Arrested Development (2003–2019)
Will Arnett: Gob Bluth
Photos
Quotes
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[repeated line]
Gob : I've made a huge mistake.
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Gob : Steve Holt's not my son.
George Michael Bluth : Steve Holt? What, the moron jock?
Gob : That's my son, you pothead.
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Gob : [talking about his new boat] The Seaward.
Michael : You're not getting a boat.
Gob : [doing rock, paper, scissors] One, two, three.
Michael : You're not gonna do it...
[does rock]
Michael : .
Gob : Paper covers rock.
Michael : Fine, but rock sinks boat.
Lucille : [entering room] Michael.
Michael : Just a minute mom.
[to GOB]
Michael : . Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille : I'll leave when I'm good and ready.
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[Michael has found his brother, Gob, hidden in his office]
Michael : One of those British guys came up to me and told me to back off. I can't believe it, but Dad may have been telling the truth. This may be dangerous.
Gob : So you came back here to hide like a child.
Michael : What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?
Gob : Hiding from a child. Big difference.
Michael : Gob, Steve Holt is your son. He probably just feels a connection.
Gob : He doesn't know what he feels. I'm tired of being told - my God. What is this feeling?
[Schmaltzy music begins to play]
Michael : You know, the feeling that you're feeling is just what many of us call... a "feeling".
Gob : It's not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael : Could it be love?
Gob : I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite - it's like my heart is getting hard.
[the music reaches its crescendo]
Gob : Maybe I am ready to be a father.
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Lindsay Funke : Oh! Because you're too afraid to ask Sally Sitwell to go with you.
Michael Bluth : That's not true. That's not true at all.
Lindsay Funke : [Begins her chicken dance] Chaw-chee-chaw-chee!
Michael Bluth : What is that? Is that a chicken?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : What's this?
Lindsay Funke : Michael is scared to ask out Sally.
Michael Bluth : No, I'm not.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : This is priceless.
[Starts chicken dancing with Lindsay]
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : Caw-ca-caw-ca-ca-caw!
Michael Bluth : Oh, come on. Those aren't even birds!
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Gob : Tell you what we're gonna do: "Rock Paper Scissors" for it.
Michael : No, no I'm not...
Gob : One, two, three. Paper covers rock.
Michael : It is a rock, though. Should beat everything.
Gob : There's not a lot of logic to it. It's kind of like on a boat with "Women and children first." I mean, why should they...
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Michael : You know, GOB, you might want to start acting like the President. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
Gob : Yeah, like the CEO has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator : In fact, GOB *had* started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob : [in the break room] The worst that could happen is that I could spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit. Come on.
[in the elevator]
Gob : Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
[in the bathroom]
Gob : Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit. Come on.
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Steve Holt : I've made a huge mistake.
Gob : I know the feeling. I had you. I'm your father, Steve Holt. I can't hide from it any more.
Steve Holt : I won't forget this... Dad.
Gob : [swallows roofie] I will. I will.
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Gob : I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and fuck me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.
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Narrator : In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
Gob : [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob : [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
Gob : [as Franklin] You are one cool
[bleep]
Gob : . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
[the puppet 'kisses' Lucille]
George Sr. : Get off my wife, you bastard.
[strangles Franklin]
Gob : [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
Gob : [in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael : Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob : He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.
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Gob : Is that George Michael's girlfriend? What is she funny or something?
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Gob : You drive a hard bargain, but I'm the President of the Bluth company, and I decline.
[turns to Sitwell]
Gob : You look surprised.
Stan Sitwell : [adjusts his eyebrows] Must've put 'em on wrong.
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Gob : [Gob's wife has served him divorce papers] And now she's stomping on my heart.
Michael Bluth : What's her first name? Quickly.
Gob : [flustered] Crindee.
Michael Bluth : Name's not Crindee, Gob.
Gob : [Reads papers] Ah, Saul Zetzmann. Nope. That's her lawyer. Well, she's GOT a name. And I'm gonna find out what it is. And I'm gonna make a pun on it. And that's what I'll call her. Bad example: if her name's Amy, I'll call her "Blame-y."
Michael Bluth : That's a strong defense.
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Gob : Michael, I'm your big brother. I'll never be impressed with you.
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Lucille Austero : Today at lunch, you were ashamed to be with me.
Gob : No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.
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Narrator : Gob was recently hired by the Bluth Company's rival, Sitwell Enterprises. And although he started off well...
Gob : 52% of the country is single. That's a market that's been dominated by apartment rentals. Let's take some of that market. I call it "Single City."
Narrator : ...his ideas failed to evolve.
Gob : It's, like, "Hey, you want to go down to the whirlpool?" "Yeah, I don't have a husband." I call it "Swing City."
Stan Sitwell : Let's get into some new areas, if you don't mind.
Narrator : But Gob continued to fine-tune his first one.
Gob : How do we filter out the teases? We don't let them in.
Gob : This goes for the guys, too. Because sometimes the guys are tapped out. But check your lease, man. Because you're living in
[bleep]
Gob : City.
Stan Sitwell : You're fired.
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Gob : [while giving a lecture on office sexual harassment policies] Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any inter-office
[bleep]
Gob : and
[bleep]
Gob : and finger
[bleep]
Gob : and
[long bleep]
Gob : or even
[bleep]
Gob : . Even though so many of us are *begging* for it. Oh, and if anyone lays a finger on my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll show you my
[bleep]
Gob : and I'll personally
[long bleep]
Gob : .
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Lucille : What's a Forget-Me-Now?
Gob : They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.
Tobias Fünke : Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie.
Lucille : Those are illegal.
Gob : Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these.
-
Gob : My gut is telling me no... but my gut is also very hungry.
-
[repeated line]
Gob : Come on!
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Tobias Fünke : Good news, everyone. I bought the Queen Mary.
Gob : Really? I was just thinking of getting a yacht.
Tobias Fünke : Well, I was dancing with the owner and he was looking to sell... Also, he really, really did look like a woman... But can you believe it? The only reason he's selling it is because, supposedly, it's in a bad neighborhood?
Lindsay Funke : You idiot. I was going to use the stock money to get us into the country club.
Michael Bluth : What?
Lindsay Funke : ...It's in such a nice neighborhood.
Michael Bluth : I don't believe this. Didn't any of you read that memo?
Narrator : None of them had read past the word "unfrozen."
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Gob : I'm a failure. I can't even fake the death of a stripper.
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Gob : I'm an ideas man Michael. I think I proved that with "Fuck Mountain".
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George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : [turning a twenty into...] Monopoly. You don't have it, do you?
George Michael : Yeah, actually.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : Well, that's good, cuz this one is missing a lot of pieces.
[drives off on his Segway]
George Michael : Uh, Uncle GOB, the twenty?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : A magician never reveals his secrets.
George Michael : I don't need the secret, I need...
[GOB is gone]
George Michael : Wow, that's so much like stealing.
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[repeated line]
Gob : Michael!
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Narrator : Gob had just blown up a car.
Gob : [with Lucille 2] Next thing I know, I'm running for my life. And all I could think was if something were to ever happen to me, how sad I'd be, you know?
Lucille Austero : What you did to me at lunch today... You were ashamed to be with me.
Gob : No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.
Lucille Austero : I'm sorry, but you have no courage.
Gob : How can you say that? Shh. Thought I heard my mom.
[whispers]
Gob : How can you say that?
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Lucille Bluth : Did that Mexican girlfriend of yours kick you out?
Gob : She's not "*that* Mexican," Mom, she's "*my* Mexican." And she's Colombian or something.
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[as cops surround the docks and start shooting at drug dealers while fake stripper cops cower nearby]
Drug Dealer : You set us up.
Gob : No. These are the strippers. Look how hot they are.
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Lucille Bluth : I'm going to Annyong's soccer awards ceremony, and...
Annyong : Annyong.
[everyone glares at Annyong]
Lucille Bluth : ...and I don't need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are.
Gob : Yeah, I think that they're gonna know that Annyong's not...
Annyong : Annyong.
Gob : [screaming] ... would somebody *please* tell this insufferable child to... GOD.
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Gob : I did the right thing, Michael. If I didn't fire them, how could I teach a lesson to the others?
Michael : There are no others. You fired everyone.
Gob : Oh, that's great. The guy who's dirty dancing with his niece is telling the guy in the $3,600 suit... how to... run the business...
[pause]
Gob : Come on.
Michael : Maybe we were better off with me being businesslike and you being the good time useless party guy.
Gob : It got us this far. And I must say I miss the laughter. Oh God, how they used to laugh with me.
Michael : AT you. We have to figure out a way to hire everybody back. A meeting.
Gob : A party.
Michael : No, we just had a party.
Gob : Yeah but I didn't get to have any fun.
-
Gob : Brother? Hermano means brother? Well, sounds like Hermano is about to get his ass kicked.
-
[Gob has gotten George Michael to break in and steal company records]
George Sr. : You got my 14-year-old grandson do this?
Gob : Under 18 walks out clean.
George Sr. : Listen, um... there's a very strict "no touching policy" here. But, um... oh, what the hell, it's worth a week in the hot box.
[Hits Gob]
Prison guard : No touching.
George Sr. : You stupid ass.
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Michael : G. O. B., you've found a woman who believes in you. You should make a commitment to her because life is short. Listen to me. I would give anything to be able to have that again, you know? A family. Nothing else matters.
Lucille : Michael?
Michael : It's Mom. Hide.
Gob : You brought up money earlier. I actually would like to borrow some.
Michael : No.
Lucille : Michael?
Gob : He's in here, Mom.
Michael : Come on.
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Wife of Gob : G. O. B. , I want out. I'm in love with your brother...
Gob : What?
[to Michael]
Gob : You did it again, you son of a bitch.
[Punches Michael]
Wife of Gob : ...In-law. Tobias. Sorry. I should have finished that thought.
-
Michael : You want to be in charge?
Gob : Yeah.
Michael : You want to deal with what I deal with? A sister who takes your money and throws it away. A mother who you can't trust. A company whose founder may be on trial for treason. Is that what you want?
Gob : What kind of vacation time does it offer?
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Buster : [about Lucille] It's like she gets off on being witholding.
Michael : Whoa. Buster.
Gob : Look who's got something to say.
Buster : [impersonating Lucille] I'm Mom and I want to shoot down everything you say so I feel good about myself.
[everyone laughs]
Gob : Look who's ragging on the old lady.
Buster : Cause I'm an uptight
[long bleep]
Buster : Buster
[Long bleep]
Buster : ... you old horny slut.
Michael : [pause] Well, no one's going to top that.
-
[Buster reveals that he made George Michael get pot from Gob for him]
Buster : It-it's for my girlfriend. She's sick.
Gob : Why don't you just wait it out? She's gonna be gone soon.
Buster : Oh, that's it.
[starts hitting Gob]
Buster : Why are YOU hitting yourself? Why are YOU hitting yourself? Why are YOU hitting yourself?
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George Sr. : Soak the puppet's mouth with ether, and have Franklin give Lucille a kiss to knock her out.
Gob : [as Franklin] I ain't kissin' that ol' bitch.
George Sr. : [starts to choke Franklin] That's my wife, you bastard.
Gob : Dad, that's my wrist.
[as George Sr. chokes Gob]
Gob : Hey, that's his neck.
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Gob : Ok, ok, ok. So should, should, should, should, should, shhhhshsh, should, should...
Michael : Well, do it your way, I'm just here to have fun.
Gob : Not too much fun, all right? I already gave my big sexual harassment speech today.
Gob : [subtitle: earlier that day...]
[Gob talking to Bluth employees about sexual harassment]
Gob : Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of inter-office
[bleep]
Gob : ing, or
[bleep]
Gob : ing, or finger
[bleep]
Gob : , or
[bleep]
Gob : sting, or
[bleep]
Gob : esting or
[bleep]
Gob : eing or even
[bleep]
Gob : . Even though so many people in this office are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll
[bleep]
Gob : , and I'll personally
[really long bleep]
Gob : .
-
Michael : Gob, I'm going to need you to sneak Mom out of rehab.
Gob : Gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at Spring Break would be Mom.
Buster : She's better than the whores you date.
Gob : Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster : Mom's still got it.
Gob : I don't date whores.
Lindsay Funke : Stop it, both of you. This objectification of women has got to stop.
Michael : It's just Mom and whores.
-
Buster : Hey, I just came to tell you that I can't do that wall.
Drill Instructor : There's no time for that. We're shipping out without you. Haven't you heard?
[hands Buster military files]
Buster : Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Gob : Those bastards.
Drill Instructor : I did not say that.
Gob : Are you going to allow that, Buster? Are you going to allow your children, and your children's children, and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives?
[advances to the wall]
Gob : Climb that wall, homo.
Drill Instructor : Go get 'em.
Narrator : [as Buster climbs the wall] Buster got the encouragement he needed, and just when it seemed there wouldn't be any surprises...
[Gob punches Buster as he jumps to the other side]
Narrator : ... it did.
Gob : Now, when you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun.
-
Gob : Well, I'm not the president, so I dont deserve a fancy phone.
Tobias Fünke : Well, the Blue Man Group may need me, and I *do* deserve a fancy phone.
Narrator : They didn't.
[Tobias flips his phone across the room]
Narrator : And he doesn't.
-
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : [walks in on George-Michael kissing his cousin, Maeby] Dad's going to be crushed.
George Michael Bluth : [nervously] You don't have to tell him!
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Lindsay Funke : [to Michael] GOB doesnt do anything for the family.
Gob : Hey, I'm fucking Lucille 2.
Lindsay Funke : Or I could do something like that.
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Gob : Hey, Buster hit her. I just gave her the roofie.
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Gob : George Michael... Lets deal some drugs.
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Gob : Yeah, the guy in the $3,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
-
Wife of Gob : I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
Wife of Gob : No. Your sister's husband.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : Michael? Michael.
Wife of Gob : No. That's your sister's brother.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : No, I'm my sister's brother.You're in love with me? Me.
Wife of Gob : I'm in love with Tobias.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : My brother-in-law?
Wife of Gob : I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : To be with your brother?
Wife of Gob : No.
