- Buffy: All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. Now it may not sound too great to a sconehead like you, but I think it's swell. And you come along and tell me I'm a member of the hairy mole club so you can *throw* things at me?
- Buffy: [to weird stranger Merrick] Does Elvis talk to you? Does he tell you to do things? Do you see spots?
- Cheerleaders: How funky is your chicken? How funky is your chicken? How loose is your goose? Our goose is totally loose! So come on all you Hog fans, so come on all you Hog fans and shake your caboose, and shake your caboose! WHoooO!
- Buffy: I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm in a graveyard with a strange man hunting for vampires on a *school night*.
- Buffy: Merrick, you made a joke. Are you okay? Do you want to lie down? I know it hurts the first time
- Gary: [Thinking Buffy is doing drugs] Hey, there's nothing to be afraid of! I know where you're coming from. Believe me. I'll tell you the truth. I've had my drug experiences, too. I did a lot - I did some acid in the Sixties. Well, the late Seventies, actually. It was at a Doobie Brother's concert... and I could see the music flowing into me, it was bright red and electric, and I felt like a big toaster, and I thought, maybe I am a toaster, we're all molecules, and my friend Melissa, her head looked like a big party balloon, and that scared me, I started to freak out...
- Kimberly: Buffy? What's your sitch? You're acting like the thing from another tax bracket. It's too weird.
- Buffy: Listen, a lot's been going on you guys, okay? And I really wanted to talk to you guys about it. See, um, a couple of weeks ago, I met this guy-...
- Kimberly: Oh my god, you're having an affair?
- Nicole: Cool!
- Jennifer: Does Jeffrey know?
- Buffy: It's not about that. He's, like, old. He's fifty.
- Kimberly, Nicole, Jennifer: Ewwwww!
- Jennifer: Gross!
- Buffy: Haven't you guys noticed what's been going on here? The strange things? Have you noticed people disappearing, turning up dead?
- Nicole: What are you talking about?
- Kimberly: Weird? You mean like hanging around with that homeless Poke?
- Buffy: Pike.
- Nicole: [gasp] Eww, you're having an affair with him?
- Jennifer: He doesn't look fifty.
- Buffy: Guys, I think reality stepped out of here about five minutes ago.
- Zeph: Where the hell are you going?
- Pike: I'm leaving man, I'm bailing town. This place has gotten way too hairy.
- Zeph: Where the hell am I gonna find a mechanic stupid enough to work for my kind of money?
- Pike: Seen Benny lately?
- Zeph: No. Hey! What, you want me to give him a message?
- Pike: You should think about leaving too, man. Sell this place. There's something going on around here. I don't know, something really weird.
- Zeph: Hey, what do you want me to do if I see Benny?
- Pike: Run.
- Buffy: [Trying to come up with an issues-related theme for their school dance] The environment.
- Nicole: The homelesses?
- Kimberly: [to Nicole] Oh, please.
- Jennifer: Are there any good sicknesses that aren't too depressing?
- Buffy: Guys. The environment. I'm telling you, it's totally key. The earth is in terrible shape, we could all die, and besides, Sting's doing it.
- Merrick: And you're going to be able to use that to track them.
- Buffy: Great. My secret weapon is PMS. That's just terrific. Thanks for telling me.
- Merrick: It's not a weapon. It's an alert system.
- Buffy: Well, aren't we kung fu? I don't see you out there killing any vampires.
- Merrick: I play my part.
- Buffy: You can play with your part all you want, but it's my neck on the block.
- Coach: Okay, people, they're psyching you out. Let's not be so defensive out there, okay? Now what do we say on the court, repeat after me; I *am* a person, I have the right to the ball.
- [the Coach is having the last pep-talk with his team, pointing at a piece of paper with an infinity-sign, some male / female symbols and the eye inside the pyramid]
- Coach: Therefore, if we all work together, together it'll all work out. Are you with me? Now, get out there! All right! Score some, uh, points! Hey, you missed practice again today! I think you better sit down and think about how that made me feel.
- Buffy's Mom: Bye-bye, Bobby!
- Jeffrey: Bye!
- [to Buffy:]
- Jeffrey: She thinks my name is Bobby?
- Buffy: It's possible she thinks *my* name's Bobby.
- Buffy's Mom: [Buffy walks in late] Do you know what time it is?
- Buffy: Uh... around ten?
- Buffy's Mom: [looks at her watch] I *knew* this thing was slow. You pay a fortune for something...
- [shouts to Buffy's father]
- Buffy's Mom: Honey, come on, we're gonna be late!