- Lou Mackie: Listen, kid, we all screw up. I mean your heart was shooting for a strike, but your head was thinking gutter, boy, you know what I mean? Look, you tell Tina what you have on your mind, have a good laugh, have a good cry... that kid loves you, she'll understand.
- Timmy: I just want a little favor. Please, Santa, it's not for me.
- Mr. Shorofsky: What did you call me?
- Timmy: I know there are plenty of kids that need a lot more than we do, but it can pretty lonely in here, and Matthew and the other guys don't get to go home.
- Mr. Shorofsky: [desses as Santa Claus] Well, what do you think?
- Timmy: You didn't really need the phony beard, Santa.
- Mr. Shorofsky: That's how everyone is used to seeing me.
- Ian Ware: Country and western? I dunno...
- Jesse V. Valesquez: Look, it's very simple, man. You walk bow-legged, you talk with a twang, come on, Slim!
- Tina: [to her uncle Leroy] Well, if passing this test is so important, why don't you talk to Santa Claus, ask him for an A?
- Reggie Higgins: [Shorofsky is in hospital, in the children's ward] Why do they have you in here?
- Mr. Shorofsky: Some hotshot producer stole my room.
- Jesse V. Valesquez: Eh, did you say producer? Did you happen to get his name?
- [Shorofsky picks up a teddy bear and throws it at Jesse]