Bewitched (TV Series)

Take Two Aspirins and Half a Pint of Porpoise Milk (1965)

Elizabeth Montgomery: Samantha Stephens

Photos 

Quotes 

• Gladys Kravitz : What's the door doing here?

  Darrin Stephens : It leads to another room.

  Gladys Kravitz : Over the front lawn?

  Darrin Stephens : Cantilevered.

  Samantha Stephens : We're adding a nursery.

  [Mrs. Kravitz opens the door and there is nothing there] 

  Gladys Kravitz : The room hasn't been built yet.

  Gladys Kravitz : You mean, you put a door in the wall first?

  Samantha Stephens : How else would we get into the room to build it?

• Darrin Stephens : Do you have any idea what's the matter?

  Aunt Clara : I think her magic has gone to the pot, and she's developed square green spots.

  Samantha Stephens : Aunt Clara, we thought maybe you'd know what disease I have.

  Aunt Clara : Well, judging from the symptoms, I should think it's... er... a square green spot disease.

  Darrin Stephens : Is that serious?

  Aunt Clara : No, I don't think so. It's inconvenient, and it lasts a whole year.

  Darrin Stephens : A year?

  Aunt Clara : Yes. Usually only witches in Peru get it.

  Samantha Stephens : Aunt Clara, we were looking at a Peruvian rose earlier. Could that have had anything to do with it?

  Aunt Clara : Was it a black rose?

  [Darrin nods] 

  Aunt Clara : Oh... Oh, dear. That explains... Explains everything. You know, a Peruvian black rose was a part of the formula that they used to drive the witches out of Peru.

  Samantha Stephens : I didn't know they had witches in Peru.

  Aunt Clara : Well, they haven't. It worked.

  Darrin Stephens : Aunt Clara, you said the disease isn't usually serious, but Sam's pregnant.

  Aunt Clara : Oh, really? Well, I've never known it to have that effect before. Never. I...

  Samantha Stephens : Aunt Clara, Darrin wants to know if my having the disease while pregnant is serious.

  Aunt Clara : Well, there's only one way to find that out: Ask a Peruvian witch who was pregnant when she got the square green spot disease. Offhand, I think the chances of finding her is uh... is not too good.

  Darrin Stephens : Isn't there anything we can do?

  Aunt Clara : Well, now, if I only had the right ingredients, I could whip up a brew that could get rid of it like that, you know.

  Samantha Stephens : You could?

  Aunt Clara : Why, of course. Darrin, now would you mind running out and picking up some items I need?

  Darrin Stephens : Of course not, Aunt Clara. There's a drug store right here in the neighbourhood, stays open all night.

  Samantha Stephens : Exactly what do you need Aunt Clara?

  Aunt Clara : Well, now, let me see.

  [to Darrin] 

  Aunt Clara : I think you'd better make a list. Well, now, let me see. Two bat wings. A half a pint of porpoise milk. And be sure it's fresh. Be sure it's fresh. Four eye of newt. And an ostrich feather. One. Yes, that's it. You got that, Darrin?

  Aunt Clara : Well, I'll give you the address of a little place that I shop.

• Darrin Stephens : [about the green square spots on Samantha's face]  They seem to be getting bigger.

  Aunt Clara : Never mind. When I get my potion, she'll be as right as rain.

  Samantha Stephens : But aren't you still missing one ostrich feather?

  Aunt Clara : Oh, yes, yes. Well, I'll try and conjure one up

  [prepares spell-casting] 

  Aunt Clara : . Now, cross your fingers.

  [Samantha and Darrin do so] 

  Darrin Stephens : Is that part of the spell?

  Aunt Clara : No, but I need all the luck I can get. Now, one ostrich feather. Prankis, stokas, nixby, rashby.

  [a full grown live ostrich appears] 

  Aunt Clara : I didn't realize they were that big, you know.

• [first lines] 

  Mr. Norton : And over here, Sweet Osmanthus, African violets, gloxinias.

  Samantha Stephens : Well, they're perfectly beautiful.

  Mr. Norton : Thank you.

• [last lines] 

  Darrin Stephens : Oh, well, Mr. Norton, I want you to know that I'll understand if you request another account executive.

  Mr. Norton : [decides to let Darrin go]  Darrin, all I know is, a man whose wife can raise black Peruvian roses, can't be all bad.

  Darrin Stephens : She's something pretty special.

  Mr. Norton : Special? Mrs. Stephens, you must be the greatest horitculturist in the country, or some sort of a, a magician.

  Samantha Stephens : Oh, not at all, Mr. Norton. I simply have a green...

  Darrin Stephens : ...Nose. Uh, thumb.

  Samantha Stephens : Yes, thumb.