- [all the Brady kids and Alice are tied together by a staircase from Roy Martin, who left and kidnapped mom, they all think in their heads]
- Bobby Brady: If I had been a better detective, I would've been on Mr. Martin sooner. This is all my fault.
- Cindy Brady: If I wasn't too busy looking for my doll, I would've seen something suspicious. This is all my fault.
- Kitty: I bet he wouldn't have tied me up if I was Barbie. This is all my fault.
- Peter Brady: What a dumb-head I am. I guess Roy was not much of a hero after all. This is all my fault.
- Alice: I must've not put enough mushrooms in his spaghetti sauce. This is all my fault.
- Greg Brady: Marcia looks great in those ropes... Wait a minute, what am I saying? This is all my fault!
- Jan Brady: It was wrong to make up George Glass. This is all my fault!
- Marcia: This is all Jan's fault.
- Jan Brady: His name is George.
- Marcia Brady: George what?
- Jan Brady: George, uhhh Tropicana!
- Carol Brady: What a nice name. Is he Cuban?
- Jan Brady: No i mean... Glass. George Glass
- Marcia Brady: That's funny. I've never heard of a George Glass at our school.
- Jan Brady: That's because he's a transfer student. He came in the last week of school. He's really good looking and he thinks I'm super cool.
- Marcia Brady: Sure, Jan.
- Flight Attendant: [to the Brady kids doing a song, intercom] May I have your attention, please. Would those of you dancing and singing in the aisles, please sit down and shut up!
- [everyone on the plane applauds]
- Mike Brady: A gift is only a good thing when the giver has given thought to that gift. But when the gift the giver gives gives grief, then that gift should give the givee regrets.
- Marcia: He even wrote something in my yearbook in French! "Menage A Trois." I bet that means "You're the most."
- [stepping out of the refrigerator]
- Alice: How about that! The light really does go off when you close the door!
- Marcia: [brushing her hair and counting] One, two, three, four.
- [noticing Greg undressing through the curtain]
- Marcia: Four, four, four.
- Greg Brady: Marcia?
- Marcia: [seductively] Yes, Greg?
- [normal voice]
- Marcia: I mean, what?
- Greg Brady: If Roy really is Mom's husband, then does that mean.
- Marcia: We're not brother and sister?
- Roy Martin: [wolfing down Alice's spaghetti] Alice, what kind of mushrooms did you put in this sauce?
- Alice: Just the ones you had in your room. I thought you might like them.
- Roy Martin: [laughing] Oh! Some of my mushrooms.
- [Stops laughing]
- Roy Martin: Uh-oh!
- Alice: And they smell pretty tasty.
- [Exits]
- Roy Martin: My room? My mushrooms? Oh no!
- [the song 'Good Morning Starshine' starts playing]
- Carol Brady: Roy, is something wrong?
- [Per Roy's hallucination, the flowers on Carol's blouse start dancing around]
- Carol Brady: Roy, is something wrong?
- Roy Martin: Whoa!
- [Carol looks confused]
- Roy Martin: Oh my god! I'm tripping with the Bradys!
- Marcia: Get with the times, Greg. There's a new thing called Women's Lib. It means women get what they want.
- Marcia Brady: I'm so happy for you, Jan.
- Jan Brady: Really, Marcia?
- Marcia Brady: No.
- [Jan looks disappointed]
- Marcia Brady: Jan, of course I am!
- [Talking about the music he likes]
- Warren Mulaney: Well, I'm really into hip hop.
- Marcia: Hip hop? Sounds like something a rabbit listens to.
- Mike Brady: Us Bradys have to stick together, or we'll fall apart. Much like that house of cards. You see, a deck consists of 52 cards, and if the hearts didn't work with the diamonds and the spades with the clubs, then how the heck would we ever play a game of Gin Rummy? So, in keeping with the spirit of togetherness, I'm sure you kids know the right thing to do.
- Mike Brady: You seem to be having quite an effect on Peter, Roy.
- Roy Martin: Well, it's like I always say: "Veni, Vidi, Vici. I came, I saw, I conquered".
- Mike Brady: Well, like I always say: "Caveat Emptor".
- Roy Martin: Doesn't that mean "Buyer Beware"?
- Mike Brady: Yes yes it does.
- Peter Brady: Dad, I think I hit him in the head with these. I'm sorry, Mr. Phillips.
- Mike Brady: Peter, drumsticks are not toys.
- Peter Brady: Oh, they're not drumsticks, Dad. They're weapons.
- Mike Brady: Well, weapons are not toys either, Peter.
- Marcia: [driving down a road in Hawaii] You know what's gross? Guys that don't wear bellbottoms. Yecch
- Mike Brady: Roy, I have something I'd like to discuss with you
- Roy: Is it about where I shop?
- Mike Brady: No, but now that you mention it, I have that same suit in brown and green.
- Roy: I know. You're wearing it.
- Mike Brady: Ah. So I am.
- [after Carol has fainted]
- Mike Brady, Roy Martin: Honey, are you all right?
- [they stare at each other]
- Carol Brady: [not surprised] I'm all right.
- Bobby Brady: Hey Alice, is there anything you want me to find for you?
- Alice: Yeah, how about my girlish figure? I haven't seen that in about 20 years.
- Carol Brady, Mike Brady: [laughing] Oh Alice.
- Roy Martin: And the youngest, Sandy.
- Cindy: [lisping] Cindy.
- Roy Martin: Thindy? Honey, Daddy had amnesia, but now, Daddy's back.
- Mike Brady: I hate to break it to you, Mr. Martin, but Daddy is already here.
- Roy Martin: You're absolutely right, Mark.
- Carol Brady: Oh, Mike... what are we gonna do?
- Mike Brady: Well, I know it seems complicated but... it won't be long before I've got a firm grasp on the situation.
- Carol Brady: There's something *I'd* like to get a firm grasp on, Mr. Brady.