Will & Grace (1998–2020)
Eric McCormack: Will Truman
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Quotes
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Will : No, no. I don't want to have sex with you.
Jack : Oh, Will that wasn't sex. Okay, how do I explain this? Okay, when a man and a man love each other very much...
Will : No, no... Psychic Sue said I was going to spend the rest of my life with a guy named Jack.
Jack : Jack who?
Will : Jack you.
Jack : Jack me?
Will : No thanks.
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Jack : I fooled around with Josh.
Grace : What?
Jack : Remember when I told you that there was something about Josh that I couldn't put my finger on? Well, I put my finger in it.
Will : There was a saying on the island. Mana Na Kalaka. Kana Makalui.
Grace : What does that mean?
Will : I don't know. I just can't believe you ended up with another gay guy.
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[Will is trying to convince Karen not to fire her pastry chef, whom he has the hots for]
Will : He's a genius. He's an artist. You wouldn't fire Picasso, would you?
Karen : I would, and I did! He put both my breasts on the same side of my body. I wouldn't take that from my plastic surgeon, and I wouldn't take it from him!
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Will : Ben Doucette, Karen Walker.
Ben Doucette : I know Mrs. Walker.
Karen : Oh, yeah... I remember you. Stan and I met you at the Whitney opening. You were the bartender. Yeah.
Ben Doucette : No, you just gave me your drink order.
Karen : Yeah... and I'm still waiting for it.
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Grace : The only reason you were offered a job, is so that he can slither out of the lawsuit.
Will : Of course. That ruthless bastard offered me a 5-year contract, paid vacation, a huge signing bonus, all to make a dispute over slipcovers go away. How could I have been so blind.
Grace : Why do your people always go to sarcasm first?
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[Val is making obscene positions in the elevator]
Will : Val? What are you doing?
Val : Oh, nothing, just a liitle something to the security camera. A liitle gift for the boys in the basement.
Jack : Shut up, I do the same thing.
Will : I hate to disappoint you both, bu that's not a security camera, that's a smoke detector.
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[Will is coming out to his boyfriend's boss, who had thought they were brothers. Earlier, Will and Stan changed Stan's will without telling Karen and made it so 1/3 of his money would go to charity]
Will : But make no mistake about it, Harry. I am a gay man. I sleep with men. I have no desire to sleep with women... Not now, not ever.
Karen : [entering] You screwed me, Will Truman!
Will : What?
Karen : Oh, don't you play dumb with me. Oh, you stuck it to me but good.
Will : Karen...
Karen : And he is just so comfortable giving it away, aren't ya? Wow. Single mothers. Homeless women. Sally Struthers? You make me sick! I got news for you people, I'm gonna get him in a room, and I am gonna work that little will until I'm satisfied.
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[after hearing from a psychic they will spend the rest of their lives together Will and Jack are setting ground rules]
Will : Sex is out of the question. I don't even like seeing your head poke through your sweater.
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Will : Grace, go to bed. You obviously have had a very busy day of crazy.
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Will : You want to go out tonight? We could grab an Italian. And then go for dinner afterwards.
[laughs]
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Will : I have got, pants down, the best birthday present ever.
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[Will and Grace are dancing on the roof of a building just before her wedding]
Will : Don't tell Leo that I had the first dance.
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Grace : Will, I'm serious. I haven't made any of the major decisions. I mean, who will I give my things to? What will happen to my business? Where will I be buried?
Will : Well, your business will go under. Your things are my things, so I'll just take them back. And I always figured I'd have you stuffed, and keep you by the front door to prop up umbrellas.
Grace : I wanna do a will.
Will : Yeah, well, get in line behind all the other ladies!
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[Will has quit his job and now wants to be a writer; they are now at a party]
Will : Oh, Rosario, I - look, I'm doing some writing on social injustice, you know, the battle between the classes?
Rosario : You want to interview me?
Will : No, no, I just want to jot something down. Could you hold my glass?
Rosario : [mad] Sleep with your lights on, white devil. Your time is coming.
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Will : [in commercial voice] How do you stop unwanted homosexuals from invading YOUR office?
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Will : Okay, final tally is: Me - DE DEEDLE DE DE DE! You - WAH WAH WAAAAAAH!
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Ben Doucette : You have till Friday, Will.
Will : Friday... Like in Friday?
Ben Doucette : No, Friday like in Thursday, but I'll give you till Friday.
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Will : No one can stand playing with you. You're bad, you get taco sauce all over the cards, and at this point you're down so much, you're paying people in turquoise jewelry. And except for Larry, none of us want it.
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Will : That's why I should never meet a legend. It's always disappointing, like the time I met Big Bird at the Ice Capades. Not so big.
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Will : Jack, just pour the milk. It's cereal, not dynamite.
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Will : Grace, you are in no way to blame for your sisters metabolism. Or her epic ass.
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Will : If I was going to have sex with a woman it'd be Hillary Swank... or Tobey Maguire.
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Will : "Pansexual"? Isn't that a rest stop on the road to "homo"?
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Will : Jack, we're going to slap such a lawsuit on her she won't know what hit her... or I could just pants you in public. I'm gonnna go with that.
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Will : Oh, I can't believe this. This is only the most important thing we've done together and you flake out on me. I don't know why that's surprising, you're a flake.
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Grace : All I asked for was one month, one month to see where this is going.
Will : Oh let me tell you where this is going. You'll end up hating him in three weeks because, I don't know, he has a weird chest hair pattern, or he doesn't like watching E... Or he'll end up hating you because you're too needy. Then you'll fall apart, I'll pick you up, and then magically, you'll be ready to have a baby.
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Will : The last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama
[Grace opens door to reveal Jack]
Jack : My wife is cheating on me, my life is ruined, Will help me!
Grace : Enter the drama queen, exit the neighbor.
[Grace exits]
Jack : Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener! I'm out on the street!
Will : That's shocking. Is there any way you can tell me about this without screeching like a howler monkey?
Jack : [extremely high pitched] You know what, I don't need you! I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy to help me through this! Goodbye!
[Long pause, neither moves]
Will : You don't even pretend to leave anymore, do you?
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Ben Doucette : Yes you will.
Will : No I won't.
Ben Doucette : Yes you will.
Will : No I won't.
Ben Doucette : You know, it's a little ironic. Thirty years of legal experience between us, and this is how we argue. And yes you will.
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[Playing poker]
Will : Don't you know that a Queen always beats a Straight?
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Will : Jack, I'm asking you to be my kid's godfather. Or rather, his fairy godfather.
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Alex : [on the phone] Come on Will, tell the truth, you're actually a married man with wife and kids with no intention to ever see me again.
Will : Nothing could be more far away from the truth.
Grace : [entering and yelling] Good Morning sweety. Oh my God, is that bacon? I love you, I love you, I love you.
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[Will goes to see a psychic]
Psychic Sue : I see a man in your life. You're going to spend the rest of your life with this man.
Will : Ok, ok, tell me more.
Psychic Sue : His name starts with a "J". Like Jake... no Jack.
[Will looks sick]
Psychic Sue : Do you know anyone named Jack?
Will : [looks ready to cry] No...
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[after someone asks Will what his name is]
Will : I'm Truman. Will Truman. And I really didn't mean to say that in a Bond. James Bond kind of way.
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Will : When you saw Kevin Spacey you tried to get back those nine bucks you paid for "K-Pax". I believe your exact words were: "hey Spacey, pay it forward."
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[a year after his coming out, to Jack]
Will : You've been like a sherpa through the Himalyas of... him-a-laying.
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Grace : OK, this has been driving me crazy, and I can't keep it in any longer. There's something I really need to tell you. I have been dating your shrink.
Will : [in unison with Grace] Dating my shrink.
Grace : How did you know?
Will : Well, let's just say he's used my sessions to figure out a way to get into Graceland.
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[Leo has to tell everyone to go home]
Dr. Leo Markus : Okay, everyone... look, you're not gonna like what you're about to hear...
[Grace comes in, singing]
Will : Well, to be fair, he DID say we weren't gonna like what we were about to hear.
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[Val has stolen Grace's music box, which plays "Hava Nagila", and claimed it is hers]
Will : How long have you had it?
Val : Oh, for, like, forever.
Will : Oh, what's it play?
Val : This old Irish song that I love.
Will : Sweet. Can I hear it?
Val : Sure.
[opens the music box, singing along]
Val : Gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, my Irish eyes...
Grace : [shrieking] It's 'Hava Nagila'! It's not an Irish song! It's an ancient Hebrew song about... something Jewish!
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Grace : Who's Diane?
Jack : Oh, Diane is the woman Will slept with after he broke up with you. You knew about that. You told her.
[Grace looks hurt]
Jack : You didn't know about that? You didn't tell her?
[Grace gets up and walks out]
Will : Wait, Grace. Jack, when we get home I am going to rip your heart out through your foot.
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[On Karen in divorce court]
Will : It's been a difficult day... watching Joan Crawford address Pepsi-Co...
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[Will is telling Grace about his sexual encounter with a woman after he dumped Grace]
Will : Grace, I just wanted to see for sure. It was really bad.
Grace : Well, why couldn't it have been bad with me?
Will : Because I love you. I had to do it with someone I didn't love. And I love you. I couldn't do that to you.
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Will : Ahh Jack. Cute as a button, but not quite as smart.
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Karen : Wilma, I forget, which are you these days, gay or straight? Wait, wait! I'll do a little test. There's a penis and a vagina in a tent and it's on fire. Which one do you save?
Will : Why are they in a tent?
Karen : Oh, Will! I'm trying to do you a favor. I want to hook you up with my cousin Barry!
Jack : What? Why him? He's hideous!
Jack : [to Will:] No you're not.
Jack : [to Karen:] He's revolting!
Jack : [to Will:] That's not true.
Jack : [to Karen:] He's disgusting!
Karen : Oh, and when you meet him, where something tight. You've got good stuff in there.
Will : What am I, a sausage?
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Karen : How about a toast...
Karen , Jack : To Will and Grace's baby.
Will : I can't believe you told her.
Grace : I can't believe you told him.
Will : He doesn't count, he never listens.
Grace : She doesn't count, she's always buzzed.
Karen : Hey, hey, hey. Hey, c'mon now... where are we?
Jack : ...I'm sorry, what?
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Will : You don't take relationship advice from Karen. You get advice on, I don't know, what wine goes with mood stabilizers.
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Will : It's so weird how your eggs have an expiration date. They're just like... eggs.
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[about Karen]
Will : She's got a drink in each hand, and probably one in her purse. And she's got me.
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Will : Karen once told me that Christmas celebrates the birth of our Lord Cartier.
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[Why Paul is dating Will instead of Jack]
Will : Maybe because I read novels rather than Tiger Beat. Maybe because I can finish a sentence without the use of jazz hands. Maybe because my frame of reference extends beyond boy bands and butt-robics, or maybe, just perhaps, it's because he sees a good long-term prospect with me rather than a good hour and a half with you.
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Will : [to Jack] Oh my God, it's finally happened. You've gotten so gay that you looped around to straight again.
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Will : Karen, I am a lawyer, which means, unlike you, I actually *passed* a bar.
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Will : [on Grace] She's crazy. And just when you think you've reached the bottom of her craziness, there's a crazy underground garage.
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[Will and Jack are in the car and Will does "the soccer mom arm save"]
Will : I just don't think I'm cut out to be a dad.
Jack : What are you talking about? You just did the soccer mom arm save.
Will : So?
Jack : So, you have the instinct.
Will : That wasn't the instinct of a dad, that was the instinct of a person who didn't take out insurance on his passenger.
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[after getting off the phone with Grace after telling her that he kissed another woman]
Leo : She said she never wants to see me again.
Will : Oh, well, I'll talk to her, don't worry, she'll come around.
Leo : Uh, there's more that I didn't tell you. The woman I kissed, well, I didn't just kiss her. I slept with her. But you're still going to talk to Grace for me, right?
Will : Uh, no. Now you're on your own.
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Will : [about Jack] A man who stared humiliation in the face and said: Don't I know you?
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Will : Of course I understand the gravity of the situation, otherwise, could my pants do this?
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Will : Where's all the Chinese food?
Grace : Oh, I opened it up and started to eat it and then I noticed a hair in it. So I called the restaurant to complain and they were like "Well, how do you know its not your hair?" and I said "Well, I know what my hair tastes like." Anyway, I got so disgusted, I threw it all out.
Will : You ate all of it, didn't you?
Grace : Yes, I did.
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[Will's date has just called to say he's running late]
Jack : Will, have you totally forgotten how to speak our language? 'Running late' is gay for 'I'm blowing you off.'
Will : Really. What's gay for 'get out'?
Jack : That would be 'good morning.'
[pause]
Will : [at the same time as Jack] Good morning, Jack.
[Jack leaves]
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[Jack and Will are shopping]
Jack : Will, I found it. The single CD shower companion.
[high-pitched]
Jack : 'Cause you can never have too many companions in the shower!
Will : Jack. Isn't that why your membership to the 'Y' was revoked?
[they see Leo at the counter]
Jack : Ooh, check out the man-cake at the counter.
Will : I know that guy. That's that horse guy.
Jack : Ooh, me likes the sound of that! Come on, intro-seduce me.
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Marilyn Truman : Oh, you've got my favourite movie, Splendor in the Grass!-pause- What? Well, that's careless, they left off the G and the R.
[shrugs]
Marilyn Truman : Shall I pop it in?
Will : Ironically, that's the first line of the movie.
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Kevin Bacon : When the stalkers leave, it's the first sign that your career is slipping. Little tidbit I picked up from Val Kilmer.
Will : Wait, you did a movie with Val Kilmer?
Kevin Bacon : No, but Val was in "Top Gun" with Tom Cruise and Tom was in "A Few Good Men" with me.
[pause]
Kevin Bacon : Huh, that was a short one.
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Grace : It just creeps me out. Like anything that ends with "mini-teeth" or "mini-hair".
Will : Here we go...
Grace : On the Discovery Channel, there was this guy with a tumor that had mini-teeth and mini-hair, and when they poked it, it said "Ow"!
Will : It did not say "Ow".
Grace : Well, if it had mini-lips, it would have.
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[talking to Grace about a bad experience with a psychic]
Will : I mean, who calls themselves "Psychic Sue"? It's like me calling myself "Lawyer Will" or you calling yourself "Designer Grace" or Jack calling himself "Jumping Ferret Jack."
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Will : C3PO isn't Gay, he's British!
