- Hank Kingsley: [reading Phil's work] "I'm sure everyone here loves the old game 'Hot Potato' but I bet you're going to like it even more when I tell you that I just pulled this potato right out of my big fat ass. Here, catch!" Then the audience in unison shouts: "Hey now, Hank, go fuck yourself!" I mean, the audience isn't in supposed to have lines.
- Larry Sanders: I-I happen to really like you, you know. I'm not a happy man. I know that I hide it pretty well but the truth is I can always look forward to you... kind of making me smile and...
- Paula: Me?
- Larry Sanders: Yeah. Yeah. And I've always felt we understood each other.
- Paula: You and me?
- Larry Sanders: And I wouldn't say this to someone, you know, that I was working with but I really like you, Paula.
- Larry Sanders: Hey, Phil. Good job on the monologue last night. Excellent. Thank you.
- [notices Phil staring at him]
- Larry Sanders: What's wrong?
- Phil: You never thanked me before.
- Larry Sanders: Well, the jokes were never that good before.
- Phil: Well, thanks.
- Larry Sanders: Whatever you're doing, keep doing it.
- [last lines]
- Larry Sanders: [enters his office and finds Phil and his girlfriend kissing on the couch] We have no monologue.
- Larry Sanders: Phil seems happy.
- Arthur: Real happy.
- Larry Sanders: Real fucking happy.
- Arthur: Too fucking happy to write a joke.
- Larry Sanders: The monologue was weak, Phil.
- Phil: It was a shit crowd.
- Arthur: A shit crowd for a week and a half.
- Larry Sanders: How long you're seeing that young lady?
- Phil: [embarassed] A week and a half.
- Larry Sanders: Well, the monologue was weak.
- Phil: It's a shit crowd!
- Larry Sanders: You've been hypnotized recently?
- Phil: [laughs] Why?
- Larry Sanders: Because I don't think this is getting through you. How many ways can I put it? The monologue was weak, shit, it was not funny. It was early Conan.
- Arthur: I want you to start working on tomorrow night's monologue right now.
- Phil: Okay but if I start now it's gonna be stale by tomorrow afternoon.
- Larry Sanders: Have you joined a cult?
- Phil: [laughs] What?
- Arthur: The pussy cult. Whenever I'm getting pussy, I'm not funny.
- Larry Sanders: Well, you're never funny.
- [Artie smiles]
- Phil: Okay, I will start writing the monologue just as soon as I see Jessica's band playing in Viper Room.
- Larry Sanders: Oh the Viper Room. That will put you in the mood to write comedy.
- Larry Sanders: What's up with Phil?
- Arthur: The gal dumped him and as we know, pain equals funny.
- Larry Sanders: Well, I hope our whole staff gets dumped, maybe we'll win an Emmy now and then.