- [to the pharmacist]
- Paula Small: I need to refill this prescription. It's for my anxiety disorder and, uh, it's working nicely 'cause, uh... I wouldn't be able to approach you otherwise.
- Brendon: Coach, do you think I'm stupid?
- Coach McGuirk: Of course you're stupid, Brendon, all kids are stupid.
- Paula Small: I'm getting a raise!
- Brendon: That's great!
- Paula Small: Well, I'm going to ask for a raise.
- Brendon: Well, that's, um... practically great!
- Coach McGuirk: Per day, I would say I hate far more than I feel like I like something. I like my western omelet, but while I'm eating that there's about 17 other things that I hate, like my apartment, my breath, whatever's on the TV, whatever's in the paper. Then I walk outside and it'll be a nice day. Well that's great that's a good feeling for a split second and then I realize I hate my neighborhood, because I... you apparently can't play music after 6:00 pm... in this country
- Melissa Robbins: You'll have to wear glasses and people will make fun of you for the rest of your life, they'll call you four eyes and idiot!
- Jason: Then forget the glasses. I just won't read anymore.
- Melissa Robbins: Then they'll just call you idiot.
- Jason: Okay, how about laser surgery?
- Melissa Robbins: Well, that's fine if you don't mind growing an extra arm...
- Jason: I don't mind; it will help...
- Melissa Robbins: ...Out of your eye!
- Jason: Oh my god!
- Melissa Robbins: Listen to me, junior, when I'm finished with you, you'll be the envy of all the idiots on your block.
- Jason: Wow. There are a lot of idiots on my block.
- Brendon: [discussing his dad's new girlfriend] I dunno, Coach, I just don't like her.
- Coach McGuirk: Why, she ugly or something?
- Brendon: Oh, no! No, not at all! In fact, she's gorgeous!
- Coach McGuirk: Really?
- Brendon: Yeah, she could be like in a magazine or something!
- Coach McGuirk: [intrigued] What, like a DIRTY mag?
- Brendon: Uh, no. More like one of those model magazines.
- Coach McGuirk: [disappointed] Oh.