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Quotes
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[about to surrender to the burglars]
Richie : No no, they might beat us up.
Eddie : What and cut our bodies into a thousand different pieces?
Richie : And skin us alive.
Eddie : And then... put on our skins.
Richie : And do foul depraved love-making to our still twitching corpses.
Eddie : And eat our livers.
Richie : And drink our blood! And play cricket with our hearts!
Eddie : Yeah... using our love truncheons as wickets!
Richie : And then do weird sort of pagan dancing flapping our skins about the room, and smearing naked girlies' breasts with our throbbing disintegrating brains!
Eddie : [pause] It's not much of an option really, is it?
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Eddie : [Interrogating the burglar] So... you see Emmerdale Farm last night?
Richie : Eddie, Eddie, a word.
Eddie : Excuse me.
[Goes over to Richie]
Richie : It's the wrong line of questioning.
Eddie : What, you think he's more of a Brookside kind of man?
Richie : No! God, you're an embarrassment! You're a real embarrassment! Here I'm trying make us look really hard and cool. And you're making us look like a couple ridiculous, git-faced, scaredy-cat turnips!
Eddie : But that's what we are!
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Richie : [Eddie has come late and very drunk] What time do you call this?
Eddie : [Checks his watch wrapped round his shin] Er... half past one.
Richie : Where have you been?
Eddie : I've been to a car-swapping party.
Richie : A car swapping party?
Eddie : Yeah, it's great. All the men stand in a circle and throw their wives in the middle. Then you pick the one you want and she escorts you to your car.
Richie : But Eddie, you're not married.
Eddie : I know that's why I come home on the bus.It's parked outside.
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Richie : [the boys want to take off with the burglar's loot, but realize he's still held in the flat] We'll have to get rid of him somehow.
Eddie : Well, no-one knows he's here. We could kill him.
Richie : [Shocked reactions from Richie and burglar] Excuse us a moment, Eddie , a word?
[Takes Eddie into the kitchen and draws the curtain]
Richie : What did you just say?
Eddie : Well, he's outside the law isn't he? I mean, he made the decision.
Richie : Eddie, are you seriously suggesting we kill this poor, defenseless burglar without any trial or anything, just we can live the high life in the Bahamas?
Eddie : Yep.
Richie : It's a bloody good idea! How should we do it? I mean, how will you do it?
Eddie : Well, I think we should give him the old fish fingers. They've been in there for months, they're absolutely lethal.
Richie : No, no good, we had them last Thursday.
Eddie : Did we? I wondered why I lost three stone last week.
Richie : Oh, that was you was it, I've been trying to flush that thing for three days!
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Richie : [the boys wake up tied to chairs, in their underwear] Eddie, what's happening? Where have all my clothes gone? This is outrageous! You can see my underpants!
[Noticing mousetraps at their groins]
Richie : Where have these mousetraps come from? Eddie, stay still, don't move a muscle!
Eddie : Hang on, there's a little note sellotaped to my knee.
Richie : What does it say?
Eddie : Errr... Sue Carpenter.
[They growl lecherously]
Richie : [Realizing] Oh no!
[the traps shut on them]
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Richie : Eddie, how did you get this drunk on £1.75?
Eddie : There's a sale on at the chemists.
Richie : What do you mean?
Eddie : Old Spice. 25p a bottle.
[He preps a punch for Richie, swipes in the wrong direction and collapses]
Eddie : Where'd the floor go?
Richie : Oh lordy, lordy, every single night. Still, I shouldn't complain, he's only ever been drunk once. Trouble is it's lasted seventeen years, so far.
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Richie : I think there's someone in the drawing room.
Eddie : The what room?
Richie : The drawing room!
Eddie : I don't think I've been in there. What, you mean we've got a room just for drawing in?
Richie : God, you're so common, aren't you? What do you call it, the snug or the saloon or something?
Eddie : Oh, the lounge!
Richie : Yes, that's it, the lounge! There's someone down in the lounge!
Eddie : Right, that's that sorted out then. I'm off back to bed.
Richie : [Stopping Eddie] No, Eddie, no!
[More noises from downstairs]
Richie : Oh my god! What are we gonna do?
Eddie : What about?
Richie : The burglars!
Eddie : You mean we've got burglars, downstairs, in the sketching room?
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Richie : [Interrogating the burglar] Alright. Alright, buster, I want some answers and I want 'em damn quick. But obviously not so fast so that I can't understand what you're saying, okay?
Eddie : Richie.
[Richie goes over to Eddie]
Eddie : Shall I make him sweat, chief?
Richie : How do you mean?
Eddie : You know, stick an overcoat on him, bung a hot water bottle down his trousers.
Richie : No, Eddie, that's not the way, we gotta break him psychologically. Watch this.
[He goes over to the burglar and doesn't know what to say, he returns to Eddie's side]
Richie : Damn, damn! What do you actually have to say?
Eddie : Oh no, you don't say anything, you just slap 'em about a bit.
Richie : Oh good, right, hey, did you train for this sort of work?
Eddie : No, but my uncle used to work in a prison.
Richie : Oh, what did he do?
Eddie : Oh, peeled potatoes, sowed mailbags, anything they told him to really.
Richie : Right, good, slap him about a bit. Hey, do I look good? Cause I feel great!
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Eddie : [Jones clears his throat near Eddie] Good evening, Officer.
P.C.V. Jones : Are you alright, sir? You seem to have a pencil up your nose.
Eddie : Oh yes, I've been sleep doodling. I'm very bad at it.
P.C.V. Jones : You realize this paper's upside down, sir?
Eddie : So are my eyes.
[Moves eyeballs]
P.C.V. Jones : Hmmm.
[Looks out of conservatory window, where the second burglar leans back out of sight. Jones goes back in]
P.C.V. Jones : Did you buy this conservatory in Beirut, sir?
Richie : Oh great heavens, Eddie! We've been sleep glazing again!
Eddie : Oh bugger!
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Eddie : God, it's always the same with you, isn't it? We come up against a problem and what do you do, you find a simple, sensible solution and everything's okey-dokey. I get one little chance in my whole lifetime to look a bit sexy! To look a bit like Clint Eastwood! By the way, I don't want to be called Eddie anymore, I wanna be called, Dirty Eddie. So out of the way, punk, while a shoot off the lock!
Richie : Look, Eddie, do you want to be skinned alive and buggered?
Eddie : [Draws his gun at him] I'd like to see you try!
Richie : I'm not talking about me, I'm talking about the burglars. You fire that gun, they'll hear you. Come on, we'll just take the key and unlock the door.
[Steps on nothing]
Richie : Where's the ladder gone?
Eddie : The police confiscated it remember? When the nurses moved in next door.
