The New Statesman (1987–1994)

Michael Troughton: Piers Fletcher-Dervish

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Alan's Mother has turned up, dressed as a tramp, and asking to live with him and Sarah] 

  Alan : Alright, Mother, you can stay. You can live with us till the day you die, or next Sunday, whichever's soonest.

  Alan's Mother : Did you hear that? Veiled threats, Sir Piers! I'm frightened to go home with him now, in case he murders me.

  Piers : Oh, surely not!

  Alan's Mother : He tried before, when he was seven.

  Alan : I told the police at the time, I left that roller skate at the top of the stairs by accident.

  Alan's Mother : What about the bath of acid at the bottom of the stairs?

• Piers : [to Sarah]  Alan's going to blow my brains out!

  Alan : I'm not that good a shot, Piers.

• Piers : Gosh, you're Victor Crosby? You were in my newspaper!

  Alan : Was he really, Piers? The last time I had something that white and flabby in my newspaper, it had just been fired in batter!

• [Piers is helping Alan's mother with the washing up] 

  Piers : Don't worry, Mrs B'stard, he *is* in the Royal Navy. He must be used to getting cream down his trousers.