- Paige: Admit to God... you are a whore.
- Sylvia Stickles: I'm a whore.
- Paige: Good. Now, make a list of all the people you've fucked and apologize to their parents.
- Dora: Ever take a rufie?
- Sylvia Stickles: No!
- Dora: Me neither. I'm afraid I'll stay home and date rape myself all night long.
- Ronnie the Rimmer: Hello. I'm Ronnie the Rimmer, and I'm a sex addict.
- Sylvia Stickles: I'm Sylvia, and my clitoris is in crisis.
- Neuter Grandmother on Bus: I seen you, Sylvia Stickles, showing your pubic patch to the bus driver. You should move downtown where you belong, you whore!
- Big Ethel: Did you see those new neighbors moving in? Hmm? Grown men with hairly legs prancing around half naked? "We're bears." What the hell is that supposed to mean?
- Vaughn Stickles: Help us! The sex addicts are taking over. Call the National Guard!
- Neuter Yuppie Woman: To hell with this!
- Neuter Yuppie Man: We're moving back to D.C. where we belong!
- Caprice Stickles: I'm a sex addict, I'm an exhibitionist, and I'm your daughter.
- Sylvia Stickles: Oh, Ursula, ever since my concussion, I've learned so much about eros. I'm a sex addict, too. I'm a cunnilingus bottom, and I'm your mother.
- [from trailer]
- Sylvia Stickles: I'm Sylvia Stickles and I've got the itch!
- Sexed-Up Black Neighbor: Come on up here and give me some of that strange.
- Sylvia Stickles: I'm coming as fast as I can!
- Fat Fuck Frank: But, Ursula! They're hotter than a fresh-fucked fox in a forest fire, you know that!
- Big Ethel: You going to the movies, Dave?
- Dingy Dave: Huh?
- Big Ethel: [watching him scratch his ass] Hell, you're pickin' your seat, aren't you?
- Marge the Neuter: It's not safe out! People are shaving their crotches as we speak. There is pubic hair in the air! Everywhere!
- [Fat Fuck Frank jumps out in front of Sylvia as the Yuppie neighbors work on their formstorm]
- Fat Fuck Frank: Mrs. Stickles, my name Fat Fuck Frank and I'm your daughter's number one fan.
- Sylvia Stickles: She moved to the Erie Canal area.
- [the Neuter Yuppie Woman giggles]
- Neuter Yuppie Man: Hey, Vaughn.
- Vaughn Stickles: [to the Neuter Yuppie Man] Hey!
- [to Fat Fuck Frank]
- Vaughn Stickles: Caprice retired from show business. She's no longer a public figure.
- Fat Fuck Frank: Her name ain't Caprice. It's "Ursula Udders" and she's famous. She got the biggest tits on Harford Road!
- [the Neuter Yuppie Neighbors stifle their laughs]
- Fat Fuck Frank: [shouting] Ursula! Ursula Udders!
- Neuter Yuppie Man: Texture, that's what I call it.
- Fat Fuck Frank: It's me, Fat Fuck Frank, and I miss them great big...!
- [Vaughn puts his hand over Fat Fuck Frank's mouth and silences the rest of his shout while Caprice bangs on her windows]
- Caprice Stickles: Destroy all Neuters!
- Neuter Yuppie Woman: We sure didn't have this in D.C.
- Neuter Yuppie Man: God, I love Baltimore. It's a real city of diversity.
- Marge the Neuter: Today, somebody called me a Neuter. And you know what? I didn't mind. If neuter means "normal," I'll say it loud - I am Marge the Neuter and I'm proud!
- Caprice Stickles: [explaining why she is going to have her breasts reduced] My back hurts. I'm getting sores. I wanna do housework without pain. I'd like to sleep on my stomach once in a while...
- Neuter Man with Sub-Titles: [after Sylvia makes a move on him] That's it! I'm moving to Tulsa.
- Big Ethel: Don't run away. Join us for our decency rally today. Only you can prevent fornication.
- Neuter Man with Sub-Titles: Whatever...
- [Loose Linda busts into a family's house]
- Loose Linda: OK! Who wants to fuck me?
- [the Horny Kid raises his hand]
- Horny Kid: I do!
- [the kid's family and Loose Linda fight over him]
- Ray-Ray: One day we're going to discover a brand new sex act, one that's never been performed before. And we hope you'll be with us on that day of carnal rapture.
- Sylvia Stickles: You were convicted of indecent exposure for the third time!
- Caprice Stickles: I was promoting the art of dance!
- Sylvia Stickles: With nude loitering? Nude and disorderly conduct? Nude drunken driving?
- Caprice Stickles: I was not drunk! I was on pills!
- [at the Bear house]
- Cow Patty: Hi, I'm Cow Patty.
- Vaughn Stickles: Hi, I'm Vaughn. I live up the street and I'm looking for my wife Sylvia.
- Cow Patty: I'm the only Goldilocks allowed in this Bear cave. I'm a Bear Hag and we call this...
- Mama Bear, Papa Bear, Baby Bear: Bear soup!
- [Big Ethel looks in at the Bears as Cow Patty notices her]
- Cow Patty: Wow, a tranny bear. Come on in!
- Big Ethel: [as she runs off] Police!
- Sylvia Stickles: Mother, I don't feel well.
- Big Ethel: Well, no wonder, they've got blatant homosexuals shopping right in our store. They eat life, you know... Sperm!
- Neuter Old Maid: [to Big Ethel] I heard your daughter Sylvia picked up a bottle with her cooter in the old folks' home!
- Sylvia Stickles: Hey, would you like to go out for some funch?
- Vaughn Stickles: What's funch?
- Sylvia Stickles: Fucking during lunch!
- Neuter Old Maid: My husband is on Viagra. Every minute he wants it! I'm Viagra-vated and I'm not gonna take it anymore!