Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)

Kevin Murphy: Tom Servo, Professor Bobo, Cambot, Callipygeas, Servo, Wade the Nanite, Kitten with a Whip, Santa Claus, William Conrad, Abe from Illinois, Digger Smolken, First Tech Support Voice, Fortinbras, Giant Leech, Hadrian, Harry Carey, Ilya Murametz, Ned the Nanite(voice), Officer Kevin, Omnipotent Mom, Roadie, Robert Plant, Roger Whitaker, Ted

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Tom Servo : What do you think the lesson of the movie was?

  Crow : Don't watch it.

• [Off to the left side of the screen, a car rolls off camera] 

  Tom Servo : Boy, the car will do anything to get out of the movie.

• [Things have gotten even stupider in the movie they're watching] 

  Crow : Mike, I demand that you kill me.

  Tom Servo : Me too.

• Tom Servo : [upon seeing the credit "Brian Hamill - Still Photographer"]  I'm glad Brian Hamill's still a photographer. I was afraid he'd be laid off.

• Tom Servo : This is very moving... in that it makes me want to MOVE out of the theater.

• Tom Servo : 35 minutes into the movie, we hit the first plot point.

• [after a bunch of soldiers were piled up and eaten by a monster] 

  Tom Servo : What kind of memorial do we build to those guys?

• Scientist in movie : Can I show you something?

  Tom Servo : It's under my uniform...

• Tom Servo : You know, it's economical to not have a storyline, that way you can just film people saying stuff.

• Tom Servo : YEAH! WHY AM I CHEERING, I DON'T KNOW, BUT YEAH!

• Kathy : My father's dead.

  Tom Servo : That's too bad. Now PICK UP!

• Tom Servo : You know, beer and porn DO make the shift go faster.

• Tom Servo : This movie stops at nothing... and stays there.

• Tom Servo : So the rest of the movie is just watching them all get shot one by one?

  Crow : We may enjoy it.

• Tom Servo : I hope they don't pick up the pace, this movie is relentless.

• Tom Servo : Well, I see this movie wastes no precious screen time with a plot.

• Tom Servo : Mike, if I go into a coma while watching this movie, please do NOT take any extreme measures to revive me.

• Tom Servo : Wow, they're establishing the hell out of this building here.

• Tom Servo : Audiences won't soon forget when the thing-that-we-didn't-know-what-it-was was put into a helicopter by a guy we didn't know.

• Tom Servo : Hey, they're doctors, but they do puppet shows, too!

• Doomsday Satellite : Welcome! You have passed through the first three thresholds of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite! Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences. Remember, this and all literary works of the last century are the sole property of Isaac Asimov and his many affiliates. Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds.

  Crow T. Robot : Quick Joel, cut EVERY wire!

  Joel : It's not gonna work, it needs an access code.

  Tom Servo : Try ego!

  Crow T. Robot : Sideburns!

  Joel : I'll try "I, Robot."

  Doomsday Satellite : [buzz]  I'm sorry, the correct entry would have been "copyright" you now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences.

  Joel , Tom Servo , Crow T. Robot : [there is a cloud of smoke, when it clears Joel and the bots are babbling and have sideburns - they stop]  Huh?

  Joel : This cockamamie satellite's turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!

  Crow T. Robot : Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy?

  Tom Servo : Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups!

  Joel : This is TERRIBLE guys.

  Crow T. Robot : Oh, I don't know, at least now I'll have something to write about. You know, I've been thinking about annotating the Manhattan phone directory.

  Tom Servo : Oh, look, it's Commercial Sign. That'll fit nicely into my volume on the effects of advertising on the human psyche.

• [after a character has strangled another character] 

  Tom Servo : There, now can we get some sleep?

• Crow : Thrill as they listen really hard.

  Tom Servo : Marvel as they listen even harder.

• Tom Servo : Please, God, say "The End".

• Tom Servo : Store this image away for a later nightmare.

• Cook : They give you a thousand bucks to join, and a thousand bucks when it's over.

  Tom Servo : That's at least a thousand bucks.

• Tom Servo : Hey, Mike, is that Satan's butt? Oh, no, wait, it's that guy's face.

• Tom Servo : Hey, they threw Alanis Morissette in prison.

  Mike Nelson : Finally.

• Tom Servo : The sad thing is, they're trying to tap dance. Hahahaha. Kill me.

• Mike Nelson : You know, it's possible they're making an electric Santa Claus.

  Tom Servo : At this point, they could be doing anything.

• Tom Servo : So, we're about a half-hour into the movie?

  Joel : No, actually it's only about a minute.

  Tom Servo : No.

• Tom Servo : Joel, you magnificent bastard, I read your menu.

• Tom Servo : It's the only landscape I know that's enhanced by telephone poles.

• Tom Servo : The director's vision: Confusion racked with ambiguity.

• Narrator : This is the fair ground, where the fair is held.

  Tom Servo : Any questions so far?

• Tom Servo : Let's recap the action so far.

  Joel : Uh, nothing really.

  Tom Servo : Okay, moving on.

• Tom Servo : This is something Hitchcock would be proud of... his pet chimpanzee directing!

• Tom Servo : At this point, I think the movie just threw up it's hands and said "Oh I just don't know"

• Teacher : At school the other kids make fun of him. They think he's strange.

  Tom Servo : Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.

• Tom Servo : Live fast, die young, and leave a fat, bloated, ugly corpse.

• Tom Servo : It's just a simple matter of "What the hell is going on?"

• Tom Servo : All right, we've seen his crotch, his pits, up his nose, the inside of his mouth, WHAT'S NEXT?

• Tom Servo : He awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.

• Tom Servo : Well, there's a lot of congestion on the highway, so you might want to consider an alternate route. Like, down the side of a steep mountain.

• Tom Servo : The gods do not approve of this inept car chase.

• Tom Servo : Where are you going, General?

  Crow : I'm going to Berlin to personally shoot that paper-hanging-son-of-a-bitch.

• Little Boy : What now?

  Tom Servo : Scream, die maybe.

• Tom Servo : Well, guys, I guess no matter how hard you try, there's just no way to make parallel parking exciting.

• Tom Servo : Hey, Hal is reading your lips.

• Dr. Forrester : This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a...

  TV's Frank : Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, exactly. They will bow down be...

  TV's Frank : The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls?

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, exactly. They shall pay for...

  TV's Frank : Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident?

  Dr. Forrester : Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel...

  Joel : Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this?

  Tom Servo : Yeah, what do you get out of it?

  TV's Frank : Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm... "Omega Man" kind of thing?

  Dr. Forrester : No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?

• Tom Servo : Yes, and after all that, our hero is down with one punch.

• Tom Servo : Someone can tell Raymond Burr he's late.

• Tom Servo : Geeze, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat.

• Tom Servo : Meanwhile, on a plastic set somewhere...

• Tom Servo : Bending metal doors, no problem, subduing stocky senior citizens, that's another story.

• [an image of a large man circles in the sky] 

  Mike Nelson : Really, REALLY Big Brother.

  Tom Servo : Someone turn off the fat rotating guy.

• Tom Servo : Two different kinds of plaid? Ew. I'm a naked robot and even *I* know that's a Fashion Don't.

• Tom Servo : It's God roasted for great taste.

• General : War, is such a waste of life.

  Tom Servo : You know, that line makes me stop and think... about how much better a root canal would be then this movie!

• Tom Servo : Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Revue, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you create explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah, Puerto Rico, prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! That's all! Mommy! M-Mommy! M-Mommy! M-M-M!

  Joel : [administering oxygen]  Okay, breathe, boy, breathe. That was a good one! Let's not do that again.

• Tom Servo : As for these phantom 'breasts' Mr. Robot claims to have seen, I say 'Phooey-Kaflooey!' Perhaps he has been in space TOO long!

• Crow T. Robot : Why not men in Little Bo Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I, for one...

  Tom Servo : Yes! Yes! Mr. Crow! I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ALL the barriers. Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards! Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big...

  Joel : Gentlemen, I have Commercial Sign, I'm sorry.

• Tom Servo : Why you know this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What'd you strain it through, a mummy?

  Crow T. Robot : Yeah, the coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.

  Tom Servo : Well the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.

  Joel : Well, I only burn it when you come home drunk.

  Crow T. Robot : Oh, so you burn it every night?

  Joel : Oh, don't bring that up again.

  Crow T. Robot : I have to bring it up; if I hold it in I'll die.

  Tom Servo : Dye! That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!

• Joel : We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.

  Crow T. Robot : But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.

  Tom Servo : Dames like this always got beer around.

  Joel : What?

  Crow T. Robot : Huh?

  Tom Servo : Oh, oh, oh. I mean... Filled with mingled cream and amber I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber.

  [Crow and Joel react only with puzzled stares] 

  Tom Servo : Poe!

  Joel , Crow T. Robot : Ohhhhhhhh...

• Tom Servo : Thank you very much for showing up. I'd like to welcome you all to our MURDER... MYSTERY... DINNER PARTY!

  Crow T. Robot : I did it!

• [watching a Mexican movie] 

  Tom Servo : Maybe if Cortes had never conquered Montezuma we would not have had to watch this.

• [a disgusting character enters a room] 

  Tom Servo : Don't turn on the light, don't turn on the light!

  [He turns on the light] 

  All : AAAGGGHH!

• [a character trips] 

  Tom Servo : Plot hole!

• Tom Servo : Oh I hope they end up togther... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!

• Mike Nelson : [the hero is stuck in a tree]  Oh, he's looking for honey, like Pooh.

  Crow : He's like poo alright.

  Tom Servo : Maybe it's Endor, hopefully he'll be ripped apart by Ewoks.

• Tom Servo : High speed aggressive non-action.

• Tom Servo : Lack of muscle beach.

• Crow : [we see a wrecked army base]  Oh no! They let Stan Laurel watch the hut!

  Tom Servo : Here we see the wreckage of the great snowball wars of ninteen fifty five.

  Mike Nelson : Snowballs are still outlawed by the Geneva convention

  Crow : You know, maybe the army shouldn't have recruited Keith Moon.

• Crow : [Nick opens the fridge, all that's in it is green goo in a bag]  Loser status confirmed!

  Tom Servo : Please... eat... me!

• Crow T. Robot : Joel? Joel?

  Joel : Yeah Crow buddy?

  Crow T. Robot : Would it be okay if I canged my name to Allan Parsons Project?

  Tom Servo : They call me Mr Tibbs!

  Gypsy : Mrs Richard Baseheart! Mr Richard Baseheart!

  Magic Voice : From now on, I'll be know as Vivian Vance! Hehehe...

  Joel : That's it! That's it! From now on all bets are off! From now on we go back to the old names for the rest of the experiments.

• Joel : [reading fan letters]  This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots."

  Crow T. Robot : 'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots!

  Tom Servo : Woo! Thank you, thank you very much.

  Joel : I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too."... And it's signed... TV's Frank?

  Tom Servo : D'oh!

  TV's Frank : Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha!

  Dr. Forrester : What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank.

  TV's Frank : Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow?

• Bobo : Well Mike, that Gypsy ratted you out, looks like you're going down.

  [beat] 

  Bobo : Do you like pancakes?

• Pearl Forrester : All and all a pretty nice trip. We used Brainiac here as a fish locator and then he harvested some wild mushrooms with his mind. We sat by a crystal blue stream having mind-fried rainbow trout. Mmm. It was heaven.

  Bobo : I got bit by a rattlesnake in a very embarasing place. Had to suck the poison out myself.

  Pearl Forrester : I'll never eat again.

  Bobo : Then got stung by a scorpion. Oh, found the motherload of deer ticks. Uh, sat in some sandbur. Say, got mauled by a bear. Buried me so he could eat me later, and I had to dig my way out.

• Mike Nelson : Oh, hey Gyps'. What happened to the zucchini throw pillow things that Mrs. Forrester sent us?

  Gypsy : I put them in a safe place.

  Mike Nelson : Okay, and where's that?

  Gypsy : Some place where you would meet a horrible demise before laying your polluting fingers upon them.

  Tom Servo : So you put them in Mike's laundry basket?

• Bobo : Nelson, I see your point. You may be onto something. The Universe is in danger but don't you worry, no-siree Bob, I'm on the job. I'll stop these two wretched creatures and foil their little plan. I'll mmm-hmm-hmm-mmm.

  Mike Nelson : Well, again we're doomed.

• Tom Servo : I'd rather share a needle with Keith Richards.

• Tom Servo : He died as he lived, with jelly all over his face.

• Tom Servo : don't suppose there's any chance this guy's going to end up under the wheels of a train, is there?

• Tom Servo : Since when did NASA paint anything red?

• Tom Servo : Nice location for a beating. Real scenic.

• Tom Servo : Beseech this.

• Tom Servo : They're not dead, they're just 'metaphysically challenged'.

• Tom Servo : Nothing like an invigorating swim with a corpse in the morning.

• Tom Servo : Never, under any circumstances, drive with your butt-cheeks.

• Tom Servo : Oh, teen-age youth, as opposed to the teen-age elderly?

• Tom Servo : I am a fugative from a slumber party.

• Tom Servo : [watching a man fishing]  Typical male, sitting in his chair, playing with his rod.

• Tom Servo : This is the worst movie we've ever seen here.

  Joel : Oh really, what about "Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : What about "Side Hackers"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Cave Dwellers"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Catalina Caper"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Pod people"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Hell Cats"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse.

  Joel : "Daddy-O"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Rocket Attack USA"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Earth vs. the Spider"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, definitely worse!

  Crow T. Robot : "Ring of Terror"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "It Conquered the World"?

  Tom Servo : Uh... yeah, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Lost Continent"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse.

• Joel : "Moon Zero Two"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Women of the Prehistoric Planet"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Time of the Apes"?

  Tom Servo : Worse, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Wild Rebels"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Stranded in Space"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "King Dinosaur"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Mighty Jack"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Rocketship X-M"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "The Unearthly"?

  Tom Servo : [sounding more like Johnny Carson]  Worse!

  Joel : "Teenage Caveman"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "First Spaceship on Venus"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse, worse.

  Joel : "Space Travelers"?

• Tom Servo : Much worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Giant Gila Monster"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, a whole lot worse.

  Joel : "The Manchingo Coniglium"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, huh?

  Crow T. Robot : Hey, "Teenagers from Outer Space" was much, much better!

  Tom Servo : [pause]  It's a ton worse.

• Joel : "City Limits"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "War of the Colossal Beast"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Amazing Colossal Man"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Fugitive Alien"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : Hmmm... "Fugitive Alien 2"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : Uhh... "Master Ninja"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : Oh really? "Gamera"?

  Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : Mmmm... "Godzilla vs. Sea Monster"?

  Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.

  Joel : "Gamera vs. Zigra"?

  Tom Servo : Worse, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : ...vs. Baragon"?

  Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.

  Joel : "Gamera vs. Guiron"?

  Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : How about "The Castle of Fu Manchu"!

  Tom Servo : OK, I'll grant you "Castle of Fu Manchu" was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!

• Narrator : The monster next appeared in lovers lane.

  Mike Nelson : To a sellout crowd!

  Narrator : Those who survived its terrifying attack, would never return there again.

  Tom Servo : Those who did not survive said attack, also would not return there again.

• Tom Servo : [mimicking the hero]  Huh, she sucks. Of course, everyone sucks compared to me, I should give her a break.

• Tom Servo : From the director who brought you that earlier stuff, more of the same!

• Tom Servo : [watching ice skaters]  Beauty, grace and rhythm... you won't find them here.

• Tom Servo : I'm glad I chose kicking butt as a living.

• Tom Servo : [seeing a bottle of blue liquid]  Eugh, Smurf urine.

• Tom Servo : Ahhh, greasy guys carrying unconscious girls, comfortable two P.M. beer buzz, ya homesick yet Mike?

• Joel : [reading the manual to disarm the Isaac Asmov doomsday device]  Step One: It will be very enjoyable for you to separate the ocular filter coupling up from the decapacitor which is stout... and yellow sometimes." Crow, you better scan this and give me the instructions.

  Crow T. Robot : [scans for about a second]  Got it!

  Joel : Oh, brother...

  Crow T. Robot : Ooookaaay. "Most very kindly, find the Lookie Switch which is nice and sitting there with green label which leaves you singing."

  Joel : I *think* I got it...

  Crow T. Robot : Okay, "Carefully disregard and do not do the very wrong thing or much confusion will result"... tell me about it... "with sparks, flowers and loud report on some models."

  [pause] 

  Crow T. Robot : "Glue Bat-Man to CG detail omitted for clarity"?

  Joel : This is really confusing.

  Tom Servo : Who WROTE this, Charlie Callas?

  Crow T. Robot : Hey, oh! Oh, wait, there's more! It says uhhh... "Clip red wire likes you best with firm hand and glad heart... "

  Joel : Okay, I think that oughtta do it...

  [it sprays him with silly string] 

  Crow T. Robot : "... but first, clip the blue wire. Got you, scrawny man."

• Mr. Duvall : I just thought I'd take my morning constitutional...

  Tom Servo : EW! He went on the beach?

• Tom Servo : I'm sorry these two didn't end up together.

  Mike Nelson : They did.

  Tom Servo : Oh, then I'm sorry about that.

• Tom Servo : Ah, they clear cut a virgin forest so people could make out.

• Mike Nelson : I'm sorry, clearly you're not a psychopath.

  Tom Servo : That's right! Now get out before my dog orders me to shoot the president!

• Tom Servo : Uh, Bob, I'm on fire.

• Tom Servo : The huge, huge, face!

• Tom Servo : I figure he'll get bored and die, and then I will rule!

• Griffin : Is that the mountain?

  Tom Servo : Let's kill that mountain.

• Scientist in movie : The whole mountain is blowing up under us!

  Tom Servo : The model doesn't look to good either.

• Tom Servo : Meanwhile, on a dry model.

• [during an interminable opening monologue] 

  Dr. 'Z' Leopold : It's been a long twenty years.

  Tom Servo : Hell, it's been a long twenty MINUTES.

• Mike Nelson : [looking in book]  So these are the catch-phrases I can choose from?

  Crow : Yep. Oh, here's a good one! "Kiss off, slappy!"

  Mike Nelson : Nah, that's not really me. Oh, here's one that oughta get the kids going! "We're all out of toner!"

  [pause] 

  Mike Nelson : [slightly unsure]  Uh, "Don't run on my wet floor?"

  [pause] 

  Mike Nelson : [very unsure now]  "Secretary... please read off the m-minutes from... "

  Crow : Oh, geez...

  Tom Servo : Pathetic! Mike, knock it off!

  Mike Nelson : Oh, Pearl's calling!

  Tom Servo : I said, cut it out, Mike!

  Mike Nelson : No, see, she is! See?

  Tom Servo : Oh, yeah, sorry!

• [a character finds an old drunk in a barn] 

  Tom Servo : Could this be my Yoda-like mentor?

• Tom Servo : I don't think I'll be able to get to *slee* tonight!

• Tom Servo : I could prove these guys don't exist!

• Tom Servo : Hey! I've got it! We could just shot 'em!

• Tom Servo : Hi, everyone, kind of a tough moment. We just tapped into earth's geneology records and discovered the cause of this simian holocaust. You see, virtually every single one of Mike's decendants married apes!

  Mike Nelson : Come on, all my grandkids?

  Crow : Yep.

  Mike Nelson : What about great grandchildren?

  Crow : Checking... yes! Francis Nelson married a macaque, otherwise they all married great apes.

  Tom Servo : You can see why he's upset folks.

  Crow : Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!

  Mike Nelson : Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!

  Crow : Oh it was quite unusual... hey hey hey hey, here's a Wilburt H. Nelson who married a Sara Thompson of Oak Park Illinois. Uh Ohhh... seems he kept an aye aye in an apartment downtown. Ha hoo hoo, this is not pretty stuff. Here's a W.D. Nelson who married eight times... silverbacked gorilla, one two and three, then he picked up a penchant for a bonobo and married those four times before wedding a japanese snow monkey on a day before...

  Mike Nelson : OK, OK Crow, I think everyones heard enough. I think we all get the point.

  Crow : Mike I think I speak for all of us when I say... GOOD ONE NELSON!

  Tom Servo : I'm locking up my sock monkey, I'll give you that much for free.

• Tom Servo : You... little pan woman!

• Tom Servo : This is a story about a robot named Crow. Can you guess what Crow has been thinking? Crow has been thinking hard... or as hard as he can think anyway... on how the satellite has been so darn clean. It wasn't clean this morning, so think hard, Crow. Think really hard Crow - you poor dope. Scan that scrap heap you call a brain and...

  Crow T. Robot : Hey, knock it off!

  Tom Servo : [as different images of Gypsy are shown]  Oh, sorry. Ah, yes. Who does these things when we're too lazy or too bloated on dinners of rich food and generous portions of our own gargantuan ego? Who debugs the massive computer control center because our own feeble brains can't add fractions? Who provides the water in which you could bathe your filthy oil-stained carcass? Who goes on mind-bendingly dangerous missions on the outside in cold unforgiving space while you sit cozy sipping cocoa and watching Tiny Toons? Pinch yourself hard, Mr. Robot. You deserve it. You think you're all sunshine and goodness, but you're just dirt between the toes of an evil troll. That's right. Who periodically changes the plutonium rods in the nuclear bowels deep inside the nuclear reactor of the ship while you sit feasting on gooey handfuls of Fiddle Faddle and play hopscotch and marbles and spring in the...

  Crow T. Robot : Hey just a darn blasting minute. What are you trying to do, lay it all on me? You're the laziest robot I've ever seen!

  Tom Servo : Oh, I see, It's me now is it. It's too painful to look into the deep dark truthful mirror, eh. You make me sick.

  Crow T. Robot : [as Gypsy enters]  I thought you looked sick but it's always hard to tell with you.

  [both see Gypsy] 

  Crow T. Robot : I gotta go clean my room now.

  Tom Servo : I gotta go clean his room too.

• Crow : Oh, Gypsy, we're giving you a shower.

  Tom Servo : Oh, look, she's surprised. Isn't that darling?

  Gypsy : Well, I'm not getting married. Am I pregnant?

• Tom Servo : Thoughts of sex distracted me and now I have to immolate myself to subdue the buzzing in my head.

• Tom Servo : Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell? You shot me in the butt!

• Tom Servo : Is he a turnip that grew a face?

• Tom Servo : Uh-oh. Hilarity, guys. Not since the pie-fight scene in "The Great Race"...

  Crow T. Robot : Not since the mudslide scene in "McClintock"...

  Joel : Not since the wagon race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"...

  Crow T. Robot : Not since the chess-playing scene in "The Seventh Seal"...

  Tom Servo : Not since the orgy scene in "Caligula"...

  Joel : Huh?

  Crow T. Robot : What?

  Tom Servo : Um... well, hilarity, anyway.

• Tom Servo : He always offers me beef.

• Tom Servo : Okay, what are we looking at and why are we looking at it?

• Joel : Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is called "The Godzilla Genealogy Bop." Will you hit it, Professor Cambot? In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past.

  Crow T. Robot : You know studying genealogy is gonna be a blast!

  Joel : Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high.

  Tom Servo : C'mon, let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree!

  Joel : Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.

  Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo : Oh, like baby alligators and other nasty beasts?

  Joel : The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size.

  Crow T. Robot : Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!

  Joel : Right. Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb.

  Tom Servo : Yeah, look! There's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch! They were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing...

  Crow T. Robot : Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars!

  Tom Servo : And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm.

  Joel : You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again.

  Crow T. Robot : Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn.

  Tom Servo : There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too!

  Crow T. Robot : But Ernest Borgnine isn't green!

  Tom Servo : Well you put him on a boat and he is!

  Joel , Crow T. Robot : What?

  Tom Servo : Hey! Who's that down at the bottom, a-wallowing in his shame?

  Crow T. Robot : Oh that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.

  Tom Servo : Huh.

  Joel : To wrap it up, the worst mutation...

  Crow T. Robot : No, you don't suppose?

  Tom Servo : Oh, yes it is! The horror of horrors!

  Joel , Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo : KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!

• Crow : I felt a disturbance, like a million monkeys cried out at once, then all were silenced. The world... is no more.

  [the lights and sirens go off] 

  Tom Servo : And even worse... WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGNS!

• [Watching Betty the acrobat swinging on a circus-swing] 

  Tom Servo : Yes, our Betty swings both ways.

• Tom Servo : Okay, I'm nude and I'm still trapped in the castle.

• Mike Nelson : Hi, folks. Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?

  Crow : Roger.

  Tom Servo : Ramjet.

  Mike Nelson : Fire extinguisher?

  Tom Servo : Empty.

  Crow : Shot it off in your face. Next.

  Mike Nelson : Okay. Flare gun?

  Tom Servo : Did it.

  Crow : Shot it off in your face. Next.

  Mike Nelson : First aid kit?

  Tom Servo : Used it to treat your flare burns.

  Mike Nelson : Right. Parachute?

  Crow : Gym class.

  Mike Nelson : Life vest?

  Tom Servo : Faulty.

  Mike Nelson : Ham radio?

  Crow : Mistook it for an actual ham.

  Mike Nelson : There, the Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work?

  Tom Servo : Yeah, the toaster over. We used it to bake the ham radio. Mmmm.

  Mike Nelson : Oh, OK, well then. We're dead. We'll be right back

  Crow : Come on, Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser.

  Tom Servo : Weeee.

• Tom Servo : Is the FILM grainy, or are these GUYS just kinda grainy?

• Tom Servo : Yep, that first morning beer is always the best.

• Crow : So, anyway, guys, who did they think this movie would appeal to? Elderly squirrels?

  Tom Servo : People without heads?

  Mike Nelson : Used napkins?

  Crow : Italians?

  Mike Nelson : Crow. That's getting off the point.

  Crow : You're right. Uhh... Germans?

• Japanese reporter : I got pictures of your spaceship.

  Tom Servo : MY spaceship. When we bought it it was OUR spaceship.

• Tom Servo : Vacation.

  [deep voice] 

  Tom Servo : In the Forbiden Zone.

• Tom Servo : Y'know, Mike, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful. If you just take the time to look at it.

• Ryder : WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.

  Tom Servo : Well, anyway, got that out of my system.

• Lisa : It looks like there was a war.

  Tom Servo : You'll have to take my word for it, we can't afford to show it.

• Tom Servo : I should be sternly disciplined. Oh yes.

• Tom Servo : [upon seeing a college student writing something]  Lets see, uh, "If my demands are not met, the screams of those who have wronged me and the smell of burning flesh will fill the student union."

• Tom Servo : So, anyway... you can see how this all adds up to a movie.

• Tom Servo : So what if your clone is a hard-drinking, hard-living clone?

  Crow : We need your liver to keep your CLONE alive.

• Mike Nelson : Bobo, we have to do something. Please tell me you're not a pod.

  Bobo : Oh, me? Noooo. Everybody else is down here - not me. You know why not me? Because the monkey isn't good enough... AGAIN. Should we assimilate the monkey? Noooo. The monkey's got a red butt. Stupid monkey's got a red butt. Does the monkey want a BAH-NAH-NAH?

  [Sniffle] 

  Bobo : It takes its toll, Mike.

• Tom Servo : Y'ah know it's spring when the Executioners start getting in the house.

• Tom Servo : And so the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying RAT.

• Tom Servo : Peter Pan, antichrist.

• Tom Servo : And now the king rips off his skin and becomes a dinosaur from Mars.

• Crow : Here comes Mike, destroyer of worlds.

  Tom Servo : O god of fire and vengeance, stay away from me.

• Tom Servo : [Describing his funeral]  Dignity, smignity, I want elephants, LOTS of them.

• Crow : The Queen Mother could heat up a room more than this.

  Tom Servo : Yea. I've seen sexier girdle ads.

• Tom Servo : Her coffee table was purchased with the souls of young girls. About eight I think.

• Tom Servo : Killed by a pencil.

• Tom Servo : Insert knife A into girl B.

• Tom Servo : Why is the coat rack on fire?

• Nastinka : Have mercy on me o rising sun.

  Tom Servo : And you are?

• Tom Servo : Damn. Hobbits.

• Tom Servo : There is no God, there's just Dude.

• Tom Servo : A man was snapped at by a force-perspective puppet today...

• Tom Servo : So, a nine-iron knocks him cold, but a shotgun does nothing?

• Tom Servo : Y'ah know I'm good at this. I should have started killing long ago.

• Pearl Forrester : Can I rule you?

  Tom Servo : Sorry, baby. No one rules the Tom Monster.

• Tom Servo : Oh, so that's why you had me kill my girlfriend, so I could see the CLOSET?

• [Upon seeing the name "Temple Foster"] 

  Tom Servo : Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.

• Tom Servo : [singing]  I feel trembly, oh so shaky, I've had whiskey and vodka and gin.

• Tom Servo : Lucy, I'm hom... LUCY. OH MY GOD.

• Tom Servo : Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to send a killer vampire into the crowd.

• Tom Servo : Something vague this way comes.

• Mrs. Snow : Poor Mickey...

  Tom Servo : You're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, poor Mickey.

• Mike Nelson : Okay, I dropped the canteen and I got lost, right on schedule.

  Tom Servo : Ah, next I have to fall, break my ankle, be attacked by coyotes and buried by a bear.

• Tom Servo : So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent. We're outta here.

• [finding an old chest on her ranch] 

  Flavia McIntyre : Gold, it must be gold.

  Tom Servo : Yeah, the great Nevada pirates buried it.

• Tom Servo : Is it too early to hate this guy?

• Max keller : I guess you can't respect what you can't understand.

  Tom Servo : I don't respect why this movie was made.

• Tom Servo : Uh, can I have that back? I kinda' need it, it's my neck.

• Docter : I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in...

  Tom Servo : Because he got me as his doctor.

• Tom Servo : Hmm. He's drowning. Neat.

• [During a low-angle shot of Jo Don Baker] 

  Tom Servo : Gah! I don't wanna' be down here!

• Tom Servo : (singing) Come sit by me, and Satan too, he's your friend and mine!

• Tom Servo : Here, be sure to drink it all, sometimes the poison is on the bottom.

• [the fired security guard pushes a button, blowing up the film vault] 

  Tom Servo : That was supposed to open the van door!

  Mike Nelson : Damn.

• Tom Servo : Suddenly the Twist and Crcme seemed a much darker place.

• Pearl Forrester : You're out of order.

  Bobo : I'm not out of order. YOU'RE out of order. This court room is out of order, the system is out of order, the candy machine in the hallway is out of order!

• Mike Nelson : [on the bad guys inability to kill the hero]  Too bad they set their phasers to miss.

  Tom Servo : Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow giant white thing?

• Tom Servo : You know, I'm at least as tense as I was during "A Very Brady Christmas".

• [Crow shows off a snack he made with his new onion blossomer] 

  Crow : Hey, Mike. Want a try?

  [Mike samples the snack] 

  Mike Nelson : Mmmm, that's pretty good.

  Crow : Try it with my special dipping sauce.

  [Mike tries it with the dipping sauce] 

  Mike Nelson : Not bad.

  [Tom comes in with his dome missing] 

  Tom Servo : Hey, that looks good! What is it?

  Crow : Your head.