- Stanley Smith: Francine, your roots are showing!
- Francine Smith: I know. My hairdresser lost his touch when he decided he was straight. Apparently, it is a choice.
- Stanley Smith: [his wife's roots are showing] Francine, looking at your hair, I doubt I could eat the amount I want to vomit.
- Francine Smith: The only good hairdresser in town is Mr Beauregard, and it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody.
- Klaus: But Francine, you do know somebody. You know Roger. Oh, wait, he's just a nobody.
- Roger the Alien: [gasps] Don't... cry... in front of the fish!
- Francine Smith: [to Steve] You bastard! That's what I said to my old ugly hairdo. What's wrong, honey?
- Steve Smith: Aw, I hate being a famous author. Do I really have to go on Cap'n Monty's?
- Francine Smith: Oh. Well, no. I suppose not.
- Steve Smith: Thanks, Mom.
- Francine Smith: Oh, Steve, just curious. When did you stop loving Mommy?
- Steve Smith: What?
- Francine Smith: 'Cause if you loved me, you wouldn't want me to have ugly hair, but do whatever makes you happy. I have to go put some ointment on that hideous cesarean scar I have because of you.
- Steve Smith: But Hayley was the cesarean.
- Francine Smith: Oh, that's right. With you, I just tore from my "V" to my "A." Good night.
- Francine Smith: Anything for me?
- Stanley Smith: Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.
- Roger the Alien: [Sees a Planet of the Apes ornament] This bust of Ben Stiller is hideous. But it's mine!
- Stanley Smith: [to Steve] I look around me and I see it isn't so!
- Steve Smith: What?
- Stanley Smith: I mean, why'd you cheat?
- Steve Smith: I'm sorry. It's just... creative writing is hard, I can't do it.
- Stanley Smith: Can't? We don't live in Ameri-can't, Steve we live in Ameri-ca. No, no, no, wait, we live in Ameri-can. No, wait, that's not right. We are Ameri-can. W... where was I going with this?
- Steve Smith: Um, I said creative writing is hard...
- Stanley Smith: Oh, yeah, yeah. Perseverance, Steve. It's all about perseverance and if I Ameri-can't teach you about it, I have a friend who Ameri-will. Well, that sounded good. Had a bumpy start there, but I think I pulled it together.
- Steve Smith: [narrating] So now I was a published writer, but my life had become boring. As boring as a bad metaphor or a simile. Whatever, I'm not a writer.
- Roger the Alien: Oh, my God! It's happening for me. I'm almost a star. Oh! There's my cell phone. Oh, my God! It's Johnny Depp.
- [pretending to talk on the phone]
- Roger the Alien: Deppster! What's shaking?
- Klaus: That's not a cell phone. That's a bar of soap you painted black.
- Roger the Alien: Yeah, hang on, J.D. Watch it, Klaus or I'm gonna cram this bad boy 20,000 leagues up your butt.
- Steve Smith: [Giving advice to a fan] It's real easy. Just write something and it'll get published. Any idiot can do it.
- Roger the Alien: [while reading US Weekly] Stars. They're just like us. Ooh! Here's Tara Reid buying a gallon of vodka and a case of morning-after pills. I drink gallons of vodka. I should be a star.
- Roger the Alien: Oh, my God, Stan! How upset are you? Seriously, on a scale from one to pissed? Oh, who gives a flying fig? I'm a star!
- Steve Smith: [to Roger] Wait, you were trying to kill me? So this is all your fault.
- Roger the Alien: Oh, yeah. Blame the alien. The cops will eat that up. Sorry, pal, you're going to jail where they're gonna take your cherry Jell-O away in the lunch line after you're raped in the shower.
- Roger the Alien: Au revoir, stardom.
- [pushes a cinder block which drags the Roger doll to the bottom along with Steve off the boat and into the water]
- Roger the Alien: Oh, did I tie that to Steve's ankle? Guess I'm clumsy like he wrote in the book. How do like that ending, Steve?
- Steve Smith: [narrating] The court ruled in my favor and I was finally free of my parents. Did the book make me rich and popular? Yeah. Did it all go to my head? Oh, yeah. Did I start talking like Robert Evans? You bet your ass I did. Did I even know who Robert Evans was? Not by a long shot.