- Phil: Anything else I need to know?
- Arthur: Network meeting tomorrow at 3. You might wanna bring your razor out of hiding, shave, bathe, shampoo, clean shirt and see if you can wear something that touch more conservative.
- Phil: Any suggestions?
- Arthur: Just stay away from usual attire, that's all. Hell, you look like you're a member of Peanuts gang, Linus with goatee.
- Arthur: A little late with Larry's melon, Beverly?
- Beverly Barnes: Oh I had to go and get a new one first, Arthur. I mean, I had it all cut up in little chunks the way he likes it then he came in today and said he wanted bald.
- Phil: I'd do it except I'm already dating someone. Sorry.
- Beverly Barnes: Thank you Phil.
- Phil: I want the job Arthur.
- Arthur: If you're talking about balling Larry's melon, forget it Phil. I didn't laugh the first time.
- Phil: I want to be a headwriter.
- Arthur: You're working on a gag here, right?
- Phil: No, I want the job and I think I deserve it.
- Arthur: You're serious?
- Phil: Yes.
- Arthur: Haha.
- Phil: C'mon Arthur. I know the show, I know what Larry likes, I know his rhythms.
- Arthur: I don't think it would work out, Phil.
- Phil: Why not?
- Paula: [suddenly appears] I got him! I got Steve Martin for thursday finally.
- Arthur: Hey sweetie! Another knock show on your bucking belt. How did you manage that?
- Paula: Well, I charmed his ass and told him "Roxanne" was my favorite movie, inquired about his play...
- Phil: And you promised to blow him.
- Paula: Oh Phil, you know all my little tricks don't you?
- Arthur: Thanks, Paula. Thanks, Phil.
- Phil: Why wouldn't work?
- Arthur: Well, let's just say that I don't think you have the temperament for it.
- Phil: Now what does that mean?
- Arthur: Well it means, Phil, that you're a snide little prick. Not that we don't love that about you but what we're looking for in a headwriter is more experience, someone's more of a people person.
- Phil: I'm a people person!
- Arthur: That's true, in the last two minutes alone you offered to fuck Larry's melon and you accused Paula of promising to orally service a distinguished guest. Let's face it son, you're a born diplomat.
- Phil: Any word from Steve?
- Paula: Yeah, he got the fax but he's got some problems. He thinks you're making fun of mute people.
- Phil: It is a take off on "The Piano", it does not work without a mute.
- Paula: No duh... He also doesn't want to wear long cloth on camera.
- Phil: Gimme a break. This guy makes a career putting an arrow through his head and he won't wear a long cloth?
- Paula: Ooh, that's the breaks, junior.
- Phil: Thanks for your help, bitch.
- Paula: Ooh, that'd be so much hotter if you were wearing your tie.
- Paula: As I predicted Phil, he was not gonna like it and instead of saying it, he backed out of the show entirely. So guess what, we don't have Steve Martin. Thanks a lot, guy in the charge.
- Phil: Hey listen, I wrote a great fucking sketch because you told me we had a piece of talent booked on the show. Now I come to find out that you don't know what you're talking about... do your job Paula!
- Paula: Do my job? You do it, asswipe. You get on the phone and find a last minute replacement for Steve Martin, someone willing to do a half sketch about "The Piano", which by the way is six months too late. Nice topical meter, deepshit.
- Phil: Go fuck yourself!
- [Paula throws her coffee on him]