- Mr. Croup: Were I you, I would no longer worry about the young lady. Her days are numbered, and the number in question isn't even in double digits.
- The Marquis De Carabas: I thought it was just a legend, like the alligators in the sewers of New York.
- Old Bailey: What, the big white ones? Oh, they're down there. I had a friend who lost a head to one of them. He's all right, he had another one.
- Door: The Marquis de Carabas is a little bit dodgy in the same way that rats are a little bit covered in fur.
- Mr. Croup: What do you want?
- The Marquis De Carabas: What does anybody want?
- Mr. Vandemaar: Dead things... extra teeth...
- Anasthesia: Do you like cat?
- Richard Oliver Mayhew: Yes, I quite like cats.
- Anasthesia: Leg or Breast?
- [Answering the phone]
- Mr. Croup: Croup and Vandemar, the Old Firm, obstacles obliterated, nuisances eradicated, bothersome limbs removed and tutelary dentistry undertaken.
- Mr. Croup: You're completely off your head.
- Mr. Vandemaar: Say the word, Mister Croup, and it'll be off his shoulders before you can say Jack Ketch.
- Old Bailey: What's it like? Being dead?
- The Marquis De Carabas: Live long enough and you'll find out. It's very cold, my friend. And very dark. And very cold.
- Richard Oliver Mayhew: What kind of meat is it?
- 'Floating Market' Food Vendor: Crow.
- Richard Oliver Mayhew: I'll take three vegetable curries then.
- The Abbott of the Black Friars: [Serenely] You are all very stupid people and you don't understand anything.
- Mr. Croup: I am Mr Croup, and this is my Brother Mr Vandemaar.
- Richard Oliver Mayhew: Brother? Shouldn't you have the same name?
- Mr. Croup: What a brain, Mr Vandemaar! Keen and incisive. Some of us are so sharp, we could cut ourselves!
- Mr. Croup: She must be losing a lot of blood, Mr Vandemaar.
- Mr. Vandemaar: Lovely blood, Mr Croup, lovely wet blood.
- Mr. Croup: Won't be long now.
- Mr. Croup: [standing in the sewer] With Cities as with People, Mr Vandemar, the condition of the Bowels is very important.
- The Marquis De Carabas: Do you keep your life hidden somewhere?
- Hunter: I'm a Hunter! We don't go in for that.
- Richard Oliver Mayhew: Excuse me, are you Mentally Ill?
- The Marquis De Carabas: I don't think that's likely, why?
- Richard Oliver Mayhew: One of us must be.
- The Marquis De Carabas: Don't look down.
- Richard Oliver Mayhew: AHH!
- The Marquis De Carabas: Someone wasn't listening, was he?
- Mr. Croup: "Varney's the best Bravo and Guard in London Below. Everyone knows that..."
- Mr. Vandemaar: It's not nice to Lie, Mr Croup.
- Mr. Croup: Really, we should look on it as a mercy killing.
- Hunter: I thought you were looking for Professionals, not competent amateurs.
- The Marquis De Carabas: They say Merlin's Master, Blaze, once knew a reel that could charm the coins out of the pockets of any man.
- Pedestrian 1: Why do people like that stay alive, Mummy?
- Pedestrian 2: Don't have the courage to end it all!
- Mr. Croup: [Tang Dynasty Figurine] Look at the Colour, the Sense of Proportion! It adds a little beauty and wonder to the World!
- [Bites it]
- Lamia: I need it more than he does!
- Mr. Vandemaar: [turns, and slices Richard's Phone Receiver Cables with a motion that is efficient, clearly routine and near-imperceptible in its swiftness]
- Mr Stockton: And so every day I would look up at this Angel, because it was Free! So tonight I dedicate this Exhibit, in the hope that it will inspire some other... penniless bugger... to Create his Own Media Empire!
- The Marquis De Carabas: Do you keep your Life hidden anywhere?
- Hunter: I'm a Hunter! We don't go in for that sort of thing.
- Mr. Croup: When you said you had no knowledge of the Young Lady's whereabouts, we have reason to believe you were Embroidering the Truth! More than just a little...
- Richard Oliver Mayhew: Yeah? Well you said you were her brother!
- Mr. Croup: All men are Brothers, Mr. Mayhew.
- Mr. Croup: We've never killed a Marquis before...
- Mr. Vandemaar: Yes we have. In York, in the XIV Century. In the rain.
- Mr. Croup: He wasn't a Marquis, he was the Earl of Exeter.
- Mr. Vandemaar: And Marquis of Westmorland.