Arrested Development (2003–2019)
Jason Bateman: Michael Bluth
Photos
Quotes
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[repeated line]
Michael : [in reference to Ann] Her?
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Tobias Fünke : [as Mrs. Featherbottom] O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth?
[laughs]
Tobias Fünke : Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a *sausage* in the mouth.
Michael : We just call it a sausage.
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Rita : And they think the stupidest things are funny.
Michael Bluth : Yeah, that's a cultural problem is what it is. You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development.
Narrator : Hey. That's the name of the show.
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Mae 'Maebe' Funke : Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold T-shaped pendants?
Michael : That's a cross.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke : Across from where?
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Gob : [talking about his new boat] The Seaward.
Michael : You're not getting a boat.
Gob : [doing rock, paper, scissors] One, two, three.
Michael : You're not gonna do it...
[does rock]
Michael : .
Gob : Paper covers rock.
Michael : Fine, but rock sinks boat.
Lucille : [entering room] Michael.
Michael : Just a minute mom.
[to GOB]
Michael : . Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille : I'll leave when I'm good and ready.
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[Michael has found his brother, Gob, hidden in his office]
Michael : One of those British guys came up to me and told me to back off. I can't believe it, but Dad may have been telling the truth. This may be dangerous.
Gob : So you came back here to hide like a child.
Michael : What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?
Gob : Hiding from a child. Big difference.
Michael : Gob, Steve Holt is your son. He probably just feels a connection.
Gob : He doesn't know what he feels. I'm tired of being told - my God. What is this feeling?
[Schmaltzy music begins to play]
Michael : You know, the feeling that you're feeling is just what many of us call... a "feeling".
Gob : It's not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael : Could it be love?
Gob : I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite - it's like my heart is getting hard.
[the music reaches its crescendo]
Gob : Maybe I am ready to be a father.
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Michael Bluth : [calling from prison, taking about his brother, Gob] I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it.
Lucille : You would do that to your brother?
Michael Bluth : I said "cot".
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Michael : I'm sure Egg is a great person.
George Michael Bluth : It's... it's Ann.
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Lindsay Funke : Oh! Because you're too afraid to ask Sally Sitwell to go with you.
Michael Bluth : That's not true. That's not true at all.
Lindsay Funke : [Begins her chicken dance] Chaw-chee-chaw-chee!
Michael Bluth : What is that? Is that a chicken?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : What's this?
Lindsay Funke : Michael is scared to ask out Sally.
Michael Bluth : No, I'm not.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : This is priceless.
[Starts chicken dancing with Lindsay]
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : Caw-ca-caw-ca-ca-caw!
Michael Bluth : Oh, come on. Those aren't even birds!
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Michael : I burned it. Down to the ground.
George Sr. : There was money in that banana stand.
Michael : Well, it's all gone now.
George Sr. : There was $250,000 lining the inside walls of the banana stand.
Michael : What?
George Sr. : Cash, Michael. What the hell did you think I meant when I said...
[strangles Michael]
George Sr. : [yells] There is money... in... the banana stand.
Prison guard : [George Sr. quickly takes his hands off Michael] No Touching.
George Sr. : No touching.
Prison guard : No touching.
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Michael : What do you think of when you hear the name, "Sudden Valley"?
George Michael Bluth : Salad dressing. But for some reason, I don't want to eat it.
Michael : What about, "Paradise Gardens"?
George Michael Bluth : Yeah... I can see marinating a chicken from that.
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Michael Bluth : Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?
George Sr. : First time.
Michael Bluth : I've never heard of a second.
George Sr. : I got the worst
[bleep]
George Sr. : -ing attorneys.
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Gob : Tell you what we're gonna do: "Rock Paper Scissors" for it.
Michael : No, no I'm not...
Gob : One, two, three. Paper covers rock.
Michael : It is a rock, though. Should beat everything.
Gob : There's not a lot of logic to it. It's kind of like on a boat with "Women and children first." I mean, why should they...
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Michael : Are you serious?
Wayne Jarvis : Almost always. I was once voted the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had.
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Michael : You know, GOB, you might want to start acting like the President. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
Gob : Yeah, like the CEO has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator : In fact, GOB *had* started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob : [in the break room] The worst that could happen is that I could spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit. Come on.
[in the elevator]
Gob : Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
[in the bathroom]
Gob : Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit. Come on.
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Narrator : In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
Gob : [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob : [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
Gob : [as Franklin] You are one cool
[bleep]
Gob : . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
[the puppet 'kisses' Lucille]
George Sr. : Get off my wife, you bastard.
[strangles Franklin]
Gob : [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
Gob : [in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael : Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob : He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.
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[Tobias has painted himself blue]
Tobias Funke : I blue myself.
Michael Bluth : There has got to be a better way to say that.
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George Sr. : I think it's a mistake letting George Michael go on this church thing.
Michael : Her name is Ann, Dad, and he's not "going on" her.
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Michael : Yes, this is Michael Bluth for Barry.
Barry Zuckerkorn : [to his secretary] I'm not here.
Barry's Secretary : Barry's not in right now. Would you like to leave her a message?
Michael : Yeah, tell her she needs to whisper a little softer next time, AND I'm not paying for this phone call.
Barry Zuckerkorn : I am not a girl, you...
Barry's Secretary : [pulls out a tape recorder] Go ahead, call me something. I'm redecorating my kitchen.
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Michael : [after George Sr. has been handed a jail sentence] They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out.
[silence amongst the family]
Michael : Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen...
[everyone gasps]
Michael : ...Interesting. I would have expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail."
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Gob : [Gob's wife has served him divorce papers] And now she's stomping on my heart.
Michael Bluth : What's her first name? Quickly.
Gob : [flustered] Crindee.
Michael Bluth : Name's not Crindee, Gob.
Gob : [Reads papers] Ah, Saul Zetzmann. Nope. That's her lawyer. Well, she's GOT a name. And I'm gonna find out what it is. And I'm gonna make a pun on it. And that's what I'll call her. Bad example: if her name's Amy, I'll call her "Blame-y."
Michael Bluth : That's a strong defense.
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Maebe : So, you killed Kitty, huh?
Michael : No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer's questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide.
[whoops and hollers heard from the conference room]
Michael : And apparently, a fun one. Why don't we go see what's going on in the back, shall we?
Maebe : Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?
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Michael : My mother is opposed to the idea of hiring a new attorney. She'll probably refuse to enter the room if she sees you.
Wayne Jarvis : I shall hide behind the couch.
[and he does just that]
Michael : Guy's a pro.
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Lucille : You idiots. If your father sees me here with Wayne...
Michael : ...we'll be stuck with Barry.
Wayne Jarvis : I shall hide behind that garbage car.
[and does just that]
Michael : Guy's a pro.
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Michael : I think George Michael is hiding Ann in the attic.
Lindsay Funke : From the Nazis?
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Michael : [at Gob's magic show at the Gothic Castle] Where's Tobias?
Narrator : [voiceover] Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.
Tobias Fünke : [Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe] I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.
Cab Driver : Gothic asshole?
Tobias Fünke : Yes.
[at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out]
Tobias Fünke : Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.
[to the bouncer]
Tobias Fünke : I am here to see the magic.
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Michael : My mom is very stressed out, and she needs something I can't give her, um... maybe a little "afternoon delight".
Narrator : Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named Afternoon Deelite, a strain famous for slowing behavior.
Oscar : Well sure, my question is, which way do I try to get it in her?
Michael : I don't need any details.
Oscar : Maybe I'll put it in her brownie
Michael : Hey.
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Barry Zuckerkorn : So basically you're about 2,000 shares short of being the majority stock holders. Now unfortunately it's a private stock so you can not just buy up the shares unless someone is willing to sell
Michael : Are you sure?
Barry Zuckerkorn : That's what it said on 'Ask Jeeves'
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Lindsay Funke : Oh, are we still talking about the tapes? I was talking about my marriage. As you know, Bob Loblaw and I have had a secret little thing going.
Michael : Real secret. In fact, he doesn't even know about it.
Lindsay Funke : Last night, he finally responded to one of my subtle hints.
Lindsay Funke : [flashback] Why wont you fuck me?
Bob Loblaw : I'll be honest. You're a nice girl but you dress like a common whore. And besides, I just can't go out with a client.
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Buster : Mom is becoming a little controlling.
Michael : What tipped you off? When she locked you out on the balcony again?
Buster : That was half my fault. I thought I saw a Graham Cracker out there.
Michael : You baited the balcony?
Lucille Bluth : Prove it.
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[upon seeing GOB's banana stand "mascots"]
George Michael : Are those strippers?
Michael : If I know your uncle, they're at least strippers.
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Michael Bluth : Did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.
Lindsay Funke : [obviously under the influence] Oh, my God. My foot is bleeding.
Narrator : Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
Michael Bluth : Don't forget. We're going to need you for the softball team tomorrow.
Lindsay Funke : Of course. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?
Michael Bluth : To curb your sex drive.
Lindsay Funke : Oh, yeah. What team are you talking about?
Narrator : It may also cause short-term memory loss.
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Buster : My Army training tells me... that this is going to be a hot mission.
Michael : What? A hot mission?
Buster : Yes. I create a diversion, and you grab George Michael and go. We need a name. Maybe "Operation Hot Mother".
Michael : No, le-let's try to top that.
Narrator : They never did, and later, "Operation Hot Mother" was underway.
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Lindsay Funke : [Trying to set Michael up with Ms Barely] Well, I think she's perfect for you.
Michael : For me? Really? Thanks, but no, Lindsay. I've already been set up once today by a sibling, and I don't think you people know my type.
Lindsay Funke : Hey, look, it's not coming from me. It's George Michael. He told me. I think he wants a mother.
Michael : Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off the entire concept.
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Kitty : The program has changed my life. And I have a sponsor now.
[whispers]
Kitty : He's famous.
Michael : That's great.
Kitty : I can't tell you who he is, but let's just say... that he was on... "Night Court."
Michael : Well, you look great...
Kitty : ...I can tell you who it's NOT. It's not Bull. It's not Harry Anderson.
Michael : I got it...
Kitty : ...and he's white.
Michael : I know who it is.
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Tobias Fünke : Good news, everyone. I bought the Queen Mary.
Gob : Really? I was just thinking of getting a yacht.
Tobias Fünke : Well, I was dancing with the owner and he was looking to sell... Also, he really, really did look like a woman... But can you believe it? The only reason he's selling it is because, supposedly, it's in a bad neighborhood?
Lindsay Funke : You idiot. I was going to use the stock money to get us into the country club.
Michael Bluth : What?
Lindsay Funke : ...It's in such a nice neighborhood.
Michael Bluth : I don't believe this. Didn't any of you read that memo?
Narrator : None of them had read past the word "unfrozen."
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Michael : [talking to Lindsay as Tobias enters] Tobias doesn't do anything around here.
Tobias Fünke : Well excuuuuuuuse meeeee.
[Tobias looks down defeated looking]
Tobias Fünke : Excuse me.
[walks off crying]
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Michael : I wonder how I can talk you out of ever making that face again.
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George Sr. : [George Sr. is hiding in the attic, Michael brings him some food] Does Pop-pop get a treat?
Michael : No, Pop-pop does not get a treat, I just brought you a fucking pizza.
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Michael : Clear as the Ann on plain's face.
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Michael Bluth : We're not here to talk nonsense to Bob Loblaw.
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Lucille : I bought it using the new unfrozen stock as soon as I received the memo.
Michael Bluth : You mean, the memo that specifically told you not to sell?
Lucille : Did it say that? I stopped after "unfrozen."
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George Sr. : Listen... Let him go. Let your son go.
Michael : I can't do that, Dad. He needs me.
George Sr. : Michael, you don't want to make the same mistake your mom made with Buster.
Michael : Yeah, boy. What happened there?
George Sr. : I really don't know. Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her "miracle baby." And I-I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So... he turned out a little soft, you know, a little doughy.
[Buster yawns next to him]
George Sr. : I don't know, maybe it was my fault. Maybe, uh, maybe I just ignored the guy.
[Buster finishes yawning although George Sr is ignoring him]
Buster : Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?
Michael : Yeah, I got to let my son go.
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George Michael Bluth : I have Pop Pop in the attic.
Michael Bluth : The mere fact that you call making love "Pop Pop" tells me that you're not ready.
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Michael : [to George-Michael at Milford interview] Save it for the talk room, son.
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George Michael Bluth : I came to talk to you about the softball game. We need some girls on the team this year.
Michael Bluth : It's a league requirement.
Narrator : One that was difficult to keep, given GOB's behavior in the third inning of last year's game.
[shows GOB lying on top of a woman]
Narrator : And in the fifth.
[shows GOB following one of the female players]
Narrator : Oh, and before the game.
[shows GOB pouring water over the female players]
Michael Bluth : We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.
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Michael Bluth : Look, you can't risk leaving the attic any more.
George Sr. : When have you seen me outside?
Michael Bluth : Yesterday at the Ford Dealer.
George Sr. : Yeah, well, have you seen those new Mustangs? I'm telling you - you could hump the hood.
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Michael : [At Police Station, on phone to Lucille] They're keeping me over night while I wait for my arraignment. I'd appreciate it if you could tell my son that I'm on a business trip.
Lucille : Why can't the girl at work do it?
Michael : Tobias? I sent him on a date with Kitty to keep her off our backs.
Lucille : Well, you better hope Lindsay doesn't find out. She'll be devastated.
Lindsay Funke : [Enters room] Find out what?
Lucille : Your husband's dating Kitty, the whore.
Lindsay Funke : He is? That's horrible.
[Exits]
Lucille : [to Michael] Do I know my daughter?
-
Lindsay Funke : I think George Michael needs a mother.
Michael : Well, he's got you, he's got mom, you think that would turn him off the concept entirely.
-
Tobias Fünke : I want my family back. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to reunite the band.
Michael : Oh, no.
Narrator : Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne acqusition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.
-
[getting off the phone with George Sr]
Michael : What'd he say?
George Michael : Well, if I clean it up, it really isn't a sentence.
-
Michael Bluth : Why are you squeezing me with your body?
Lucille Bluth : It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you.
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George Bluth, Sr. : Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?
Michael Bluth : Just one? No. No idea. It sounds wonderful, though.
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Gob : I did the right thing, Michael. If I didn't fire them, how could I teach a lesson to the others?
Michael : There are no others. You fired everyone.
Gob : Oh, that's great. The guy who's dirty dancing with his niece is telling the guy in the $3,600 suit... how to... run the business...
[pause]
Gob : Come on.
Michael : Maybe we were better off with me being businesslike and you being the good time useless party guy.
Gob : It got us this far. And I must say I miss the laughter. Oh God, how they used to laugh with me.
Michael : AT you. We have to figure out a way to hire everybody back. A meeting.
Gob : A party.
Michael : No, we just had a party.
Gob : Yeah but I didn't get to have any fun.
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George Sr. : [explaining why he left the company to Lucille] They cannot charge a husband and wife for the same crime.
Michael : That's not true.
George Sr. : Really?
Michael : Yep.
George Sr. : [whispering] I got the worst
[bleep]
George Sr. : -ing attorneys.
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Michael : G. O. B., you've found a woman who believes in you. You should make a commitment to her because life is short. Listen to me. I would give anything to be able to have that again, you know? A family. Nothing else matters.
Lucille : Michael?
Michael : It's Mom. Hide.
Gob : You brought up money earlier. I actually would like to borrow some.
Michael : No.
Lucille : Michael?
Gob : He's in here, Mom.
Michael : Come on.
-
Lucille Bluth : I'll be in the hospital bar.
Michael Bluth : Uhh, you know, there isn't a hospital bar, mother.
Lucille Bluth : Well, this is why people hate hospitals.
-
Michael : You want to be in charge?
Gob : Yeah.
Michael : You want to deal with what I deal with? A sister who takes your money and throws it away. A mother who you can't trust. A company whose founder may be on trial for treason. Is that what you want?
Gob : What kind of vacation time does it offer?
-
Michael : [discussing evidence that links George Sr. to Saddam Hussein] If this information was so damaging, why didn't you just shred it?
George Sr. : Well, Saddam owed us money.
Michael : And you didn't realize that he wouldn't pay?
George Sr. : Your mom had a good feeling about him.
-
Buster : [about Lucille] It's like she gets off on being witholding.
Michael : Whoa. Buster.
Gob : Look who's got something to say.
Buster : [impersonating Lucille] I'm Mom and I want to shoot down everything you say so I feel good about myself.
[everyone laughs]
Gob : Look who's ragging on the old lady.
Buster : Cause I'm an uptight
[long bleep]
Buster : Buster
[Long bleep]
Buster : ... you old horny slut.
Michael : [pause] Well, no one's going to top that.
-
Lucille Bluth : Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital. That's Lupe, her sister.
Michael Bluth : I hope she's okay...
Lucille Bluth : She's awful. Can barely wash a dish.
[Lucille sees Lupe cleaning the inside of the fireplace]
Lucille Bluth : Uh oh. She better not walk through here after she's been in there.
[to Lupe]
Lucille Bluth : Tell me you've got an exit strategy.
Michael Bluth : [chiding her] Mother...
Lucille Bluth : Oh, please. They didn't sneak into this country to be your friends.
-
Michael : That cousin of yours is a smart girl... Its too bad you can't date her.
George Michael Bluth : No, I was talk... You mean, you wouldn't have a problem with that?
[Michael looks at him funny]
George Michael Bluth : ...Nothing.
-
George Michael Bluth : Don't you always say "family first"?
Michael : Yes, I do. But that is not a family. Okay? They're a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose. And Aunt Lindsay.
George Michael Bluth : She's not my real aunt?
Michael : Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she was 14 in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.
-
George Sr. : Don't get involved. Believe me. When I thought your first wife was pulling us apart, I did not make a stink.
Michael : You complained all the time and she was my only wife and she died.
George Sr. : Well, see? Things have a way of working themselves out.
-
Lindsay : What was all that about?
Michael Bluth : I think Buster's planning to flee to Mexico.
-
Michael Bluth : You know what you do? You go buy yourself a tape recorder and record yourself for a whole day. You might be surprised at some of your phrasing.
Tobias Fünke : Butterscotch. Wanna lick?
-
George Sr. : The Brits set me up. I heard nothing about Iraq.
Michael : Dad, we have a picture of you and Saddam Hussein.
[picture of George Sr. shaking hands with Saddam Hussein. Caption says "Bluth-Hussen Meeting 1998."]
George Sr. : I thought he was the Soup Nazi. I was just congratulating him on a great job.
-
Gob : Ok, ok, ok. So should, should, should, should, should, shhhhshsh, should, should...
Michael : Well, do it your way, I'm just here to have fun.
Gob : Not too much fun, all right? I already gave my big sexual harassment speech today.
Gob : [subtitle: earlier that day...]
[Gob talking to Bluth employees about sexual harassment]
Gob : Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of inter-office
[bleep]
Gob : ing, or
[bleep]
Gob : ing, or finger
[bleep]
Gob : , or
[bleep]
Gob : sting, or
[bleep]
Gob : esting or
[bleep]
Gob : eing or even
[bleep]
Gob : . Even though so many people in this office are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll
[bleep]
Gob : , and I'll personally
[really long bleep]
Gob : .
-
Michael : Gob, I'm going to need you to sneak Mom out of rehab.
Gob : Gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at Spring Break would be Mom.
Buster : She's better than the whores you date.
Gob : Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster : Mom's still got it.
Gob : I don't date whores.
Lindsay Funke : Stop it, both of you. This objectification of women has got to stop.
Michael : It's just Mom and whores.
-
Michael : Why haven't you talked to my brother, the new President of the company?
Wayne Jarvis : We did earlier. He claims to know nothing.
Michael : Well, that's not an act. He twice tried to heat up a Ding-Dong in a microwave while it was still in its tinfoil.
Wayne Jarvis : Twice?
Michael : Two times.
-
George Michael : Yeah, Ann loves eggs. Sometimes, she puts mayonnaise in her mouth, then she puts the egg in there and does this
[Imitates pushing an egg around in his mouth]
George Michael : She calls it a "mayonegg!"
George Michael : [pause]
[to Michael]
George Michael : Are you ok?
Michael : Yeah, I don't feel so good.
-
Michael Bluth : I need you to do something to my mom that I cannot do. Maybe some Afternoon Delight.
Oscar : Ah. Now the question is, how do I get it in her?
Narrator : Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannibus called "Afternoon Delight". It was known for the ability to slow down reflexes.
Michael Bluth : I don't want any details...
Oscar : Maybe I'll put it in her brownie...
Michael Bluth : Hey.
-
Lindsay Funke : You'll never be able to pull this off, Michael. You're the good guy. This isnt you.
Michael : It's me now, Lindsay. It's the me that can recline.
[he leans back and hits his head on the railing]
Lindsay Funke : Did that hurt?
Michael : No.
-
Michael : I thought I got rid of GOB, but Dad puts him right back in the business.
Lindsay Funke : You two have always fought. In fact, I think I have a video of that.
Michael : You and half of Orange County.
Narrator : As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight each other. He thought it would equip them for the challenges of life. He also believed that footage of the boys fighting would be a big hit in the burgeoning home-video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as "Boyfights 2", "A Boyfights Cookout", and "Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70".
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Buster : I have an idea. It is time I used something I trained for in Army, but I never got a chance to do.
[he prepares to zipline to a balcony where George Michael and Lucille are]
Michael : Buster, you can't zip-line over there.
Buster : Either I zip down, or he zips up, and that is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit. You have to get on your knees to start it.
Michael : This is much less scary. Godspeed, Buster.
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Lindsay Funke : [discussing Michael's dislike of George Michael's girlfriend] You know, maybe if you stopped judging her, he'd trust you. Look, if you say no, you're just going to drive him right to her.
George Michael Bluth : Hey, Dad, can you drive me to Ann's?
Michael : Nnnn... Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes.
George Michael Bluth : Great. I'll wait in the car.
Michael : I don't think that worked.
-
Lindsay Funke : Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band solution was a nightmare.
Michael : Tobias said it was some of the most fun your family has ever had.
Lindsay Funke : Yeah, well, I was whacked on Xanotab.
Michael : Well I thought Xanotab was supposed to make everything better.
Lindsay Funke : For fifteen minutes. Then it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell. It's not a good supplement. Besides, Maebe wont do it.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke : Let's do it. I want to reunite the band. That was some of the best times we've ever had.
-
Michael : Oh sure, Lindsay. You're a much better parent - no borders, no limits, oh go ahead, touch the Cornballer...
-
Tobias Fünke : [Tobias has been trying out for the Blue Man Group] Bad news, Michael, I am afraid that I am no longer an understudy for the Blue Man Group. It seems that we have parted ways.
Michael : [reading an official-looking letter] "Cease and decist... "
Tobias Fünke : Apparently, they dont like competition.
[shows a magazine ad with Tobias that says "Want a Blue Man For Less Green?"]
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Armless man : Oh, my God. My arm.
Michael : Oh, my God, this guy's arm.
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Michael : Where did you get that outfit?
Lindsay Funke : Mom gave it to me. I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.
Michael : Only two of those words describe mom, so I know you're lying to me.
Lindsay Funke : Okay fine. I bought it before we went broke. I just haven't worn it until now.
Michael : Uh huh. And the outfit yesterday?
Lindsay Funke : Old Thing gave it to me.
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Michael : [seeing everyone lying around on couches] Okay, is there a carbon monoxide leak in this house?
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Tobias Fünke : [Tobias is working as a waiter] I need to go take down the buffet and set up the leather pony.
Michael Bluth : What's the leather pony?
Tobias Fünke : I don't know, we don't have that at lunch.
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Michael Bluth : You can call me anything you want...
Lindsay Funke : An impotent man-boy?
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Michael Bluth : That's why people don't typically cook in these things or install them in attics. Besides, you made me look very foolish in front of Sally Sitwell.
George Sr. : Did you stick it to her?
Michael Bluth : No. You screwed that up just like you screwed up this hot tub.
