Abominable (2006)

Jeffrey Combs: Clerk

Photos 

Quotes 

• Clerk : Another Darwin Award comin' up.

• Clerk : Okay, you smelly son of a bitch! You win! Look, I'm gonna leave now! We'll pretend this never happened, all right? Right.

  [he turns and is eaten by Bigfoot immediately] 

• Clerk : Why you don't believe in Squatch?

  Ziegler Dane : Hell no.

  Clerk : Then why the hell did you come?

  Ziegler Dane : Because I like to kill shit.

• Ziegler Dane : I guess you never heard of the Darwin Awards.

  Clerk : The what?

  Ziegler Dane : The Darwin Awards. They give 'em out to people who died doin' the stupidest shit.

  Clerk : Like what?

  Ziegler Dane : One of my favorites is this guy - this guy goes to a petting zoo with some of his friends and he decides to demonstrate the effect of this crazy glue.

  Clerk : Crazy glue?

  Ziegler Dane : Yeah, y'know, that shit. He squirts it in both his hands and he leans over to this fence and he slaps both hands onto the rear end of a rhinoceros. No, no, I'm not kiddin' ya, no shit. This thing takes off, yankin' this guy right off his feet and all he can smell is ass. And unbeknownst to him, this rhinoceros had been constipated for a couple of weeks, right, so they gave him this massive dose of this laxative.

  Clerk : [giggling]  The zookeeper.

  Ziegler Dane : [laughing]  Yeah. So this thing's chargin' around tryin' to free himself of this guy, and he's stompin', he's stompin' on pygmy goats, ducks and all this stuff and he starts shitting uncontrollably right in this guy's face. Paramedics come, they try to clear an air passage and this guy's buried under thirty gallons of diarrhea, man.

  Farmer Hoss : What a dumbass.

• Clerk : A local Indian legend tells of a wild man livin' in these woods. My grandpa saw it once, and he says it only comes out after dark, and now my question to y'all is... you sure you wanna find it? 'Cause some things are better left unfound.

  Ziegler Dane : [aside to Hoss]  This comin' from a guy who chainsmokes at his gas station hooked up to an oxygen bottle.

  Clerk : Thank you for the reminder. I believe I will.

  [lights a cigarette] 

• Clerk : You smell that? Boys, we're not alone.

  Ziegler Dane : 'Course not. We're sittin' in the middle of the woods, Sherlock. Ten bucks it's a bear.

  [Ziegler gets up and wanders off into the woods alone] 

  Farmer Hoss : Ziegler, wait!

  Clerk : Another Darwin Award, comin' up.

• Ziegler Dane : [as Clerk puts another cigarette in his mouth]  I bet your lungs look like a couple of old saddlebags.

  Clerk : Well... giddy up!

  [Lights cigarette]