Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)
J. Elvis Weinstein: Tom Servo, Dr. Laurence Erhardt, Gypsy, Servo, Beeper, Crow T. Robot, Russian Comedian
Photos
Quotes
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Tom Servo : That blast to the face kinda helped her diction.
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Dr. Forrester : Hello, Joely-boy-toy! Is it true what they say about space?
Joel : Uh, What's that, sir?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : That no one can hear you laugh!
[manically laughs]
Joel : Uh, Happy New Year, doctors?
Dr. Forrester : Don't "Happy New Year" me, you white-piece-of-trash-floating-in-the-vaccum-of-space. We just heard that the Russians have launched their own comedian into space and he is already pulling a four rating.
[cut to video footage]
Russian Comedian : [holds up hand] This is my friend, Bishi. Bishi, how are you? I am fine
[Chuckle]
Russian Comedian : How is your wife, Bishi? She is fine but her neck hurts
[Puts down hand, chuckles some more]
Russian Comedian : thank you so much...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : ...and he's a regular Gallager too! It's called "Very Incredible Movie Theater 4"!
Joel : Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester, would it be too much to ask if you could let me and my friends know when we'll be getting out of space?
Dr. Forrester : Sure, Joely-Poley. Were planning a show for you right now here on Earth !
Joel : Really?
Dr. Forrester : Yeah, booby. It's about... a guy and three robots and they're submerged deep in the Trans-Alantic trench, three miles under the ocean surface and we send him transmission after transmission of Jacques Custeau movies.
[evil laugh]
Crow T. Robot : What a couple of dick weeds!
Joel : Hey Crow, hush up! Listen... thanks but no thanks doc, we'll get used being out here in space for a little more time.
Tom Servo : Um, excuse me, uh, how long are you gonna keep going to send us those gosh darn Turtle movies?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Don't "Gosh darn" me, you little snack headed piece of tin foil!You'll keep watching Gamera movies
[Picks up a stack of tapes]
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : untill we get through all these ! ha ha ha ha ha!
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Tom Servo : Don't point that goat at me, it might go off.
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Tom Servo : Joel, if we ever get to be like these 'bots - please shut us down?
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Dr. Forrester : I don't want to talk about it
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : C'mon, Clay! You've been brooding ever since you got back from Vegas. You gotta tell me what happened! Listen Clay, I'm your friend. More than that, I'm your partner. And more than that, I'm your doctor. And if you don't tell me... Time for the physical!
Dr. Forrester : You're right, Larry. I don't know how I can keep this from you. Look in the briefcase.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, my God!
Dr. Forrester : Sacks and sacks of money. I won it playing Keno. Keno's my game! What can I tell you? I don't know. I tried everything to lose... I, I tried closing my eyes and making little X's on the paper. And everything I did worked. I'm charmed! What can I tell you?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : There are hundreds!
Dr. Forrester : I know. It's like that episode of Andy Griffith when Aunt Bea went to Las Vegas and put the chip down on the roulette wheel and kept on winning. And Larry, it gets worse... There's more in the car.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : In the Mad Scientist Mobile?
Dr. Forrester : No, the... the Austin.
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Joel : Hey sirs, what's up?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Our income if this new gig works out. Hehehe.
Dr. Forrester : Yes. Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : 'Cause frying and broiling takes out alot of the nutrients.
Dr. Forrester : Yes. Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't you try one of our burgers au naturale? It's uh, ripped from the bone to your plate in seconds. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn. Haha. Uh, make with the lyrics, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : [singing] If you're tired of the same old fare, you've got a friend in Clay and Lar. All our meat is guaranteed rare, 'cause we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester : You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : If you're tired of cookin' at home, try our meat right off the bone. If you listen, you can hear it moan, because we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester : Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, very fresh.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Now, there's no need for you to drive through. Our fresh meat will walk out to you. You'll say hi, you'll say moo. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.
Dr. Forrester : Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona.
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Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : [wearing "no d" glasses] Ahh, ahh. Aah, aah! These glasses are great! It looked like it was coming right at me!
Dr. Forrester : It was! I just threw it at you, you idiot!
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Joel : Hey, sirs. Boy, your signal's coming in kinda weak today.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Talk about weak, your ratings couldn't jump-start a Yugo!
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Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : ...this Clay.
Dr. Forrester : Shut up, Lar. This is an important experiment.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Let me up, it hurts!
Dr. Forrester : It's supposed to hurt. It's science!
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Dr. Forrester : I really think this is going to be it. This is my year!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You say that every year we go to the Mad Scientist Convention.
Dr. Forrester : Ah, but this year is different. They laughed when I made the more painful mouse-trap, but my entrance in the Mad Scientist competition is going to make me famous.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Infamous!
Dr. Forrester : Ah, that too! That too!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Okay, but promise me that if you lose this year your not going to blow up the whole convention center again!
Dr. Forrester : I only did that once!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh- humph!
Dr. Forrester : Ok, twice! Twice! It was twice!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : It was three times!
Dr. Forrester : The third time I used the incendiaries and it didn't actually make the building blow up, it just made it burn... really quickly. God, that was beautiful, wasn't it?
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Dr. Forrester : Here's our invention this week, Joelette. As you know, the old squirting joke flower has lost the ability to shock or surprise.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, we souped it up, though. We came up with a burning boutenire featuring the flame-flower Hahaha-hoo-hoo!
Dr. Forrester : I'd like to see anyone who isn't surprised by that, Joeline! Hahaha!
Joel : That is so hateful.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Thanks
Dr. Forrester : Thaaaaaannnnnk you.
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Dr. Forrester : Could we have sent a stranger person into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You think maybe he's had enough up there? I think he's snapped!
Dr. Forrester : By no means. Here, file this. Well, until next week, Jumpsuit Joelie!
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Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, here's our development! An entirely new concept in oral hygeine!
Dr. Forrester : Yes, we've employed some of Hollywood's top stars to help us with our new mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpastes.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Feel the cleaning power of the stars' internal juices as they go to work on plaque and tarter build-up in your mouth! Here's Jack Nicholson from "Witches of Eastwood"! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester : Mr. Clusoe from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life". Somebody get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : And Linda Blair with real head crunching action! Your mother flosses in hell! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester : What do you think Joelrini?
Joel : Well, I think four out of five dentists would recommend psycho-therapy for you two.
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Crow T. Robot : Oh, he must mean David More.
Tom Servo : No, he's on TV-4.
Crow T. Robot : No, that's More on 4.
Tom Servo : No, that's a black gospel singing group.
Crow T. Robot : No, that's More by 4.
Tom Servo : Isn't that an off road truck?
Tom Servo : No, that's a 4 by 4.
Crow T. Robot : No, your thinking of a 2 by 4.
Crow T. Robot : No, that's a TV term, you know, 2-4, good buddy.
Tom Servo : No, that's 10-4. No, that's a tax form you fill out.
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Joel : Oh great, that's about as funny as plastic doggy do.
Tom Servo : What's a "doggie do"?
Crow T. Robot : What's a doggie do? Well, sometimes they're in the street...
Joel : Cambot, can you put the number on the screen? Call us back if you have any messages, okay? Thanks a lot. Good night.
Crow T. Robot : ...fire hydrants, and sometimes they smell your crotch, and sometimes they stare at the wall, and sometimes they chase a stick or cars, or bark at the mailman, and chew your shoes, and scratch the door. And then sometimes their favorite toy gets stuck under the couch. I hate when that happens. Rrr! Rrr! But you can pretend, you can throw a stick, and they'll chase it. And cats won't do that, though. Cats are dumb. Cats will lick themselves, and...
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Crow T. Robot : Martin Landau, wasn't he on Mission:Impossible?
Tom Servo : Yes, and he married Barbara Bain.
Crow T. Robot : Like I said, Mission:Impossible.
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General : Don't shoot to kill.
Tom Servo : DON'T shoot to kill?
Crow T. Robot : Shoot to pick off, yeah that's the ticket.
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Crow T. Robot : There's always a boring shot.
Joel : Yeah.
Tom Servo : My shorts are never boring.
Joel : Thank you, Tom.
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Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Clay! Clay! I think I was spotted on the way down here!
Dr. Forrester : Did you wear your disguise?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I was wearing my disguise, but I'm just not good in heels!
Dr. Forrester : No-one must know we're down here doing this. Well, it's time to call Joel about the experiment anyway. Come in Joelie Poelie Puneit pie!
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Crow T. Robot : [seeing the Mads' invention] Oh, brother.
Tom Servo : That was pathetic.
Joel : Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize.
Tom Servo : Maybe for fiction!
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Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : [explaining how he went mad] And they promised me students, but all I got were monkeys! Monkeys! Monkeys! So I took off my wetsuit, dropped that hedge clipper, and walked out of that zoo forever!
Dr. Forrester : Well, you've created quite a little world for yourself, Larry...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Hey! Tell me how you went mad, now!
Dr. Forrester : Well, it was the Ice Capades and I was hot riveting my knee caps to Peggy Fleming's zamboni... or maybe it was... '56... Sun Valley. I was found behind the soft-serve machine, drooling over a picture of Dick Buttons... or perhaps Oslo... I was found drunk and woozy... scratching the name Paula Cranston into my thigh with a nail... You see, I...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Was that when you went mad?
Dr. Forrester : No, it's when I became a scientist.
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Tom Servo : Someone with a really big butt sat there
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Woman : But you're right, I probably read about it.
Tom Servo : In the script.
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Tom Servo : He's cleverly disguised as a Hershey's Kiss.
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Tom Servo : You have my word of honor that the story I have been telling is the truth... Okay, mixed with a little fiction... Alright, I'm lying my butt off...
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Edward : It's time I revealed something very serious...
Tom Servo : My underwear is a hundred years old.
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Tom Servo : Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?
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Tom Servo : No self-respecting scientist would have his shirt unbuttoned that far.
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Tom Servo : Hey mom, tell us about hell again.
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Joel : Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh, Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved!
Dr. Forrester : It's our grand re-opening! Welcome to Deep 13!
Joel : Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly radioactive!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Well, it hasn't affected our brain any.
Dr. Forrester : We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile.
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Tom Servo : Yes I do. Remember, little boy: if I can leave you with one birthday message, it is... Greet each day with a mighty roar. And always know what time it is. And wear Old Spice. Walk briskly to and from your job, and remember: neatness counts. Fill your head with candy. You are how you look. Me? I'm a gumball machine! I embrace that and my colleagues respect me for it. Heed this advice and maybe, just maybe, you'll grow up to be like me, Tom Servo.
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Tom Servo : You can look me in the bubble and say that?
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Tom Servo : He's going to fly into the commercial!
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Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Is it working for you?
Dr. Forrester : Shh! Oh, we're on. Did you see the ratings from last week's show? They went up!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Against the Super Bowl! I don't get it! The hot levels were out of this world, too. We've got to send him something really awful this week. What do you have?
Dr. Forrester : Well, I'd like to shake hands with the man who can think his way around this film. It's another Sandy Frank epic, this time from Chechylslovakia. Even Joelie's mother couldn't watch this thing.
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Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I'm telling you, Clay, it was brilliant. It sold millions. The "Paul is Dead" hoax was one of the greatest marketing schemes in history.
Dr. Forrester : And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues
Dr. Forrester : Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things. Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Brilliant!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral.
Dr. Forrester : Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Well done.
Dr. Forrester : Thank you.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair.
Dr. Forrester : Yeah.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead.
Dr. Forrester : Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it.
Dr. Forrester : Uh, I'm not buying that. I think that's reaching a little bit, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Okay, alright. It's for money. There's money involved here.
Dr. Forrester : Oh yeah, I understand. I think it's a good idea. Uh, oh. Here's one. I took the liberty of uh, retouching the cover of the Abbey Road album and uh, you can see I put Joel's head where Paul is, you know the whole barefoot cigarette thing.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : This is beautiful!
Dr. Forrester : Yup. Yeah, well.
Dr. Forrester : Well, thank you. I used to uh, do retouching work for The Enquirer.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Let's see what weasely's... Let's see what Joel... Joel! What do you think, pal?
Joel : Well, it'll probably work, but don't you think it'll make you feel bad inside?
Dr. Forrester : Feel bad inside? We always feel bad inside!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : We just write it off as gas.
Dr. Forrester : Yeah besides, we need to raise $20 million for our new theme park, Six Flags Over 10 to the 12th Power.
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Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : [singing] I think I'll file this thing for you As I always seem to do I like working for you Clay cuz you're a really neat guy
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Joel : Hey, Servo buddy. I'm glad you dropped by. You know why?
Tom Servo : Why?
Joel : 'Cause today, my friend, you go through puberty.
Tom Servo : Puberty? Does that mean I'm gonna start perspiring and growing hair in weird places?
Joel : No, it just means that I'm getting tired of your voice and it's time to change it, okay?
Tom Servo : Will it hurt?
Joel : Of course not.
Tom Servo : Oh, here it comes! Here it comes! Beep! Anything you say, Joel Hodgson, sir, master giver of all things good, gracious host and friendly neighbor, not a bad cartoonist, governor, leige, lord of all.
Joel : think I'm gonna change that algorithm to just "master of the known world" would be better.
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Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : We've gotta talk!
Dr. Forrester : I'm done talking. I'm all talked out. What's wrong with you, anyway?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I'll change!
Dr. Forrester : Well then, change, damn you!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I've changed.
Dr. Forrester : Not that quickly. It doesn't count.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You've gotta stop it. It doesn't make sense. You're killing us, Clay! We're not mad scientists, we're just angry.
Dr. Forrester : Forget it! It would cost too much to change the letterhead. My God, I... I wake up this morning and I've got a mad scientist for a partner. And now, you've turned into Florence Henderson!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, is that so wrong? We need a change! New outfits, a splash of color maybe!
Joel : Uh, sorry to interrupt, you two, but are we still doing this movie thing or what?
Dr. Forrester : How long have you been listening?
Joel : Well, since Thursday.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Thurs- My casserole!
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Crow T. Robot : That hand's not so tough! What's the worst thing he's gonna do to you? Pinch you?
Tom Servo : Yeah and how does he know to go after you? He's got no brain, and no leverage!
Joel : Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Tom Servo : Oh, we're just mocking this week's monster. Say, what's a hand gonna do to you?
Joel : Oh, there's a lot of thing a hand can do to you, if you stop and think about. Like, you're sleeping, he comes along takes his two fingers, sticks them up your nose, you sufficate. Stone dead.
Tom Servo : I hardly think that's possible.
Joel : Or he could sneak up behind you, and tap you, whiplash, you're dead.
Crow T. Robot : Oh, right.
