- Bright Abbott: [to Ephram] Well, howdy, loser.
- Ephram Brown: You guys choreograph the bathroom-stall exit and I'm the loser?
- Bright Abbott: I see you're still getting cozy with my little sis. I told you once, she's spoken for.
- Ephram Brown: Spoken for? Hey, Bright, the '50s called. They want their lingo back.
- Bright Abbott: As soon as Colin finds out about you, he's gonna kick your sorry ass.
- Ephram Brown: I figure I might have a slight advantage over him seeing as I'm conscious.
- Bright Abbott: Watch what you say, little man. Another comment, Colin won't be the only one in a coma.
- Ephram Brown: Statistically, I'm not little, but according to every chart, I've seen you're still a moron.
- Bright Abbott: Oh, you may think I'm a moron. You may be right. When it comes to my sister Amy, I'm a genius and she's playing you, dude. Soon as she gets your daddy fixing up Colin, she's not even going to look at you. Just remember I said that.
- Miss Violet: And that children, is how Ronald Reagan saved the world from the evil empire.
- [Delia raises her hand]
- Miss Violet: Yes, Delia. What is it now?
- Delia Brown: I can't see the board as well from here. Can I move up front?
- Miss Violet: Is there something wrong with your eyes?
- Delia Brown: No.
- Miss Violet: Then why do you need to sit up front?
- Delia Brown: To hear you better.
- Miss Violet: Oh, you have a hearing difficulty?
- Delia Brown: No.
- Miss Violet: I'm sorry, Delia. I don't understand.
- Delia Brown: I just like to sit close.
- Miss Violet: In this class, the boys sit in the front rows and the girls sit in the other rows.
- Delia Brown: You mean the back rows.
- Miss Violet: Yes.
- [to the class]
- Miss Violet: Now if everyone will turn in their reading books to page 86...
- Delia Brown: Do we ever switch?
- Miss Violet: Excuse me?
- Delia Brown: Do the boys and girls ever switch?
- Miss Violet: No.
- Delia Brown: Then I'd like to sit up front, please.
- Miss Violet: I see. Well to do that, you'd have to be a boy. You're not suggesting that you really are a boy, Delia. Are you? I didn't think so.
- Dr. Andrew ''Andy'' Brown: [to Andy] Your daughter has a mind of her own, Dr. Brown. She repeatedly interrupts my lessons with questions that make very little sense. This in addition to her inappropriate apparel...
- Dr. Andrew ''Andy'' Brown: I've never been to a parent-teacher thingy. Am I allowed to speak?
- Delia Brown: You have to raise your hand.
- Dr. Andrew ''Andy'' Brown: [to Miss Violet about Delia] My daughter has been through a traumatic year and come through it remarkably well. I'd like to take more credit for that, but I can't. She's the product of a mother who taught her about strength, courage and independence from an early age. My job is to make sure she doesn't forget those lessons. She will sit wherever you tell her to sit, but as long as she's polite about it, she can ask all the questions she wants. And I'd get used to those baseball caps. As for you and me, you can keep calling me in here, but next time my daughter better have done something wrong or you'll have one rowdy father.
- Narrator: The family doctor. An icon of the American experience. For generations, they've mended our wounds and warmed our hearts. In my lifetime, Andy Brown was just about the best example I ever knew of one. Doctor-wise, that is. As for the family half of the job title, he was a bit rough around the edges.
- Dr. Andrew ''Andy'' Brown: Well, I can't let my first house call family feel bad, Ephram. That wouldn't be so country-doctorly-like now, would it?
- Ephram Brown: Who's up for going to the thaw fest tomorrow?
- Dr. Andrew ''Andy'' Brown: Come on, Ephram. It will be fun. There's gonna be hayrides and a ferris wheel.
- Ephram Brown: In what universe do hayrides and ferris wheels translate into fun?
- Delia Brown: [to Ephram] Is she your girlfriend?
- Ephram Brown: No.
- Delia Brown: But you want her to be.
- Ephram Brown: You're about this close to knowing pain you've never known before.
- Dr. Andrew ''Andy'' Brown: Look, Ephram, I am sorry I couldn't take care of Delia tonight, but I was treating a 7-year-old boy who could hardly breathe.
- Ephram Brown: You win! Seven-year-old boys who can't breathe trump girls with nightmares.
- Dr. Andrew ''Andy'' Brown: Yes, in my profession, they do.
- Ephram Brown: The medical one or the crappy-father one?
- Ephram Brown: [to Andy] "The great Dr. Brown." That's what Mom and I used to call you. You always thought it was endearing, but it wasn't. It was our own private joke. "Will the great Dr. Brown be at dinner?" "Will the great Dr. Brown join us this weekend?" Don't you see? You're still that guy. You'll always be that guy. Whether it's the Dudleys on Forest Lane or some rich lady on Park Avenue, they'll always come first. Only difference is this time, Mom's not here to cover for you.