Are You Being Served? (TV Series)
His and Her's (1973)
Arthur Brough: Mr. Grainger
Photos
Quotes
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Mr. Ernest Grainger : [Mr. Rumbold has just informed the staff that Mr. Grainger's central trouser display was removed to make way for a new perfume display]
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Do you mean we're going to sell scent?
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Yes, you could put it like that.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Well, if it's scent, why don't you clear some counter space in the ladies' department?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Precisely. Mrs. Slocombe is already displaying far too much underwear.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Are you suggesting, Mr. Grainger, that I should remove my underwear and put perfume there instead?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Are you suggesting that I should remove my trousers and put perfume there instead?
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Mr. Ernest Grainger : I shall take no part in it!
Mr. Lucas : Ha, ha! Mutiny on the counter!
Captain Peacock : Now, come, come, Mr. Grainger, that's not like you.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Well, even in the French Revolution, the victims weren't expected to chop off their own heads.
Captain Peacock : I'm sure it won't come to that, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Nevertheless, my staff will not cooperate in the outfitting of that stand.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : I'm behind you, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas : And I'm behind, Mr. Humphries. Yes, unless Captain Peacock says I mustn't be behind Mr. Humphries. In which case, I'm behind Mr. Rumbold.
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Mr. Lucas : That must be the salesgirl from His and Her's. She's a bit of a turn-on, isn't she?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : That's all you think about.
[points to his head]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : It's all up here, you know.
Mr. Lucas : Not one hundred percent, it's not.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Who is that young lady engaging Captain Peacock in conversation?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : It's the girl from His and Her's.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Oh. Oh, then I think we'd better ignore her.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Mr. Lucas is trying, but he's not doing very well at the moment.
Mr. Lucas : Just my luck isn't it, for a bird like that to sail into my life on a Thursday? Look at that! One lousy quid. Where can you take a bird like that on one quid?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : You can buy her six penneth of worms, and take her for a walk along the canal bank with your bent pin.
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Miss French : Have you a changing room I could use?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : A changing room?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Are you having any difficulties, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Not yet, Mr. Grainger. This young lady wanted to use one of our changing rooms.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : May I enquire for what purpose?
Miss French : Would you believe to change?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : I don't like the tone of your voice. And our changing rooms are not for the use of the female staff.
Miss French : Oh, all right, then. Have it your own way.
[takes off her coat and skirt, briefly revealing pantyhose and lingerie, and puts on a very short jumper]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : [as Mr. Grainger looks shocked and offended and Mr. Lucas as his eyes wide open and glued to Miss French's legs] A glass of water for Mr. Grainger. And a tranquilizer for Mr. Lucas!
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Mr. Ernest Grainger : I think you'll find that will fall into your shape, Sir. And don't worry about the sleeves. They'll ride up with wear.
Mr. Lucas : And don't worry about the color being too bright. It will wash out in the rain.
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Mr. Ernest Grainger : Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Well, I was just having a chat to Mr. Lucas, Mr Grainger. But I am free, aren't I, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas : Oh, yes, you're free, Mr. Humphries.
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Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Lucas : Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Mr. Grainger was just observing the young lady on the centre stand and was wondering what's on the cards.
Mr. Lucas : Well, at his time of life, very little, I should think.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : The print, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas : Ah, yes.
[reads]
Mr. Lucas : "With every bottle of His perfume you purchase, you get a free tie".
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Mr. Ernest Grainger : For once, I entirely agree with you, Mrs. Slocombe.
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Mrs. Betty Slocombe : You've got to put something under them to get them going.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : I've found that myself, lately.
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Mr. Ernest Grainger : "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".
Mr. Lucas : I beg your pardon, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Mr. Grainger's quoting from "Henry II", when he wanted to bump off Beckett.
Miss Shirley Brahms : Oh, not my nice Mr. Beckett from Hardware?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe : No, no, no. Mr. Grainger played Beckett in Grace Brothers' production of "Murder In The Cathedral".
Mr. Lucas : I'm sorry I missed that.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Mr. Grainger was very good, in spite of his gammy leg.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : He fell of the cathedral steps, and Mr. Rumbold and the lads had to murder him in the front row of the stalls.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : It was a very good round of applause.
Miss Shirley Brahms : [about Miss French] Are you suggesting then that we should stab her in the staff canteen?
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Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Please, please, please! Let's marshal all our facts, and find out precisely why this young lady left. Now, first of all, whose finger was it on the button that ruined the tape?
Captain Peacock : Well, it was my finger, but it...
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : No, no, no, no. Just the facts. Now, how did the other voice come into it?
Mr. Lucas : Well, I was talking through my hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Could you be more explicit?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Well, there was a microphone in his hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : I see. Why?
Mr. Lucas : Ah, well... You see, Mr. Grainger said, "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Did you say that, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Well, actually, Henry the Second said it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Perhaps I can explain. It wasn't Mr. Grainger who said it in the play, it was Becket. You remember, Mr. Rumbold, he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : That's why he got such a good round of applause.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Now, I may be dense... but has the play got to do with this girl leaving?
Mr. Lucas : Ah, well, you see, Mr. Grainger drew our attention to the fact that Henry the Second wanted to get rid of Becket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Becket?
Miss Shirley Brahms : Not Beckett from Hardware, no.