Sam and Max Hit the Road (1993 Video Game)

Bill Farmer: Sam, Psychic, Flambe, Vanuatoo

Quotes 

• [after confronting, subduing, and pummeling the mad scientist] 

  Max : He's not a real guy, Sam! Can I keep his head for a souvenir? Why do you suppose its ticking?

  Sam : That's no head, Max! It's one damned ugly timebomb! Let's leave this criminal cesspool pronto!

  Max : Good idea, Sam. Maybe we can ditch the head somewhere while the credits are running. Mind if I drive?

  Sam : Not if you don't mind me clawing at the dash and shrieking like a cheerleader.

  Max : Sam, is "pronto" a real word?

• [at the Mystery Vortex] 

  Sam : I wonder what causes these inanimate objects to dance their infernal jitterbug.

  Max : I think it's all controlled by really big magnets beneath the Earth's crust.

  Sam : You're an ignorant dolt, Max.

• [Reading Fun Facts about the Ball of Twine] 

  Sam : "If laid out from end to end, the twine would stretch from here to the far side of Jupiter. Also, scientists predict that by 2053 the sheer weight of the ball will push Earth out of its orbit, on a collision course with the sun."

  Max : Good thing my life expectancy's only six years.

  Sam : Way to take the short view, little buddy.

• [at a phone booth] 

  Sam : I don't have anyone to call.

  Max : Call me, call me!

  Sam : You'd have to get cellular.

  Max : I'm pixular! It's better than cellular!

  Sam : That was bad, Max. Really bad.

  Max : Hey, who cares? I'M CUTE!

• Sam : I'm thinking of a number between one and ten, and... I don't know why.

  Max : Me too.

• Sam : I think I've got something in my eye.

  Max : Try digging it out with a fork. That always works for me.

• Max : Why don't I get an inventory?

  Sam : Where would you keep it?

  Max : That's none of your damn business, Sam.

• Sam : It doesn't look much like a frog.

  Max : My innocence has been shattered by this blatant tourist trap. I want my money back.

  Sam : We didn't pay anything.

  Max : Well, somebody better give me some money.

• Max : Boy, it sure gets dark quick around here.

  Sam : I don't think this is a natural occurrence, Max. In fact, I think we're witnessing a celestial convergence of some sort.

  Max : Will it make that rock look more like a frog?

• Sam : It's a 1/200,000th scale model of the Ball of Twine.

  Max : And it's only 1/200,000th as stupid as the actual ball of twine.

  Sam : I bet it's really a soccer ball covered with string.

• Sam : So let me get this straight. You want us to go traipsing all over the country looking for a soggy bigfoot?

  Max : I've never been traipsing before. Does it hurt?

• Sam : It's a possessed outhouse!

  Max : This kind of thing wouldn't happen if they had indoor plumbing.

• Sam : [studying an Animatronic mammoth]  I've seen hair like this somewhere before.

  Max : Your butt?

  Sam : No, this hair has the same coarseness as sasquatch hair.

  Max : You don't suppose they skinned sasquatches to make this cheesy roadside attraction?

  Sam : Who knows? More importantly, who cares?

• [Sam's DeSoto crashes through the wall of the scientist laboratory, Sam and Max step out] 

  Sam : Hello.

  Max : This don't look like the Lincoln Tunnel, Sam.

  Sam : Looks to me like we've got a marginally volatile hostage situation here, Max.

  Max : Oohh! Does this mean we get to kick some puffy, white mad scientist butt?

  Sam : Can't think of a reason not to.

• [At the World's Largest Ball of Twine] 

  Sam : The words "big" and "large" only begin to describe this thing.

  Max : I think "stupid" and "inane" would be useful additions.

  Sam : Not to mention "grotesque."

• [Sam hangs up the phone] 

  Max : Another confused census taker?

  Sam : Actually, it was the Commissioner with another idiotic and baffling assignment.

  Max : Does it involve wanton destruction?

  Sam : We can only hope.

• Bigfoot Chief : You boys should be proud of what you've accomplished here today.

  Sam : You mean the wholesale destruction of 100 years of civilization in the western United States? You bet we are!

• Sam : You know, Max, I can't help but think that we have may have tampered with the fragile inner workings of this little spaceship we call Earth.

• Sam : My mind is a swirling miasma of scintillating thoughts and turgid ideas.

  Max : Me too.

• [after a run-in with Conroy Bumpus and Lee-Harvey] 

  Sam : Who was that?

  Max : I don't know, but if it weren't for the sheer carefree innocence of this carnival, I'd be breaking his kneecaps.

  Sam : You're a demonic little imp, Max.

• [Sam and Max encounter a body hanging on a railing] 

  Max : Gratuitous acts of senseless violence are my forte!

  [pushes it off] 

  Sam : You're such an adorable urchin, Max.

• Max : Hey, it IS all controlled by big magnets under the Earth's crust!

  Sam : Lucky guess.

• Sam : I'm feeling a little morally conflicted about returning Bruno to the circus.

  Max : I'm not. Let's go.

• Sam : Let us ride the "Cone Of Tragedy," or my partner here will chew off all your tattoos.

  Max : Not bloody likely.

• Sam : Excuse me. We need some help, and although you seem dangerously unequipped brain-wise, we've come to you for advice.

  Carnie : Huh?

• Max : Sam, either termites are burrowing through my skull, or one of us is ticking.

  Sam : Oops, oh yeah.

  [pulls out the scientist's head, which is a bomb] 

  Sam : Max, where should I put this so it doesn't hurt anyone we know or care about?

  Max : Out the window, Sam. There's nothing but strangers out there.

• Sam : Percent sign, ampersand, dollar sign.

  Max : And colon, semicolon too!

  Psychic : What are you

  [bleep] 

  Psychic : ing doing?

  Sam : Swearing in longhand, asterisk-mouth.

• Sam : Hey Sam, I mean Max.

• Sam : [Speaking to a hotel concierge]  You know, you look just like Evelyn Morrison; famed B-movie star

  Evelyn Morrison : I AM Evelyn Morrison, you cur!

  Sam : Actually I'm more of an Irish Wolfhound than a cur... I've seen all your movies!

  Max : My favorite was "Robot Terror From Beyond the Galaxy"

  Sam : Is that the one where the alien says "Klaatu barada nikto"?

  Max : No, that's "Vampires In Prison"

• Max : I'll never shave again.

  Sam : You never did.

• [after the opening credits] 

  Sam : Well, that was a pleasantly understated credits sequence.

  Max : I enjoyed the cheesy retro ambience.

  Sam : What the hell are you talking about, Max?

• Sam : I can now control the speed and direction of the rotating diner via these mounted binoculars!

  Max : That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

• Sam : I haven't seen that much twine since that night in Tokyo in '68.

• [after looking through the mounted binoculars at the top of the World's Largest Ball of Twine] 

  Sam : I'm sure this thing is somehow useful, but I'll be damned if I know how.

• Sam : I hope you know that watching too much TV is super bad for the eyes.

  Dug, the Moleman : Why do all you poorly-focused, squishy blobs say that?

• Sam : [at the World's Biggest Ball of Twine]  It's things like this that make me wish I were Canadian.

  Curator : They've got one of these too, but half of it's French.

• Sam : Your sadism is a credit to your profession.

• Max : Hey, cut out the swearing! We're trying to appeal to kids!

  Psychic : Get bent!

• Sam : My little buddy needs to use the facilities.

  Max : Facilities be damned! I need a bathroom!

• Sam : Are you as confused as I am?

  Max : Moreso.

• Sam : I guess Max and I could search for your missing freaks, but we'll need free run of the carnival to look for clues.

  Max : Yeah, and free corn dogs so we can yuke all over ourselves!

• Sam : My buddy and I want to ride the Cone of Tragedy.

  Max : That's right. We've lost the will to live.

• Sam : I'm Sam. He's Max. We fight crime.

  Max : We also like long walks along the beach.

• Max : I thought I heard a distant rumbling.

  Sam : You should have thought of that before we left.

• Sam : What's that noise?

  Max : It sounds like you do when you've eaten too much Thai food, Sam.

• Sam : Hey, Max, I got another plan.

  Max : I think I liked you better when you were clueless.

• Max : Jeez, that certainly took long enough!

  Sam : Shut up, Max. I hate that game.

  Max : Is that because you're a lousy golfer?

  Sam : You're an irritable little bunny today, aren't you?

  Max : Yeah, well why don't you try sitting in this smelly booth while I beat the hell out of helpless fish? Did I mention what a lousy golfer you were?

  Sam : Maybe I should just leave you in there.

• Max : Here, you carry it.

  Sam : I'd better. I have no idea where you'd put it.

  Max : That's none of your business, Sam!

• Max : Galileo was wrong.

  Sam : We're not in space, Max.

• Sam : That was wholesome.

  Max : Not to mention physically improbable.

• Max : Sam, this place is making my head ping.

  Sam : That's probably the metal plate in your head.

• Max : If we ever get this rich and famous, I want you to shoot me, Sam.

  Sam : It'll be a pleasure.

• Sam : Sounds heavy.

  Max : Like fruitcake!

• Max : It says: egavas elgnuj nni

  Sam : Close enough for jazz.

• Max : We finally got the tooth.

  Sam : The whole tooth?

  Max : Nothing but.

• Sam : Good work, Max. We now have more wooly mammoth hair than we'll ever need, and we've learned an important lesson.

  Max : Yeah, the wooly mammoths died of embarrassment.

• Sam : So what kind of handicap does your average bigfoot have?

• Sam : Goodbye you nutsy, primitive, man-beast, you.

• Sam : I have this sudden craving for an umbrella drink.

  Evelyn Morrison : Evelyn Morrison's Jungle Inn has the greatest umbrella drinks in the world, with over two hundred and thirty-seven kinds of rum.

  Max : All in just ONE drink? Which way to the bar!

  Sam : Take it easy, Max; you don't even drink.

  Max : Oh, yeah. The toucan must've put words into my mouth.

• Sam : Cash never leave home without it

  Max : Yeah we may need it to bribe slippery government officials

• Max : Any more bright ideas?

  Sam : Let's start crying like babies.

• Max : I don't think that cute little robot wants to follow it's new programming, Sam.

  Sam : I don't recall giving it a cute little choice.

  [the robot goes off] 

  Sam : There it goes.

  Max : I'm ripe with anticipation.

  Sam : I thought I smelled something.

• Max : Sam, the dead animal heads are talking to me!

  Sam : You really should stop telling fibs about dead animals, Max.

  Max : But...

  Sam : Now, stop it. I'm admiring this portrait of John Muir.

• Sam : [Looking at a diorama of the JFK assassination at the Celebrity Vegetable Museum, in Texas]  What detail!

  Max : See the carrot leaning out of the book depository?

  Sam : Never mind that. How about the string beans behind the fence on the grassy knoll?

• Sam : I love all your movies, especially the early funny ones.

  Fisherman : Whaddaya talkin' about?

  Sam : Sorry, I must've confused you with someone else.

• Sam : Weird.

  Max : Creepy!