Star Trek: Enterprise (2001–2005)
Dominic Keating: Lt. Malcolm Reed, Maj. Malcolm Reed
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Quotes
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[Upon waking up bound in a basement on Risa]
Commander Tucker : You think this is my fault?
Lt. Reed : You were willing to follow two strange aliens into a basement.
Commander Tucker : Gorgeous aliens. Don't forget they were gorgeous.
Lt. Reed : They were male.
Commander Tucker : Not at first.
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Lt. Reed : So what is happening between you and Amanda?
Commander Tucker : We are just friends. Is everyone on this ship watching us?
Lt. Reed : You're hard to miss.
Commander Tucker : That's what T'Pol said.
Lt. Reed : Is it true that she's giving Amanda neuropressure now? I heard it was damage control from your tender touch.
Commander Tucker : T'Pol's just smoothing out some of the rough spots.
[very clipped voice]
Commander Tucker : That's all.
Lt. Reed : Why were you giving Amanda Cole neuropressure anyway?
Commander Tucker : [very defensive] What's it to you?
Lt. Reed : Well, from what I've been told it's a pretty intimate procedure. Sure you're just friends?
Commander Tucker : I do it with T'Pol. Are you implying that there is something going on there, as well?
Lt. Reed : That's the rumor.
Commander Tucker : For the last time, there is nothing going on with any of us. Between any of us.
Lt. Reed : Right. Just friends?
Commander Tucker : That's right.
Lt. Reed : I guess this Vulcan neuropressure isn't that intimate after all.
Commander Tucker : Exactly.
Lt. Reed : In that case, I've got this nasty little pain...
Commander Tucker : [voice very clipped] Just drop it.
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Commander Tucker : Where did you put the phase pistols?
Lt. Reed : You're going to shoot a bug?
Commander Tucker : I'm just going to stun it.
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Commander Tucker : You did all that... with a phase pistol?
Lt. Reed : You're good at building things. I'm good at blowing them up.
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[Malcolm mentions he is going to reread Ulysses]
Commander Tucker : I'd rather realign every microcircuit on this shuttle than try to read through that baby.
Lt. Reed : British schools have a core curriculum. It serves to provide a well-rounded education. Sometimes I think you North Americans read nothing but comic books and those ridiculous science fiction novels.
Commander Tucker : I'll have you know that Superman was laced with metaphor. Subtext layered on subtext.
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Lt. Reed : All we have left is to reset the emitters.
Lieutenant Talas : What's the frequency?
Lt. Reed : I'll do it.
Lieutenant Talas : You don't trust me.
Lt. Reed : No offence, but when it comes to our weapons frequencies, I wouldn't trust my own mother.
Lieutenant Talas : Is your mother considered a security risk?
Lt. Reed : It's just an expression.
Lieutenant Talas : An odd one. My mother's security clearance is higher than mine.
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Lt. Reed : What do you think of T'Pol, hmm? Do you think she's pretty?
Commander Tucker : T'Pol? Are you serious?
Lt. Reed : Well, she is a woman you know. I think she's pretty.
Commander Tucker : You've had too much to drink.
Lt. Reed : Don't tell me you've never noticed her, you know, in that way.
Commander Tucker : Nah, she's a Vulcan.
Lt. Reed : I think she's pretty.
Commander Tucker : Oh, God.
Lt. Reed : You ever noticed her bum?
Commander Tucker : What?
Lt. Reed : Her bum. She's got an awfully nice bum.
Commander Tucker : [toasts] To Subcommander T'Pol.
Lt. Reed : Awfully nice.
-
[Lt. Reed has a bad case of the cold]
Lt. Reed : [sneezes] We can travel faster than the speed of light. You'd think we could find a cure for the common cold.
Dr. Phlox : You should be grateful. A human cold is so mild. I once had a patient with the Kamaraazite flu. He sneezed so violently, he nearly regurgitated his pineal gland.
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Dr. Phlox : Lieutenant? Are you passing through or is there something I can help you with?
Lt. Reed : Actually, there is something.
Dr. Phlox : Yes?
Lt. Reed : I assume I can depend on doctor-patient confidentiality?
Dr. Phlox : This wouldn't have anything to do with gastrointestinal distress?
Lt. Reed : Is it that obvious?
Dr. Phlox : Not at all. There's a notation in your medical file. Something about, er, an unfortunate incident during zero-G training.
Lt. Reed : The EV simulator at Lunaport. Or, as Starfleet trainees call it: the Vomitorium.
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Lt. Reed : I've also been working on a new alert signal. Tell me what you think.
[pushes button, and a highly annoying sound goes off]
Lt. Reed : Or this one?
[pushes another button, another irritating sound]
Commander Tucker : [looks highly annoyed, then deactivates sound]
Lt. Reed : Which one do you prefer?
Commander Tucker : For what?
Lt. Reed : A tactical alert!
Commander Tucker : They both sound like a bag full of cats!
Lt. Reed : Well, they were designed to get your attention!
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[about phase pistols]
Lt. Reed : They have two settings: stun and kill... It'd be best not to confuse them.
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[the Andorian Lieutenant Talas is helping Lt. Reed with fixing Enterprise]
Lieutenant Talas : For what it's worth, Lieutenant, I'm not here to steal your secrets. It would hardly be worth the effort.
Lt. Reed : I beg your pardon?
Lieutenant Talas : Last time I saw weapons like these was during my early tactical training.
Lt. Reed : [sarcastically] Sorry I wasted your time on our primitive systems.
Lieutenant Talas : Not at all. I found it nostalgic.
[Reed sneers indignantly]
Lieutenant Talas : Just be careful when you reconnect that to your power grid. You didn't reset the EPS synchroniser. You may singe your eyebrows when you bring it back online.
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Commander Tucker : I'm gonna have to put you up on report.
Lt. Reed : I saved your life.
Commander Tucker : You disobeyed a direct order.
Lt. Reed : If you put that in my file, it will be years before I am up for a pro...
[notices Trip is laughing]
Lt. Reed : You're pulling my leg.
Commander Tucker : [can't stop laughing] Malcolm, you're just so easy.
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[about the transporter]
Lt. Reed : I don't think I'm quite ready to have my molecules compressed into a data stream.
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[they are on an alien vessel which is blowing up all around them]
Commander Tucker : You did all this with just a phase pistol?
Lt. Reed : You're good at building things, I'm good at blowing them up.
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[Malcolm has just awoken from a fantasy about T'Pol]
Lt. Reed : What's that?
Commander Tucker : I got the receiver working but the transmitter's a lost cause. Who's Stinky?
Lt. Reed : I beg your pardon?
Commander Tucker : You were talking in your sleep. Kept calling for some guy named Stinky.
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[Archer, Tucker and Reed are highly agitated from a nearby radiation source]
Commander Tucker : [showing Archer his schematics for the new Captain's chair] You might want to see this, sir! Interactive status displays, secondary helm control. It's even got inertial micro-dampers. The ship could be shakin' apart and you'd hardly feel a thing!
Lt. Reed : [frustrated] You ignored a Tactical Alert for this?
Commander Tucker : [ignores Reed] I want to run some colours by you for the head rest.
Lt. Reed : This is all a big joke to you!
Commander Tucker : [to Reed] Give it a rest!
Lt. Reed : This isn't a bloody pleasure cruise! Without proper discipline on this ship, this mission is doomed!
Commander Tucker : [highly annoyed] Why don't you play soldier somewhere else?
Lt. Reed : [with suppressed anger] If this were a military situation, you'd be taken out and shot!
[Tucker and Reed start fighting]
Captain Archer : Hey!
[he breaks them apart, then slams Tucker against the wall.]
Captain Archer : I don't care what colour the headrest is, or whether it can serve me ice-tea! I just want to sit when I'm on duty!
[releases Tucker, then slams Reed against the wall.]
Captain Archer : And if I hear that alarm one more time, I may have *you* taken out and shot!
[releases Reed, then turns to T'Pol.]
Captain Archer : Unless there's a *real* emergency, like a reactor breach, I don't want to be disturbed!
-
[Lt. Reed's stomach has been mutated]
Lt. Reed : Have you got anything for my stomach? Chef's food isn't sitting too well.
Dr. Phlox : Till your digestive tract is fully restored, you may want to avoid Mess Hall.
Lt. Reed : What do you suggest I eat?
Dr. Phlox : You're welcome to some of the moth larvae I feed to my Pyrithian bat.
