Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)

Michael J. Nelson: Mike Nelson, Observer, Torgo, Dr. Peanut, Hugh Beaumont, Buddy the Space Child, Glen Manning, Holo-clown, Jack Perkins, Michael Feinstein, Abe Vigoda, Aunt Catherine Wheel, Brad Roberts, Bruce, Custodian of the Seventh Galaxy from the Planet Ziffalodian, Deep 13 Computer, Eddie Nelson, Gamera, Goosio, Imperialistic Alien 1, Isaac Asimov Literary Doomsday Device, J.C., Jeff Smith, John Banner, Kenny, Larry Buchanan, Lembach, Mean Mike, Mega-Weapon, Morrissey, Mothra, Officer Mike, Sorri Andropoli, Steve Reeves, Toblerone, Tony Travis, Torgo the White, Valeria, Virtual Comedy Heckler, Winky

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Mike Nelson : [about a man who just had his arm ripped off]  And ironically he collapses into an arm chair

• Mike Nelson : The director boldly mixes tedium with un-scariness.

• Mike Nelson : I've never known more about what isn't happening in a movie.

• Mike Nelson : Apparently the story is none of our business.

• Mike Nelson : Please be careful, this will be boring.

• Mike Nelson : This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.

• Mike Nelson : There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo.

• [repeated line] 

  Mike Nelson : Cambot, give me rocket number nine.

• Mike Nelson : Get the holy drippings and make the sacred gravy.

• Mike Nelson : You know Ed Wood agonized over this scene.

  Crow T. Robot : And now we are.

• Mike Nelson : The town that's ALL outskirts.

• Mike Nelson : You know, this movie can be used to induce vomiting.

• Doomsday Satellite : Welcome! You have passed through the first three thresholds of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite! Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences. Remember, this and all literary works of the last century are the sole property of Isaac Asimov and his many affiliates. Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds.

  Crow T. Robot : Quick Joel, cut EVERY wire!

  Joel : It's not gonna work, it needs an access code.

  Tom Servo : Try ego!

  Crow T. Robot : Sideburns!

  Joel : I'll try "I, Robot."

  Doomsday Satellite : [buzz]  I'm sorry, the correct entry would have been "copyright" you now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences.

  Joel , Tom Servo , Crow T. Robot : [there is a cloud of smoke, when it clears Joel and the bots are babbling and have sideburns - they stop]  Huh?

  Joel : This cockamamie satellite's turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!

  Crow T. Robot : Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy?

  Tom Servo : Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups!

  Joel : This is TERRIBLE guys.

  Crow T. Robot : Oh, I don't know, at least now I'll have something to write about. You know, I've been thinking about annotating the Manhattan phone directory.

  Tom Servo : Oh, look, it's Commercial Sign. That'll fit nicely into my volume on the effects of advertising on the human psyche.

• Mike Nelson : All right, now watch how a MAN screams in horror.

• Mike Nelson : You know guys, the whole situation, being stuck up here in space, forced to watched cheesy movies, interacting with other life forms... it kinda bites.

  Crow T. Robot : You're starting to catch on, Kimosabe.

• Tom Servo : Hey, they threw Alanis Morissette in prison.

  Mike Nelson : Finally.

• Mike Nelson : The doctor dresses like an off-duty Denny's manager.

• Mike Nelson : You know, it's possible they're making an electric Santa Claus.

  Tom Servo : At this point, they could be doing anything.

• Mike Nelson : The movie that dares to graphically depict seeing peacocks and sometimes NOT seeing peacocks.

• Mike Nelson : So the first plot point involves knitting socks? I think we're in for quite a ride guys.

• Mike Nelson : The movie that takes the bold step of not including the audience.

• [reading credits] 

  Mike Nelson : Leon Leon?

  Crow : He had the laziest, most unimaginative parents in the WORLD.

• Crow : You know Mike, this Ryder guy's like you.

  Mike Nelson : Huh.

  Crow : No seriously, take away his personality and attractiveness to women and it's you.

  Mike Nelson : Oh, thank you...

• Mike Nelson : Ah. You clever bastard, so the editor is working with you.

• Mike Nelson : If you're done degrading the human race, could we get on with the movie?

• Mike Nelson : Hey, Hal, why don't you go on break?

• [two men are thrown into a wall that visibly shakes, revealing it's false] 

  Mike Nelson : The wall didn't bend, ignore that.

• [an image of a large man circles in the sky] 

  Mike Nelson : Really, REALLY Big Brother.

  Tom Servo : Someone turn off the fat rotating guy.

• Mike Nelson : When confronted by a werewolf, this is important, immediately leave your car and run out in the open.

• MC : Let's give a big hand for Mr. Don Snyder

  Mike Nelson : Don Snyder, that's his stage name. His real name's Dan Swanson.

• Drunk : You can't buy enough booze to make me go for you.

  Mike Nelson : But could you try?

• [after a dinosaur has been killed] 

  Mike Nelson : I came to warn you... an asteroid.

• [a character starts to strangle another character] 

  Mike Nelson : It's my incessent droning, isn't it?

• Mike Nelson : [singing]  I love tick infested hounds; slaughtering a deer; and beer.

• Mike Nelson : Ah, the bright promise of a disgusting new character!

• Mike Nelson : Ah, the bright promise of a disgusting new character.

• Mike Nelson : [the hero is stuck in a tree]  Oh, he's looking for honey, like Pooh.

  Crow : He's like poo alright.

  Tom Servo : Maybe it's Endor, hopefully he'll be ripped apart by Ewoks.

• Adam : He's not dead, I have these papers...

  Crow : Proving he's not dead!

  Adam : He's in a state of suspended animation.

  Mike Nelson : Santa came down from heaven and made him better!

• Mike Nelson : Look, just cos he's a mutated pile of goo doesn't mean he's dead!

• Mike Nelson : [reading the opening credits]  Oh dear. The size of the word 'presents' makes me think they're a little sheepish.

• Mike Nelson : [still reading credits]  Oh, Ray Dennis Steckler, that explains a LOT.

• Mike Nelson : [seeing a tree monster]  Man, his performance is so wooden.

• Crow : [we see a wrecked army base]  Oh no! They let Stan Laurel watch the hut!

  Tom Servo : Here we see the wreckage of the great snowball wars of ninteen fifty five.

  Mike Nelson : Snowballs are still outlawed by the Geneva convention

  Crow : You know, maybe the army shouldn't have recruited Keith Moon.

• Crow : Well Mike, that's just the difference between you and me.

  Mike Nelson : You hire deranged psychopaths as caterers and I don't?

  Crow : Exactly.

• Mike Nelson : Oh, hey Gyps'. What happened to the zucchini throw pillow things that Mrs. Forrester sent us?

  Gypsy : I put them in a safe place.

  Mike Nelson : Okay, and where's that?

  Gypsy : Some place where you would meet a horrible demise before laying your polluting fingers upon them.

  Tom Servo : So you put them in Mike's laundry basket?

• Bobo : Nelson, I see your point. You may be onto something. The Universe is in danger but don't you worry, no-siree Bob, I'm on the job. I'll stop these two wretched creatures and foil their little plan. I'll mmm-hmm-hmm-mmm.

  Mike Nelson : Well, again we're doomed.

• Adam : You think this is all there is to America? Apple pie and all that jazz?

  Crow : And hula-hoops and dungarees?

  Adam : Well it's my job to keep the apple on the table and no-one questions how I do it.

  Mike Nelson : I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.

• Mike Nelson : Now, you see, this is irresponsible. They're encouraging people to go out and drug Kathy Ireland.

• Mike Nelson : He enjoys pantaloons more than he should

• Mike Nelson : His suit is made of pressed oatmeal.

• Mike Nelson : Look, we've been married for 25 years, at least let me get to 2nd base.

• Mike Nelson : Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?

• Marge : Help.

  Mike Nelson : I need somebody.

  Marge : Help me.

  Mike Nelson : Not just anybody.

  Marge : HELP.

  Mike Nelson : You know I need someone.

• Narrator : They would be part of the second line of defence. To be used only if necessary.

  Mike Nelson : [immitating narrator]  Also known as "dessert".

• Mike Nelson : Apparently, hoping it would go away didn't work.

• Narrator : The monster next appeared in lovers lane.

  Mike Nelson : To a sellout crowd!

  Narrator : Those who survived its terrifying attack, would never return there again.

  Tom Servo : Those who did not survive said attack, also would not return there again.

• Mike Nelson : I wish I had the slightest idea of what the hell I was doing.

• Mike Nelson : What I'm about to say might sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse.

• Joe Moss : Coffee?

  Crow T. Robot : What is this "Coffee"?

  Joe Moss : I like coffee!

  Mike Nelson : And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.

• Mike Nelson : I've never driven with my blood alcohol under 2 before. It's really easy!

• Mike Nelson : Thank goodness for internal genitalia.

• Mike Nelson : I just want to remind you, this is a Northwest flight, so we'll be sitting in the tarmac for an hour, with no beverages, no air conditioning, and we're out of meals, and the flight attendants are overworked and abusive, and if you complain, we'll throw you off the flight.

• Crow T. Robot : He's like Jean Claude Van Damme.

  Mike Nelson : Actually he's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.

• Mike Nelson : I'm Sheriff Character Actor.

• Tom Servo : I'm sorry these two didn't end up together.

  Mike Nelson : They did.

  Tom Servo : Oh, then I'm sorry about that.

• Mike Nelson : I shouldn't have bought a ride for my living room.

• Mike Nelson : Hey, look, behind Longbone, there's Waldo!

• Mike Nelson : And with that cryptic comment, I'm going to bed.

• Mike Nelson : And remember that if you are bitten by a bat, you will convulse and turn into one, it is a scientific fact.

• Lord Vultiar : It seems...

  Mike Nelson : Chilly in here, could you turn down your guy?

• Mike Nelson : New Puffs Plus; with strontium-ninety.

• Mike Nelson : I'm sorry, clearly you're not a psychopath.

  Tom Servo : That's right! Now get out before my dog orders me to shoot the president!

• Mike Nelson : This movie is crediting the entire United States person-by-person!

• Mike Nelson : [a character is in a tree]  A separate piece... of *crap*!

• Mike Nelson : Some have described me as an ambulatory mound of suet.

• Mike Nelson : C'mon! Dead people know what's gonna happen here!

• Mike Nelson : We're goin' campin' and you're gonna watch.

• [reading the list of bands in a movie] 

  Mike Nelson : Oh, Deathmask! They played at my parents' anniversary party!

• Mike Nelson : [looking in book]  So these are the catch-phrases I can choose from?

  Crow : Yep. Oh, here's a good one! "Kiss off, slappy!"

  Mike Nelson : Nah, that's not really me. Oh, here's one that oughta get the kids going! "We're all out of toner!"

  [pause] 

  Mike Nelson : [slightly unsure]  Uh, "Don't run on my wet floor?"

  [pause] 

  Mike Nelson : [very unsure now]  "Secretary... please read off the m-minutes from... "

  Crow : Oh, geez...

  Tom Servo : Pathetic! Mike, knock it off!

  Mike Nelson : Oh, Pearl's calling!

  Tom Servo : I said, cut it out, Mike!

  Mike Nelson : No, see, she is! See?

  Tom Servo : Oh, yeah, sorry!

• Mike Nelson : So a scientist gets his information from a minimum wage park services guy?

• [a man is sleeping onscreen] 

  Mike Nelson : Hey guys, isn't it funny how life imitates art, and I'm like... sleeping right now, too.

• [as an ugly man dances onscreen] 

  Mike Nelson : Oh, I was trying to get through the movie without thinking about his hips, and now this!

• [repeated line] 

  Mike Nelson : We've got movie signs!

• Tom Servo : Hi, everyone, kind of a tough moment. We just tapped into earth's geneology records and discovered the cause of this simian holocaust. You see, virtually every single one of Mike's decendants married apes!

  Mike Nelson : Come on, all my grandkids?

  Crow : Yep.

  Mike Nelson : What about great grandchildren?

  Crow : Checking... yes! Francis Nelson married a macaque, otherwise they all married great apes.

  Tom Servo : You can see why he's upset folks.

  Crow : Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!

  Mike Nelson : Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!

  Crow : Oh it was quite unusual... hey hey hey hey, here's a Wilburt H. Nelson who married a Sara Thompson of Oak Park Illinois. Uh Ohhh... seems he kept an aye aye in an apartment downtown. Ha hoo hoo, this is not pretty stuff. Here's a W.D. Nelson who married eight times... silverbacked gorilla, one two and three, then he picked up a penchant for a bonobo and married those four times before wedding a japanese snow monkey on a day before...

  Mike Nelson : OK, OK Crow, I think everyones heard enough. I think we all get the point.

  Crow : Mike I think I speak for all of us when I say... GOOD ONE NELSON!

  Tom Servo : I'm locking up my sock monkey, I'll give you that much for free.

• Mike Nelson : It's fun when it's fun.

• Mike Nelson : Please do not surcumb to the urge to eat each other.

• [Mike appears in the theater after trying to strangle Bobo] 

  Crow : Mike, why were you choking the monkey?

  Mike Nelson : Because I... hey.

• Mike Nelson : In the future, geese will be rocket-powered.

• Crow : The ONLY end, my friend.

  Mike Nelson : Ya, and the children are all insane, right?

• Mike Nelson : I think controlling her will might involve a sloe gin and a Corvette.

• Pearl Forrester : Okay, great. Art, uh, I have looked over your script.

  Crow T. Robot : Oh, good, uh... , Let me just say that I will not have this script tampered with!

  Pearl Forrester : And, clearly, there are some major script revisions needed.

  Crow T. Robot : Uh, sure, great, absolutely, fine, fine, whatever. And, uh, uh, um, uh, what kind of budget are we looking at here, uh, Pearl... Dr. Forrester? Heh.

  Dr. Forrester : Well, we could only get you about 30 million for the entire movie, so, how that shakes out is roughly, well ten percent for each of us, uh, ten percent for the company, insurance, uh...

  Pearl Forrester : Administration, holding fee, completion bonds.

  Dr. Forrester : So, we should be able to shoot you about eight hundred dollars for the entire movie.

  Crow T. Robot : What? Eight hundred from... from thirty mil... I can't do anything for eight hundred dollars! Come on!

  Pearl Forrester : Huh.

  Dr. Forrester : Hal Needham once said, "Give me a fire-bird and a delapidated building and I'll give you drama!"

  Crow T. Robot : Oh... eight hundred sounds fine... oh, okay! Alright, okay, okay, we're making a movie!

  Mike Nelson : Hey!

  Crow T. Robot : You guys are gonna be in my movie!

  Mike Nelson : Alright, yeah.

  Pearl Forrester : And the studio insists on Kevin Bacon.

  Crow T. Robot : Kevin Bacon? How we supposed to get Kevin Bacon? We can't afford him! How're we gonna get him up here?

  Pearl Forrester : Well, again guys, this is the big time.

• Mike Nelson : You failed to properly compensate during the ion storm. Your agonizer, please.

  Crow T. Robot : But Captain Mike...

  Mike Nelson : Your agonizer, please.

  Crow T. Robot : Agonizer, agonizer... Where the heck did I put that doohickey?

  Mike Nelson : It's right there on your belt.

  Crow T. Robot : No. No, that's not it.

  Mike Nelson : It is, too.

  Crow T. Robot : Nope...

• Mike Nelson : Hi, folks. Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?

  Crow : Roger.

  Tom Servo : Ramjet.

  Mike Nelson : Fire extinguisher?

  Tom Servo : Empty.

  Crow : Shot it off in your face. Next.

  Mike Nelson : Okay. Flare gun?

  Tom Servo : Did it.

  Crow : Shot it off in your face. Next.

  Mike Nelson : First aid kit?

  Tom Servo : Used it to treat your flare burns.

  Mike Nelson : Right. Parachute?

  Crow : Gym class.

  Mike Nelson : Life vest?

  Tom Servo : Faulty.

  Mike Nelson : Ham radio?

  Crow : Mistook it for an actual ham.

  Mike Nelson : There, the Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work?

  Tom Servo : Yeah, the toaster over. We used it to bake the ham radio. Mmmm.

  Mike Nelson : Oh, OK, well then. We're dead. We'll be right back

  Crow : Come on, Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser.

  Tom Servo : Weeee.

• Mike Nelson : There is not an appealing spot in this town.

• Crow : So, anyway, guys, who did they think this movie would appeal to? Elderly squirrels?

  Tom Servo : People without heads?

  Mike Nelson : Used napkins?

  Crow : Italians?

  Mike Nelson : Crow. That's getting off the point.

  Crow : You're right. Uhh... Germans?

• Tiger : Pretty weird, huh?

  Mike Nelson : Yeah. Too bad it's not in the same movie.

• Mike Nelson : Bobo, we have to do something. Please tell me you're not a pod.

  Bobo : Oh, me? Noooo. Everybody else is down here - not me. You know why not me? Because the monkey isn't good enough... AGAIN. Should we assimilate the monkey? Noooo. The monkey's got a red butt. Stupid monkey's got a red butt. Does the monkey want a BAH-NAH-NAH?

  [Sniffle] 

  Bobo : It takes its toll, Mike.

• Mike Nelson : That was a very bad and confusing movie.

• Mike Nelson : My wonderful discovery. Let's kill it.

• Mike Nelson : Is their any way we could stay alive AND evade the police?

• Mike Nelson : Shoot the film first, ask questions later.

• Mike Nelson : This is the early version of "Snow White" called "Snow White and the One Normal Sized Guy".

• Mike Nelson : You didn't tell us you were mythical.

• [Father Mushroom appears] 

  Mike Nelson : so what does a mushroom eat for hallucinations?

  Crow : I think they lick toads.

• Mike Nelson : Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.

• Mike Nelson : My destiny sucks, it's a swamp.

• Ivan : You must have a very wicked stepmother.

  Mike Nelson : Yep, standard issue.

• Mike Nelson : Ever since he got back from the Crusades, he's been weird.

• Mike Nelson : The chilling sound of cardboard against cardboard.

• Mike Nelson : You could shave with her voice.

• Mike Nelson : Well I think Ed Wood has directed himself into a corner here.

• Mike Nelson : Why you're a freak. A super freak. You're super freaky.

• Mike Nelson : Your everyday annoyances should not be filmed.

• Mike Nelson : Were we supposed to do some readings for this movie?

• Mike Nelson : Talk, or there won't be an unpeeled orange in this place.

• Mike Nelson : I must have blood before the night is done.

• [as Joe Esteveze stands guard] 

  Mike Nelson : If you see Martin, shoot to kill.

• [a plane is seen landing] 

  Mike Nelson : Ladies and gentlemen, just to play it safe, we're going to take the freeway the rest of the flight.

• Mike Nelson : That's not a nose, that's a duplex.

• Mike Nelson : Okay, I dropped the canteen and I got lost, right on schedule.

  Tom Servo : Ah, next I have to fall, break my ankle, be attacked by coyotes and buried by a bear.

• Mike Blackwood : There's no reason to fear the worst. All we know is that the plane caught fire and we lost radio contact.

  Mike Nelson : But there's absolutely nothing to be worried about.

• Mike Nelson : Ray Dennis Steckler may have had some issues with women.

• Mike Nelson : You know, I'm a little vague on what you are talking about.

• [watching women's wrestling] 

  Mike Nelson : Sheeeeeesh. Her breasts are on her shoulders.

• Mike Nelson : Uh, front desk? There's a mummy in my room.

• Mike Nelson : Wow, this is weird, this happened to me. I was on a first date with a girl and her grandma killed someone. Dated the girl for a while though!

• Mike Nelson : What would Liberace do? Uh, I better not do that.

• [the fired security guard pushes a button, blowing up the film vault] 

  Tom Servo : That was supposed to open the van door!

  Mike Nelson : Damn.

• Mike Nelson : [the hero stops his bike in front of an airplane]  Stop! Or your propeller will grind me into hamburger!

• Mike Nelson : [on the bad guys inability to kill the hero]  Too bad they set their phasers to miss.

  Tom Servo : Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow giant white thing?

• [Crow shows off a snack he made with his new onion blossomer] 

  Crow : Hey, Mike. Want a try?

  [Mike samples the snack] 

  Mike Nelson : Mmmm, that's pretty good.

  Crow : Try it with my special dipping sauce.

  [Mike tries it with the dipping sauce] 

  Mike Nelson : Not bad.

  [Tom comes in with his dome missing] 

  Tom Servo : Hey, that looks good! What is it?

  Crow : Your head.

• Mike Nelson : [Ortega clumsily throws someone to the ground]  Worst Katshu.