Mock the Week (2005–2022)
Rory Bremner: Self
Quotes
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Team Captain : [Unlikely things for a news reporter to say; as Trevor MacDonald] Welcome to ITV News... ON ICE!
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Team Captain : [Celebrity Dating Videos; as Nelson Mandela] Ah! Hello! I'm an ex-politician and human rights activist. And I'm looking for a strong African woman. I'm over eighty, I look like a pint of Guinness, but wait till you see Nelson's Column!
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Team Captain : [If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] On average, how long does the NHS take to give pregnant women a bed in maternity?
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Hugh Dennis : [the panel are asked what to do about bird flu. Hugh is a Tory MP; Rory is the Duke of Edinburgh] Well, personally I think we ought to do away with all birds, including swans.
Team Captain : They belong to my wife, you bastard!
Hugh Dennis : Oh, yeah. I've shagged your wife, as well.
Team Captain : You lucky devil! I haven't had sex with her for nearly sixty years!
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Team Captain : [Rory is Tony Blair giving a speech; Hugh is translating] As Prime Minister, it is my duty to protect the people of this nation.
Hugh Dennis : Whoops!
Team Captain : Many nights I've lain awake, gazing into the abyss...
Hugh Dennis : I wish Cherie would sleep with her mouth closed.
Team Captain : I know that a lot of people have been wondering when I'm going to retire...
Hugh Dennis : I know Gordon has been wondering when I'm going to retire...
Team Captain : I'm sure that one day, Gordon will make a great leader...
Hugh Dennis : ...of the Opposition...
Team Captain : But I'm not a king-maker. There will be a proper procedure for deciding the leader who follows me.
Hugh Dennis : Whomsoever pulls the sword from the stone! He shall be the one!