Coupling (2000–2004)
Richard Coyle: Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock
Photos
Quotes
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Jeff : When God made the arse, he didn't say, 'Hey, it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early.' He said, 'Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these, and shout my name!
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Steve : What is this?
Susan : It's a cushion.
Steve : Right. Yes. Thank you for that. Very informative.
[to Jeff]
Steve : You got any of these?
Jeff : No.
Steve : Of course you haven't.
[to shop assistant]
Steve : You - are you married? Living with anyone?
Junior Shop Assistant : No.
Steve : Got any of these?
Junior Shop Assistant : No.
Steve : Of course not. Okay!
[to the women]
Steve : You bring these things into our homes. They sit on our chairs. They watch our televisions. Now, I just need to know, on behalf of all men everywhere, I just need to ask, please... What are they for? I mean, look at them! Look at the chubby little bastards! Just sitting around everywhere! What are they, pets for chairs?
[to shop assistants]
Steve : Come on, you sell them. What are they for?
Junior Shop Assistant : Well...
Senior Shop Assistant : You sit on them.
Steve : Ah! Ha ha ha! You see, that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Okay, watch this. Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now watch me. I'm stting down. And what do I do on my final approach? I - oh! - move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process. It just lies there. It's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!
Jane : It's, you know... padding.
Steve : Oh, padding! Now, that's interesting, Jane. See, I like padding. If I was, say, an American Football player, and all those big bastards running at me, I would say "give me some of that padding and be quick about it." If my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks I would say "in view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much." But Susan, Sally, Jane, this is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course...
[drops behind sofa, then sticks head out]
Steve : Daleks. Trust me girls, trust me on this one: you do not need padding to tackle upholstery. So please - once and for all, tell me why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of these?
Susan : Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, it might stop you talking!
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Jeff : There's a supermodel who shags total prats and I don't know where she lives...
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Jeff : I love the word naked, it's brilliant isn't it, 'naked'. When I was a kid I used to write the word naked on a bit of paper hundreds of times and rub my face in it.
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Jeff : Maybe women are completely different when we're not with them. Maybe they're not cross all the time.
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Patrick : It was just so embarrassing. I didn't know what to do.
Steve : Happens to us all mate.
Jeff : All of us, in our time, are visited by the melty man.
Patrick : The what?
Jeff : Don't say his name, Patrick. Don't even think his name or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work on your terrified pants.
Patrick : [chuckle] Terrified pants?
Steve : [gravely] There's nothing funny about the melty man, Patrick.
Patrick : [face falls] You know about the melty man, too?
Steve : [in a "duh!" voice] We all know the melty man.
Patrick : Who is he?
Steve : The archenemy of trouser confidence.
Jeff : Professor Moriarty. In groin form.
Steve : Darth Vader
Jeff : Without the helmet.
Patrick : [terrified and shocked] What does he do?
Jeff : Patrick, you *know* what he does.
Patrick : [looks down] Oh right.
Jeff : You're in bed with a woman. Everything's going fine. That's when the melty man strikes.
Steve : Suddenly you find yourself thinking, "Maybe she's really bored".
Jeff : Maybe you're licking her neck too much. Are you over-wetting her neck?
Steve : Are you spending an equal amount of time on each breast? I mean, what if one breast gets ahead?
Jeff : Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish 'em both together and do them at once
[demonstrates]
Patrick : [frowns]
Steve : Or should you skip one breast completely just to save time?
Jeff : She's wriggling about. Is that a good sign or is she just trying to dry her neck?
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Jeff : She thinks I'm a mute with a balance problem.
