Stephen Colbert: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Host : Hey, Hugo, if you think you're going to win the hearts and minds of Northeasterners away from our president, jokes on you, Chubby. He never had 'em.

  "The Word" side-screen : Cuz We Could Send a Tanker For It. Whatever Works For You

  Host : But, listen, that doesn't mean Americans are willing to give you their hearts and minds.

  "The Word" side-screen : We'll Trade Them For Oil

  Host : Now your ambassador said you are doing this because "we are all Americans." No we're not. We are Americans

  "The Word" side-screen : USA! USA! USA!

  Host : You are Venezuelans. Or at best you are South Americans or Central Americans, or whatever the hell Venezuela is.

  "The Word" side-screen : Real Americans fail Geography

  Host : The point is, we don't need your help, especially those of us who do need your help.

  "The Word" side-screen : The Proud Helpless

  Host : If anyone is going to give... If ANYONE is going to give poor Americans affordable heating oil it'll be US oil companies

  "The Word" side-screen : Which They Probably Won't

  Host : Which they won't!

  "The Word" side-screen : I Knew It!

  Host : Because, one simple reason, we respect them too much

  "The Word" side-screen : Thank You?

  Host : And Poor People, you're not off the hook either, stop being poor. By being destitute you make us look bad. Chavez recently said "there are people who died from cold in the winter in the US. Who Blabbed? Loose lips sink ships

  "The Word" side-screen : Like Exxon Valdez?

  Host : It is our patriotic duty to refuse this Socialist Oil.

  "The Word" side-screen : Freeze for Freedom

  Host : After Hurricane Katrina, Japan, Germany and Afghanistan offered us aid, but our president turned it all down.

  "The Word" side-screen : He WHAT?!

  Host : Because with all the troubles we have in this country

  "The Word" side-screen : Terrorism Unemployment Outsourcing Gun Violence No Health Care Starving Children

  Host : There is one thing Americans desperately need:

  [Help!] 

  Host : Pride. And that's the word