Major Payne (1995)
Damon Wayans: Maj. Benson Payne
Photos
Quotes
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Major Payne : Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.
Alex Stone : Try it.
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Emily : [She and Tiger enter Major Payne's office] Apparently he had a little accident.
Major Payne : Apparently he pissed all over the front of his pants.
Emily : Well maybe that's because he's six.
Major Payne : Because he's six? Woman, when I was six years old I had a full time job.
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Major Payne : Maybe what he need is for you to pop your titty out his mouth and let the boy grow up.
Emily : Excuse me, what did you say?
Major Payne : I didn't stutter, I said pop-your-titty-out-his-mouth AND STOP BABYING HIM.
Emily : I don't call it babying, I call it nurturing.
Major Payne : And I call it neutering.
Emily : And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic, dictorial, ego maniacal, frigid lunatic ASSHOLE!
Major Payne : I ain't frigid.
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Major Payne : One! Don't you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don't you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I'll stomp you into the ground.
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Major Payne : If he's still in there he ain't happy!
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Major Payne : My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne! As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer!
[the cadets start booing. Payne shoots his firearm into the air several times. Every cadet snaps to it]
Major Payne : See now, what we have here is a failure to communicate. Do not attempt to challenge my authority! I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-disciplined cadet unit! From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me! You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose, or even dig in your butts without my say-so! Know this... killing is my business ladies, and business is good!
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Major Benson Winifred Payne : [Payne has just been informed that the USMC has run out of battles for him to fight, AND has passed him over for promotion to Lieutenant Colonel] General, are you telling me that nowhere in the military is there any longer a job for trained human weapons of destruction such as myself?
Gen. Decker : Most blood is now shed in the halls of Congress, Payne. Guys like us are becoming dinosaurs.
Major Benson Winifred Payne : General, surely there must be SOMEBODY left who needs some killing, or some killing done for them.
Gen. Decker : Sorry, Major. There's nobody left. You've killed them all.
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Major Payne : Maybe I like you.
Emily : Just like?
Major Payne : Maybe I like you a lot.
Emily : That's it?
Major Payne : Don't push the "maybes", baby.
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Woliger : Achoo!
Major Payne : What the hell was that you little freckle face cartoon? Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie?
Woliger : No, sir.
Major Payne : Then you hold it before I kick your ass back to Mayberry.
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Cadet Williams : You's a pure, genius! Who you? Redd Fox? No, better yet, Richard Pryor, ain't you? Hoo.
Major Payne : What's your name, girlfriend?
Cadet Williams : Dwight Williams, but the boys call me D, sir. You can call me D.
Major Payne : D, hmm?
Cadet Williams : Yeah, brother?
Major Payne : You like the way I handle these white boys, D?
Cadet Williams : Oh, yeah!
Major Payne : It make you feel good to see a black man runnin' things, huh?
Cadet Williams : Malcolm X.
Major Payne : Well, let me tell ya something, D.
Cadet Williams : Yeah, brother?
Major Payne : Why don't you come closer.
[shouting directly into Williams' ear]
Major Payne : I am not your damn brother! Now drop down, give me 20 squat thrusts now!
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[after a ruse to try and get rid of him, Major Payne forces the cadets to wear dresses and march with him]
Major Payne : Got no worry, got no stress!
Cadets : Got no worry, got no stress.
Major Payne : 'Cause we feel good in a dress.
Cadets : 'Cause we feel good in a dress.
Major Payne : Major Payne's a major diss.
Cadets : Major Payne's a major diss.
Major Payne : He makes us squat when we piss.
Cadets : He makes us squat when we piss.
Major Payne : Got no worries, got no care.
Cadets : Got no worries, got no care.
Major Payne : I'm just a bald headed son of a bitch without hair.
Cadets : I'm just a bald headed son of a bitch without hair.
Major Payne : I tell ya, ladies, you're the prettiest cadets under my command. I oughta change my name to Pimp Daddy Payne.
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Guerilla Leader : You'd better give up, senor, you cannot kill us all.
Major Payne : Nope, but I can clean your colon quicker than one of them burrito with extra guacamole sauce!
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[Major Payne after noticing the big biker]
Major Payne : Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum. What beanstalk you fall from?
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Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn : [referring to all the other cadets, save Dotson] They won't let me go on a "Black Op," because I'm too little, and nobody ever lets you do anything when you're little.
Major Payne : Aw, phooey! Don't you ever read any of those stories about little people who do big things? Little Red Riding Hood! The Three Little Pigs! Spike Lee! The Little Rascals! How about the Little Engine That Could!
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Emily : He's trying to show you some affection.
Major Payne : I don't like it. It makes me feel all funny.
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Major Payne : What are you looking at, ass-eyes?
Cadet Bryan : Nothing, sir!
Major Payne : You plottin' on me, boy?
Cadet Bryan : No, sir!
Major Payne : Well, let me tell you somethin', ass-eyes. Let me tell you all somethin'. War has made me very paranoid! And when a man gets to eyeballin' me, it makes my Agent Orange act up, and I get the urge to kill.
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Cadet Williams : Payne's not here, he's in our ass!
Cadets : Payne's not here, he's in our ass!
Cadet Williams : Butt's so tight he can't pass gas!
Cadets : Butt's so tight he can't pass gas!
Cadet Williams : Sound off!
Cadets : 1,2!
Cadet Williams : Sound off!
Cadets : 3,4!
Cadet Williams : Break it on down! Break it on down!
[Starts to dance until Major Payne comes behind him]
Major Payne : You like to rhyme, boy?
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Major Payne : Hello, little fella. What you had was a nightmare. You know what a nightmare is?
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn : [nods head]
Major Payne : Well, that's all this is. Now, you better run on up to your room before that man jump out the closet and chop your little head off!
[swings machete in front of Tiger's face]
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Major Payne : [the cadets are running an obstacle course in heavy rain] LET'S MOVE IT, YOU TURDS! You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis! That's where you'll find my sympathy! This ain't no walk in the park; let's move it! Hustle, hustle! HUSTLE!
[Woliger has just gotten out of the tube]
Major Payne : Hey, Dumbo! You should be able to fly through those tubes with them big-ass ears, boy!
Cadet Dotson : Yeah, Dumbo! Fly, baby, fly!
Major Payne : Hey, Williams! You tell Marlee Matlin's son if he don't get across that rope, I'm-a hang him with it.
Cadet Dotson : He'll hang you with it! Ha ha ha!
Major Payne : Heathcoat! You get your fat body over that wall!
Cadet Dotson : Get your fat pork chop body over that...
Major Payne : You shut up! Nobody's leaving here until the average for this squad is one minute, twenty seconds!
Cadet Alex Stone : Come on, he can't do it. Leave him alone. I can barely do it. It's slippery out here.
Major Payne : Slippery, he say! You think Charlie care anything about slippery? Only thing he knows is slit your throat. What if this was a life or death situation?
Cadet Alex Stone : But it's not a life or death situation.
Major Payne : [Takes out a grenade and pulls the pin out with his teeth] It is now!
[All the boys but Alex scream and run though the obstacle course]
Major Payne : One Mississippi! Two Mississippi!
Cadet Alex Stone : Come on guys. What, are you crazy? It's just a dummy grenade.
[Major Payne throws the grenade behind him at the trees and it explodes. Alex dives into the mud]
Cadet Alex Stone : Oh, damn. Oh!
Major Payne : Who's the dummy now?
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Major Payne : Heh, heh, heh!
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Major Payne : From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be BALD like me.
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Major Payne : I surprised you ain't dropped 'bout 12 puppies by now. Ain't you never been married?
Emily : Yeah, I was.
Major Payne : What happened? You terminate his command?
Emily : No, actually he left. I wanted children, he didn't.
Major Payne : Any man that'd leave you outta be monkey-stomped and have his brains mailed back to his mother.
Emily : Well, thank you Benson. How about you? Was there ever a Ms. Payne?
Major Payne : Negative. I figure if the Marines wanted me to have a wife, they'd of issued me one.
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Major Payne : [imitating Porky Pig] W-w-what are you laughing at, pig-boy? You find a piece of candy in your pocket?
Heathcoat : No sir!
Major Payne : What's your name, Tubby?
Heathcoat : Heathcoat, sir!
Major Payne : Heathcoat. You know, you remind me of the doughboy. If I poke your stomach, will it make you go oh-hoh-hoh-hoh! You know what, I'm gonna help you make room for lunch, bacon-boy. Drop down, give me 30 sit-ups right now! Let's go! Count 'em out. Let me see that belly roll!
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Major Payne : [repeated line during the story he tells Tiger Dunn] Chooga chooga chooga chooga, chooga chooga chooga chooga... toot toot!
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Maj. Benson Payne : [sees Tiger peeking his head into the office] What do you want, Mr. Pee-Body?
Emily Walburn : [as Tiger walks up to her] He's a little upset about this morning. Apparently, he had a little accident.
Maj. Benson Payne : Apparently, he pissed all over the front of his pants.
Emily Walburn : Well, maybe that's because he's six.
Maj. Benson Payne : Maybe cause he six? Woman, when I was six years old I had a full time job.
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Major Payne : [Notices Fox isn't responding like the other cadets] And what is your damage, muscle-head? You stupid? You ignorant? Or you just plain ol' deaf?
Woliger : Yes, sir. Actually, he is deaf.
Major Payne : Oh. Thank you. Now drop down, give me 25 more for speakin' out of line!
[Turns back to Fox]
Major Payne : I'm sorry Mr. Handicap Man. I didn't mean to offend you. Do you speak sign language?
[Fox nods]
Major Payne : Can you read lips?
[Fox nods again]
Major Payne : Let me break it down. If you don't answer me when I speak to you, I'm gonna put my foot in your ass! Is that clear, dummy?
Cadet Fox : Sir, yes sir!
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[Major Payne has shaved the children bald]
Emily : Major Payne, can you please help me to understand why you shaved the children bald?
Major Payne : Oh, that's my little incentive program. These boys have to earn their do... their hair-do that is. Heh,Heh,Heh.
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Cadet Alex Stone : What about family and unity and all that other bullshit you said?
Major Benson Winifred Payne : I never said family don't break up. Don't you watch Oprah?
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Major Payne : Ain't no need for name-callin'!
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Major Payne : [finishing the story to Tiger Dunn] To be continued... When I come back, I'll tell you what Bubba used as a penis!
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Major Payne : You're still a shit sandwich. You're just not a soggy one. From this moment, you are no longer turds. You have graduated to maggots!
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Major Payne : You eye me one more time I'll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoat's cookie bag!
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Major Payne : Hello cue balls! Welcome to the house of Payne!
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Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn : I have to go to the bathroom!
Major Payne : You hold it, turd!
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn : I can't!
Major Payne : I said hold it, or I'll break that off and kick it around on the ground!
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn : [Later] Major Payne!
Major Payne : What, boy? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
Kevin 'Tiger' Dunn : I did something bad.
[Shows that he wet himself]
Major Payne : You nasty little worm. Go change your Huggies boy, and be back here pronto! Stop that cryin'! You'll get no pity from me. You think tears'll stop Charlie from takin' his bayonet and stickin' it in your little tiny heart?
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Emily : Major! What are the boys doing in those dresses?
Major Benson Winifred Payne : They puttin' on a fashion show.
Emily : I thought we had a little talk about this kind of negative reinforcement. Weren't you going to be my big helper?
Major Benson Winifred Payne : Yeah, but they started it.
Emily : Well, I'm stopping it.
[Reaches for Payne's whistle]
Major Benson Winifred Payne : Don't touch my whistle.
Emily : But I was just gonna...
Major Benson Winifred Payne : Don't touch the whistle.
[Blows the whistle]
Major Benson Winifred Payne : All right, ladies. Take off those dresses. Head back to your barracks. Fold 'em up neatly. Let's move it.
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Major Payne : Tomorrow ladies, we gonna' start the hard stuff.
Heathcoat : The *hard* stuff?
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Major Payne : ...SOMEBODY'S gonna answer for this blood from my lip! I WANT NAMES! I wanna know who's responsible! Don't everybody speak up at once...! I guess NOBODY'S responsible! I guess I just had that one coming! Well, guess what ya'll got coming! Seven 23-hour days full of FUN AND ADVENTURE! I'm gonna make you boys STRONG!
[the cadets look as if they might cry, then Stone comes forward]
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Emily : Here. I want you to read this book. Read it. Apply it.
Major Payne : The ABC's Of Being A Positive Male Role Model?
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Dr. Phillips : You're in charge of the green boys
Major Payne : Come again?
Dr. Phillips : The green boys... they wear those green 'tings. You know what's funny, when they stand in front of the bushes... I can't see them!
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Major Benson Winifred Payne : Be advised, ladies, we are going to WIN the Virginia Military Games this year! You will note my emphasis on "WIN": Whisky! India! November! GET USED TO HEARING THAT WORD!
[and later, as he's introducing the cadets to their new, off-campus quarters]
Major Benson Winifred Payne : A squad that lives together, wins together! UNITY, turds: that is the key word in UNIT, without the "Y!"
