- Bill, Cathy's Father: [last lines; on Cathy's answering machine] Hi, honey, it's Dad. Just wanted to let you know Mom's on her way over to apologize for butting in. I know how you feel about surprises.
- Cathy Andrews: [voiceover] Of the $3 billion that will be spent on Valentine's week, $2 billion of it will be spent by me, trying to make sure I'm appealing enough to receive a $.95 greeting card.
- Cathy Andrews: [voiceover] Of all the valentine chocolates that will be eaten this year, 36% will be eaten by women who buy it for ourselves before Valentine's Day even gets here.
- Mr. Pinley: Bravo, Cathy!
- Cathy Andrews: It's one of those few perfect events - store filled with my one obsession just when I need consolation over my other obsession.
- Mr. Pinley: You haven't been this productive since your New Year's Eve fight of 1986!
- Irving: Everyone knows the first rule of being a valentine is compromise. You can open one of your stupid magazines.
- [he and Cathy disappear behind her counter, smooching]
- Cathy Andrews: [tossing one of her magazines on the counter top] I already did.
- Cathy Andrews: [peeking out from behind a snow-woman, inviting him to have lunch with her] Yoo-hoo! Handsome!
- Irving: Ah, I see you've been to the therapist again, Cathy.
- Cathy Andrews: Wanna help me unthaw?
- Irving: You always act like a lunatic after you've been to the shrink.
- Irving: [as he approaches Cathy's house with his valentine gift for her; to himself] Cathy, I'm sorry - no, no, no, no. Happy Valentine's, my darling - nah, nah, that's ridiculous, no, no...
- [rings Cathy's doorbell]
- Irving: Cathy, you look so beautiful today. You're...
- [he opens the door to reveal that Cathy is not yet dressed, much to his surprise]
- Irving: You're not even dressed yet; we're gonna be late!
- Cathy Andrews: I've been dressed eleven times already; it's not my fault you got here in between outfits!
- Irving: Well, hurry up; we're gonna have to take your car, I'm out of gas.
- Cathy Andrews: Again? Will you see if my keys are out there somewhere?
- Irving: What? Aw, don't tell me we have to start the key search again!
- Cathy Andrews: Irving, if you'd be willing to commit to more than two gallons of gas at a time, we wouldn't *have* to search for my keys all the time.
- Irving: If you put your keys on the counter like a *normal* person, I wouldn't have to stock up on gas every time I saw ya!
- Cathy Andrews: Irving, call a cab!
- Irving: [bringing out a handful of cords for Cathy's stereo] Surprise!
- Cathy Andrews: [slightly disappointed] Oh.
- Irving: [chuckles, then begins hooking up the cords] I've figured out how to wire this right to your cable!
- Cathy Andrews: Irving, I thought - you know, you wanted to do something romantic.
- Irving: Are you kidding? Look at this: I've got splinters, cable links...
- Cathy Andrews: [flirtatiously] You know, curl up on the couch, and...
- Irving: Needlenose pliers!
- Cathy Andrews: [getting irritated] Irving? Romantic?
- Irving: What do you call this?
- Cathy Andrews: [scoffs exasperatingly] I want a kiss, not digitized sound.
- Irving: [also scoffing] Why is it that things have to go ex-actly by the rules of your - stupid "Romance of the Month" books, so they don't count, huh?
- Cathy Andrews: Why are *you* so afraid of involvement you hide behind stuff all the time?
- Irving: [holding up the cords] I got this *stuff* for you!
- Cathy Andrews: Gizmos, newspapers, remote controls, how am I supposed to get close to you, huh?
- Irving: Close? Who's the one who locks herself in the bathroom in the middle of a date to study magazine articles?
- Cathy Andrews: I'm researching how to hold a man's hand when it's always full of *stuff*!
- Irving: Yet, you don't even want to deal with the real person.
- Cathy Andrews: Real men don't think cable splinters are romantic gifts!
- Irving: Just - just forget it, Cathy, okay? I'm sick of being the perfect guy just to get yelled at!
- [heads for the door]
- Cathy Andrews: Take your needlenose pliers with you!
- Irving: [putting his jacket on] Fine! And we're not coming back!
- Cathy Andrews: [as Irving closes the door] Fine!
- Cathy Andrews: [almost reentering] Except we have to go to Ross's wedding on Valentine's Day! We have a commitment!
- Cathy Andrews: Fine!
- [Irving leaves]
- Anne, Cathy's Mother: [on the phone] Hi, sweetie! Happy Valentine's Day!
- Cathy Andrews: Thanks, Mom; you, too.
- Anne, Cathy's Mother: Dad thought you'd like to join us for dinner.
- Cathy Andrews: Tell Dad I have plans for Valentine's Day.
- Anne, Cathy's Mother: She has plans.
- Bill, Cathy's Father: Mom wonders if your plans are to see the psychiatrist.
- Cathy Andrews: Irving's taking me to a wedding. Everything's fine; we're going to a happy, romantic, wonderful wedding together.
- Bill, Cathy's Father: [to Mom] She'll be seeing the psychiatrist.
- Irving: [in the cab on the way to Ross and Lisa's wedding] Sorry.
- Cathy Andrews: Me, too.
- Irving: [sarcastically] You have to pay for the cab; I didn't bring any cash.
- Cathy Andrews: I didn't bring any cash, either.
- Irving: What do you *mean* you didn't bring any cash? You have a ten pound purse with you.
- Cathy Andrews: This is a dainty evening bag; cash would make the sides bulge out.
- Irving: What are you hauling to a wedding that might be more useful than a $10 bill?
- Cathy Andrews: You have fifteen pockets in your clothes; you don't have room for money?
- Irving: [sarcastically handing Cathy's valentine gift to her] I spent all my cash on your valentine, darling.
- Cathy Andrews: [sarcastically handing Irving's valentine gift to him] I spent six hours rewrapping your valentine, dearest, and I'm not accepting one in a store bag that you just grabbed on the way over.
- Irving: WHAT? Does it give rules in your stupid books for how a gift has to be wrapped, or it doesn't count, too?
- Cathy Andrews: You're supposed to at least take off the price tag!
- Irving: Ha!
- Cathy Andrews: Ha!
- Cab Driver: Uh, that'll be $4.85.
- Irving, Cathy Andrews: HA!
- Anne, Cathy's Mother: [entering Cathy's house with groceries] Call the FBI, dear, her brain's been stolen.
- Cathy Andrews: Mom! Dad, I thought we agreed on no more surprise visits.
- Anne, Cathy's Mother: I know, sweetie, but it's so hard to pass up a chance to be mortifying.
- Bill, Cathy's Father: It was your mother's idea. She thought you might be out of ammonia.
- Anne, Cathy's Mother: [handing a tissue to Cathy so she can blot her lipstick] Blot. Your father thought you'd be running low on light bulbs.
- Bill, Cathy's Father: Mom is concerned about the toilet paper situation.
- Cathy Andrews: [first lines; voiceover narration] I've look forward to Valentine's Day and dreaded it with the exact same passion since I was old enough to spell "chocolate". 1961: no valentine. Valentine's Day is everything I love marching right smack into the arms of everything I dread. 1968: valentine from the wrong person. 1974: valentine from the right person, two years, too late. 1981: valentine from a relative. This year's going to be different. For the first time in my life, I'm going into Valentine's Day knowing I have a boyfriend; someone to love, right by my side. This Valentine's Day is *really* going to be different.
- Cathy Andrews: [voiceover] I've always believed the backbone of the human race is women's ability to keep having hope where no hope exists. It's a skill we learn from restarting our diets every day of our lives. Unfortunately, there's a fine line between being the hope-filled tower of strength that keeps love going and being the hope-filled doormat with no concept of when a relationship is actually over. I never know which side of the line I'm on until *way* after it's too late.
- Minister: Ross and Lisa have asked to say a few special words to each other. Ross?
- Ross: [sighing] Well - a few minutes ago, I was bailing out my best friend because the cab driver wouldn't take credit cards. He's one of those guys who only buys gas a gallon at a time and - and never carries cash. Why, it used to make me *crazy* until Lisa said that if he's the kind of guy who's always getting stuck, why don't you just be the kind of guy who always has his wallet with him? Lisa taught me a lot about being a friend, but that it only works when you start loving the person who's there, not the one you imagined. By letting me be who I am... Lisa, you've let me believe that I could be anything, and that together, we can be everything.
- [exhales briefly]
- Ross: I love you.
- [we see Cathy sob at the scene while the other guests and Irving stare at her in horror]
- Lisa: I used to study all these books about how a relationship should work - and - then used that as an excuse for not getting involved when things didn't go exactly like the plan. You were wise enough to know I was just a little afraid, Ross. After all these years of studying how to win a man's heart, you were the first to let me see what I really wanted to learn was how to trust having my own heart won. You're a valentine I want for my whole life, Ross.
- [we see Irving cry briefly at the scene, then cough and clear his throat]
- Minister: Ross and Lisa, I'm proud and happy to pronounce you husband and wife.
- Cathy Andrews: You just used the word "we" three times in a row without choking.
- Irving: And you just had a four minute conversation without falling asleep or screaming.