Running Scared (1986)

Billy Crystal: Danny Costanzo

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Quotes 

• Danny Costanzo : [on car phone, in strange voice]  Uh, hello? Can I talk to Detective Sigliano and Detective Montoya pleeeassse? My name is Pinky, is this the detective? Hi, I usually inform for Hughes and Costanzo but they don' pay me no mo'... Oh, no! Oh, I'm watching the new "Jeopardy!" and a man missed a Bible question because he did not know what Deuteronomy waaaas! Oh yeah, I'll help you. I want you to get Gonzales and show up Hughes and Costanzo, they don't pay me no mo' and I'm maaaddd! Oh, no! Ya dummy, the answer is ipswich clams! The man who can take you to Gonzales, his name is Adam Robertson. He's a high-fallutin' lawyer type who lives at 1358 Lake Shore Drive. Oh, Motha! Motha! Can I have some more petite marshmallows in my hot cocoa... Gotta go, Final Jeopardy's on!

• Danny Costanzo : Let's bust 'em.

  Ray Hughes : For what?

  Danny Costanzo : In this neighborhood, a Mercedes is probable cause.

• Danny Costanzo : [Bullets bounce off the windows of the custom car]  It works! It's really bullet-proof!

  Sister Rebecca : Thank you, Lord!

  Ray Hughes : Thank you Ace!

  Danny Costanzo : [to Julio]  *Nothing*!

  [makes faces at him, then tries to roll the window down] 

  Danny Costanzo : The windows won't roll down!

  Ray Hughes : You asshole Ace!

• Danny Costanzo : Excuse me, we're from Noisebusters. Do you know where the Menudo concert is?

• Danny Costanzo : [points his gun at the thug threatening Hughes]  Hablo, Smith and Wesson? You have the right to remain DEAD. Anything you do will be used against you. You have the right to a CORONER. If you cannot afford one, we will appoint a medical examiner for you.

• Danny Costanzo : Garcia, I said one backup! *One backup*! You bring the Rose Parade!

  Sergeant Garcia : You never called for a backup before! We figured,

  [cracking up] 

  Sergeant Garcia : ...we figured it was a riot.

  Ray Hughes : [furious]  Get in the car. Would you get in the car, Mr. Backup?

• Captain Logan : [to Ray and Danny]  Hey! That jumper yesterday? Just got a flash from the coroner on the cause of death!

  Danny Costanzo : Oooh, let me guess. Deceleration trauma.

  Ray Hughes : Cement poisoning.

  Captain Logan : He drowned.

  Danny Costanzo : Oh, poor guy couldn't swim or fly, huh?

• Captain Logan : You're gonna what?

  Danny Costanzo : Quit. Leave. Depart. Vamoose. Amscray.

  Ray Hughes : Retire! This is our official 30 day notice.

  Captain Logan : Let me tell you something. When you've been cops this long, you are not fit for anything else. What are you gonna do, open a bar?

  Ray Hughes : [gives Danny a sidelong glance]  We're looking for some new career challenges.

  Danny Costanzo : Yeah, something with a future.

  Captain Logan : Show me another career they let you shoot people.

• Danny Costanzo : [to priest and nun after hair-raising cab ride]  Hey father, you and your wife owe me 28.50.

• Danny Costanzo : [as a trash compactor is about to crush their car, with Danny and Ray inside]  Oh, sure. Nag at me! Nagging's good! You still owe me ten bucks and I never said anything!

  Ray Hughes : You want it now?

  Danny Costanzo : YEAH, I WANT IT NOW!

• Danny Costanzo : [Having learned his ex-wife will marry a dentist]  Do they play the same music at home that they play in the office?

• Anna : You can't be a kid your whole life, you're gonna have to grow up!

  Danny Costanzo : Why? I don't like grown ups.

• Danny Costanzo : [Walking out of the Bar]  What the hell are we doing in Key West?

  Ray Hughes : Its as far south as we can go without having to speak Spanish

• Captain Logan : I hear you two watched 'em mop up the pancake today.

  Danny Costanzo : Hi, Captain.

  Captain Logan : You two weren't, uh, interrogating a suspect up on the roof, were you?

  Ray Hughes : We got an alibi, Captain. Snake, tell him where we were or we'll kill you, too.

• Captain Logan : You had to be rescued like a couple of rookies. Maybe you need a rest.

  Ray Hughes : We don't need a rest.

  Captain Logan : Well, I need a rest from you. I'm approving your request for vacation.

  Danny Costanzo : No! We got too much goin' on!

  Captain Logan : [chuckles]  You know, it's a very bad sign when a cop thinks that Chicago will fall apart without him. You're on vacation, effective now.

  Ray Hughes : We're not goin'!

  Captain Logan : Let me tell you something. If I find you in the city, I'm gonna have you arrested. If you step one foot in this station house, I'm gonna have you shot.

• Ray Hughes : [finds Gonzales hiding under a tarp]  You're under arrest! You know the routine.

  [Gonzales stays quiet] 

  Danny Costanzo : Very good. You have the right to remain silent. Now what else?

  Ray Hughes : [punches Gonzales in the stomach]  WHAT ELSE!

  Danny Costanzo : [growls angrily]  Anything I say may be used against me in a court of law.

  Danny Costanzo : That's two, you're doing great. Now what's next?

  Julio Gonzales : I have the right to an attorney. If I cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to me by the court.

  Ray Hughes : Yeah! Yeah. Now do you understand these rights you just explained to us?

  Julio Gonzales : Oh yeah.

  Danny Costanzo : It is such a pleasure to deal with professionals. Refreshing.

  Julio Gonzales : You gonna die for this!

  Ray Hughes , Danny Costanzo : Oooh!

  Ray Hughes : I can feel the tension in the air!

• Danny Costanzo : If you hurt that lady, you'll never be dead enough.

• Danny Costanzo : [unable to arrest Snake]  This block is being designated a Neighborhood Watch Area. There's a guy up here named Snake. He's wearing garage-sale clothes and the top of his head looks like a parakeet. He also has FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills in a briefcase. As his neighbors, it is your responsibility to make sure there are no suspicious characters or evil perpetrators lurking in the area who would seek to do him harm. Again, FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills, tax free, in a briefcase right in this apartment. Which has a really cheeseball lock! You can bust your way in there, bop him on the head, take the money, nobody would know! So it's UP TO YOU. Thanks a lot, have a good day.

• Danny Costanzo : Did you say I was rich? We'll have dinner at the Pump Room. Appetizers and everything. Then, I'm gonna buy me one of those mondo laser disc stereos were the speakers are so big that I have to move out, you know. Good seats for the Cubs games! I'm gonna give you ten thousand. I lie!

• Danny Costanzo : [driving their car on the L tracks]  Try not to scrape the third rail, OK? There's about 600 volts in there.

  Ray Hughes : It's not the voltage that gets you. It's the amps.

• Danny Costanzo : [Danny is shot by Detective Montoya]  If it's bad, you go to Florida without me.

  Ray Hughes : You're all right.

  Danny Costanzo : Just promise me you'll go without me!

  Ray Hughes : OK OK! I promise, I'll go without you.

  Danny Costanzo : [shocked]  You'd go without me?

  Ray Hughes : You just ASKED me to...

  Danny Costanzo : WITHOUT ME? You son of a bitch! Where's my gun? I'll kill you first!

  Ray Hughes : [long pause]  Feeling better?

  Danny Costanzo : [sees the bullet didn't penetrate]  Must be the vest.

• Danny Costanzo : [stopped two robbers by shooting their car]  I can't believe that you missed all six shots.

  Ray Hughes : What are you talking about? I hit the wind shield six times in a row!

  Danny Costanzo : Uh, excuse me sir. All six of mine hit. I don't know where the hell you were aiming. I'm the one that made them swerve.

  Ray Hughes : Oh you made him swerve? You always aim low anyway!

  Danny Costanzo : Oh let's do height jokes Ray. That's really good.

• Ray Hughes : [Danny and Ray are driving around in Gonzales' stolen Mercedes. The car's cell phone rings, and Ray answers it]  Hello? Hola! Julio!

  Danny Costanzo : Tell him I said hello.

  Ray Hughes : We've been lookin' all over for you, man! Uh, donde esta? Julio... Jul...

  [takes the phone away from his ear] 

  Ray Hughes : He's very excited. Something about his car being stolen.

  Danny Costanzo : His car was stolen?

  Ray Hughes : I guess so.

  [Back into the phone] 

  Ray Hughes : Jul... Julio look, you wanna file a report, amigo? Huh?

  [Click] 

  Ray Hughes : You didn't tell him I said hello!

  Danny Costanzo : I tried to! He hung up on me!

• Danny Costanzo : I got shot.

  Ray Hughes : It's about time.

• [Having just arrived to Key West, Florida, Danny and Ray see a crowd of people gathered at the docks] 

  Danny Costanzo : What's going on? What happened?

  Ray Hughes : I don't know. Maybe a ship sank.

  Danny Costanzo : Somebody drown?

  Julie : We're watching the sunset.

  Ray Hughes : Yeah, right.

  Danny Costanzo : Really, what happened?

  Julie : The sun is setting, can't you see it?

  Ray Hughes : Don't give us that, the sun sets every night!

  Julie : Yeah, and we come out every night to watch it. Isn't it beautiful?

  Danny Costanzo : [to Ray]  Maybe we should check this out.

  Ray Hughes : Yeah, well, it better be good.

• Anna : Are you really going to Florida?

  Danny Costanzo : What do you care? What are you, jealous?

  Anna : I'm not jealous. It just sounds boring. And you're not boring.

  Danny Costanzo : Hey, you are *marrying* boring! And you're not boring eiither!

• Danny Costanzo : He's gonna do this!

  Ray Hughes : Alright then we let him kill us, that's what he wants anyway, there's a certain dignity in that, as long as we keep on our PANTS!

• Danny Costanzo : Why weren't we on THAT track?

  Ray Hughes : Oh, now you're going to criticize my driving?

  Danny Costanzo : Well, it's just you get to do all that dangerous stuff, and get to parallel park!

• Maryann : Some women like men with scars.

  Danny Costanzo : You like scars? I've a lot of scars. Deep, emotional scars.

  Ray Hughes : Danny's working on his next ex-wife.

  Danny Costanzo : Will you marry me? Just for a few days? No strings attached.

  Maryann : How could I resist an offer like that?

• Danny Costanzo : Before you finish repainting this thing, I want some improvements.

  Ace : What, a sun roof? Turbo charger? Laser weapons? What?

  Danny Costanzo : I don't know what I want.

  Ace : Let me tell you what you want. You want to come and go like the wind. Invincible, invulnerable, invisible.

  Danny Costanzo : And I want it Thursday at nine.

  Ace : It won't be invisible till five.

  Danny Costanzo : See you then!

• Juan Martinez : Hey, this is police brutality, bro!

  Danny Costanzo : No, no. This is just harassment. If this doesn't work, then we're gonna get brutal.

• Ray Hughes : This guy's beginning to get on my nerves.

  Danny Costanzo : Yeah. It's time we started gettin' on his.

• Danny Costanzo : I'm calling for some backup.

  Ray Hughes : Backup?

  Danny Costanzo : Everyone else does!

• Danny Costanzo : Look, Snake. From here, the angle of trajectory - Oh, great. Look who I'm talking to. Mr. S.A.T.'s.

• Danny Costanzo : Thanks to us, there's twelve guys with machine guns in there.

  Ray Hughes : You're right. We better both go.

• Ray Hughes : Pointing a gun at a police officer. Can we waste them for that?

  Danny Costanzo : I think so.

• Danny Costanzo : Why weren't we on that track?

  Ray Hughes : Oh, now you're going to criticize my driving?

  Danny Costanzo : Well, it's just that you get to do all the dangerous stuff, and I get to parallel park.

• Danny Costanzo : One of these days we both have to find women at the same time.

  Ray Hughes : ["clinking" a donut]  Dink.

• Ray Hughes : Look at that sunset!

  Danny Costanzo : It's incredible. Just incredible.

  Ray Hughes : I'll tell you... I never wanna leave.

  Danny Costanzo : We can come back.

  Ray Hughes : We will. Next year's vacations.

  Danny Costanzo : I mean for good. We can move down here.

  Ray Hughes : No, being a cop down here wouldn't be the same.

  Danny Costanzo : I don't mean being a cop. I mean to quit, retire, be a regular person.

  Ray Hughes : Regular people suck!

  Danny Costanzo : Maybe, but they hardly ever get shot.

• Ray Hughes : I still like being a cop.

  Danny Costanzo : This will be the same thing. We break up some fights, we argue with some drunks, we roust some hookers, and occasionally we, if we're lucky, we'll get robbed.

• Evidence Officer : These vest aren't very effective if you get shot in the face.

  Danny Costanzo : I need it for lower back support.

• [last lines] 

  Ray Hughes : Do you think Chicago would be safe in their hands?

  Danny Costanzo : [using his twerp voice]  Oh, no.

  Ray Hughes : Millions of people out there to protect.

  Danny Costanzo : Yep, we owe it to this fine city. Hey, you guys wanna buy a bar?

• Captain Logan : Your pal Gonzales is back on the street.

  Danny Costanzo : What?

  Captain Logan : He made bail. And if he gets the right lawyer, he probably is gonna go free. Right now, he's a private citizen, just like you two wanna be.

  Ray Hughes : Private citizen? The man shot Snake in front of four police officers!

  Captain Logan : You witnessed him pull the trigger?

• Captain Logan : You two may be quitting too late instead of too early. I have seen it before: short timers' disease. You're already looking forward to the good times. You're getting careful, aren't you?

  Ray Hughes : We are not!

  Danny Costanzo : What's wrong with being careful?

  Captain Logan : Careful gets you killed in this line of work. You think about getting shot and you get shot.

• [Gonzales has taken Danny's ex-wife Anna hostage to force Danny to trade her for his confiscated drug shipment at the State building] 

  Danny Costanzo : I'll take the bag in, but they'll be watching every door for you.

  Ray Hughes : I'll be there.

  Danny Costanzo : We're treating this like any other bust, right?

  Ray Hughes : [smiling]  Yeah. Just don't be careful.

  Danny Costanzo : Hey, you neither!

• Det. Frank Sigliano : Hey we got ours, where are yours?

  Ray Hughes : You shot my partner!

  Det. Frank Sigliano : Hey! The man looks fine to me.

  Danny Costanzo : No thanks to you two!

  Det. Tony Montoya : If you weren't so damn so you mighta shot me first.

  Danny Costanzo : You call that shooting? Point blank range and I'm still here.

  Det. Tony Montoya : Ok well let's not make a big deal out of it, you're upsetting the prisoners.

  Ray Hughes : Why should they be upset, you don't shoot them!

• Maryann : What's he doing here?

  Danny Costanzo : I brought donuts.

  Ray Hughes : He brought donuts.

  Danny Costanzo : I was gonna get some of those French things; but, I hate saying that word.

  Maryann : Crossants?

  Danny Costanzo : You say it wrong and you sound stupid. So, I brought donuts.

• Danny Costanzo : [Ray and Maryann naked in bed]  So, how was she?

  Maryann : Well?

  Ray Hughes : She's friendly. I like her.

• Danny Costanzo : I'll have a band every weekend. I'll put up a big sign that says "Even Night is Ladies Night." I'll have wet t-shirt night for women over 70. You'll love this!

• Danny Costanzo : Excuse me!

  [Danny's target turns to face him and is promptly shot by Danny] 

• [Having learned his ex-wife will marry a dentist] 

  Danny Costanzo : They're gonna have a lot of clown paintings on their walls.

  Ray Hughes : That's cold.

• Ray Hughes : We need a drink.

  Danny Costanzo : No, I need lots of drinks.

• Snake : You got nothin' on me, man.

  Danny Costanzo : How about assaulting an officer's foot.

• Sergeant Garcia : Hey, you two weren't questioning a suspect on the roof, were you?

  Danny Costanzo : That's cute. Why don't you go put your nuts in a microwave.

• Ray Hughes : I think it's awfully sad to be talking about quittin'. It might look like we're scared.

  Danny Costanzo : We're not scared. We're smart!

• Ray Hughes : I need a drink.

  Danny Costanzo : We all need drinks!

• Danny Costanzo : Hi. We sell Tupperware. We're looking for Julio Gonzalez. We sold him a lot of jello molds. We just can't seem to find him. Would you have a forwarding address?

  Apartment Manager's Son : I no know Julio Gonzalez. Go away!

• Danny Costanzo : Would you like us to go door to door checking green cards?

  Apartment Manager : I tell you, go away. No questions.

  Danny Costanzo : I don't think the owner of this slum is going to be real happy if all of his tenants were deported.

  Apartment Manager : The owner is Julio Gonzalez.

  Danny Costanzo : We'll begin by deporting you!

• Ray Hughes : Are you sick or something? Come on!

  Danny Costanzo : I don't want this to get out of hand. We have an obligation to the lovely ladies of Key West. Remember them? The long legs, the flat bellies, the tight buns, and those tan tits!

• Anna : If we're both so interesting, how come we got divorced?

  Danny Costanzo : You wanted it. I didn't.

  Anna : I needed it. I didn't want it.

• Danny Costanzo : You really happy since we broke up?

  Anna : No. Yes! Are you?

  Danny Costanzo : Sure. Great. You want to go to bed?

  Anna : Yeah. No!

• Anna : You're making me crazy again.

  Danny Costanzo : What's wrong with being crazy!

• Ray Hughes : I hate mosquitos. Florida is filled with god damn mosquitos.

  Danny Costanzo : Yeah. It's the humidity I hate.

  Ray Hughes : The only baseball they got down there is Spring Training.

  Danny Costanzo : They don't even have a pro basketball team. Hell, they don't even have thick pizza.

  Ray Hughes : I hate skinny pizza.

  Danny Costanzo : Yeah, you eat too much, you still lose weight.

  Ray Hughes : A lot of old people down there too. Go down there, you get old and die.

  Danny Costanzo : Well, it's a law.

• Det. Tony Montoya : Croissant?

  Danny Costanzo : What Is this some kind of cruelty joke?

  Ray Hughes : No, no, no. We're not working with these2 assholes.

  Det. Frank Sigliano : Listen man, we're not exactly thrilled about slowing down ourselves.

  Det. Tony Montoya : Working with a handicap.

  Ray Hughes : Hey handicap this!