- [a priest is at the door, but Dorothy thinks he's answering her ad in the personals]
- Dorothy Zbornak: I don't believe this! I'm gonna call the COPS if you don't get out of here *right now*, you SICK PERVERT!
- Sophia Petrillo: Hi, Father Rossi. Here's the canned goods for the needy.
- Dorothy Zbornak: [to Father Rossi] Oh, my God. I am so very sorry. I promise I'll say "Hail Mary's" until Madonna gets a hit movie.
- Carl: I'm here about your ad in the paper. "Willing to do anything; $8 an hour; No job too big or small."
- Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, yes. Of course. I didn't expect people to come here. I thought I'd be going to them.
- Carl: That's the way it'll work in the future. Once my video camera is back from the shop.
- Dorothy Zbornak: So what is it you need done, Mister...
- Carl: Toto.
- Dorothy Zbornak: Mr. Toto
- Carl: Oh, no. No mister. Just Toto. You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.
- Rose Nylund: Dorothy, you owe me an apology. Your ad's right here.
- Dorothy Zbornak: [mortified] Oh, Rose, this is the Personals column.
- Rose Nylund: So what?
- Dorothy Zbornak: So what? You put an ad in the Personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour? It's right under an ad that reads, 'History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson.'
- Carl: Is that one signed "Doug"?
- Dorothy Zbornak: Yes, it is.
- Carl: I know Doug. He's a sick, sick man.
- Dorothy Zbornak: [as she is hustling Toto out the door] I'm very sorry for this mix-up. Good-bye!
- Carl: [Just as Dorothy is saying goodbye with apologies to a priest she mistakenly thought was responding to her ad, Carl comes barging through the front door and approaches Rose] Hi, here's my eight dollars. Let's get started, Dorothy.
- Rose Nylund: Oh, I'm not Dorothy, she is.
- Carl: [takes a good look at Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.
- Dorothy Zbornak: [outraged] How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?
- Carl: [ecstatic] Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars.
- Blanche Devereaux: [Dorothy throws Carl out, just as Blanche is coming home] Girls. Girls, there is a bus-load of Greek sailors out front. They all want to know how many drachmas there are in eight dollars!
- Dorothy Zbornak: Rose, I have read every want-ad in the paper. Mine is not here. Are you sure you dropped it off at the newspaper office?
- Rose Nylund: Dorothy, you told me exactly what you wanted me to do a dozen times. Any idiot could have done it.
- Dorothy Zbornak: I know, honey, but you were the only one going downtown.