- Carla Tortelli: What are you writing, Slack?
- Diane Chambers: Um, my thoughts.
- Carla Tortelli: That explains all the empty pages.
- Sam Malone: Hi. What'll you have?
- Kevin: Ah, I'll have a carafe of your house whiskey.
- Sam Malone: Excuse me?
- Kevin: Ah, is that a bad order?
- Sam Malone: Well, not if you're a party of twenty.
- Sam Malone: You're telling me that I'm too dumb to be in that book.
- Diane Chambers: Sam, there are a lot of people in this book just as dumb as you are.
- Sam Malone: Oh, sir, save your quarter. That piano hasn't worked in twenty years.
- Carla Tortelli: Use the jukebox. It doesn't work, either, but it's only a dime.
- Norm Peterson: Sammy, why do you keep something around that doesn't work?
- Carla Tortelli: [next to Diane] Because no one else will give her a job.
- Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You know, I once thought of being a priest.
- Kevin: Oh, you're religious?
- Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No, I thought it would a nice, kind of peaceful life, you know?
- Kevin: [scoffs] Allow me to dispel your misconceptions.
- Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [kneeling] Oh, thank you, father.
- [Kevin, a novice drinker, is drunk. Sam, in an effort to sober him up, has been serving him coffee]
- Kevin: Sam, I want a drink that only men drink. Something that makes women sick.
- Sam Malone: I'll give you some more coffee.
- Kevin: No, no, I want something stronger than coffee.
- Sam Malone: I'll give you yesterday's coffee.
- Sam Malone: When I played baseball, I mean I used to get quoted all the time. I mean, reporters used to hang around my locker just waiting for me to say something intelligent.
- Diane Chambers: I know the feeling.
- Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You want a beer, Norm?
- Norm Peterson: Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?
- Carla Tortelli: There's a lady present, Norm.
- Norm Peterson: [to Diane] Oh, sorry, Diane.