- Police Officer: [just catching Bobby Taylor outside a motel, wearing nothing but a firehouse hose wrapped around him] Hey, buddy... where's the fire?
- Myrna Wong: [exits Kirby's office after tossing him about his office and deliberately tearing her own dress] Excuse me, would someone call the police? I've been assaulted!
- Flora Simpson Reilly: Young lady, will you make another bowl of punch?
- Stella Johnson: [disguised as a waitress, in a black wig and a deep southern accent] Oh, yes ma'am. Right away, ma'am.
- Stella Johnson: [smirks]
- Herbie Maddox: Did you hear the one about the two newborn babies in the nursery? The girl baby says to the boy baby, Are you a boy baby or a girl baby? He says I'm a boy baby. The girl baby says, How do you know you're a boy baby? At that, the boy baby whips back the blankets and says, "See that? Blue booties!"
- Dee Johnson: [looking at her reflection, in the mirror, just after Alice Finely's completed her make-over; she looks beautiful] Is that me?
- Alice Finely: Well, it ain't Dracula's daughter, baby!
- Dee Johnson: Mama, is that really me?
- Stella Johnson: [weeping tears of joy & happiness, of her daughter's new ideal look] It always was you, honey! It always was you!
- Alice Finely: [Just as Stella came up with a scheme to Kirby Baker, after he raised her house mortgage and tax extremely high, trying to force Stella out of Harper Valley] Where are you going?
- Stella Johnson: I'm off to get me something Chinese. And I don't mean Chop Suey!
- Alice Finely: [to Stella, pointing to the back seat of her car before they go out to deal with Otis Harper, Junior] We've got a passenger.
- Dee Johnson: I thought you could use some help.
- Stella Johnson: You know?
- Dee Johnson: I kind of figured it out.
- Stella Johnson: [giving up] Well, welcome aboard the Harper Valley steamroller!
- Stella Johnson: [to Dee about her maturing appearance] When God gives you that kind of equipment, you've just gotta relax and appreciate it.
- Willa Mae Jones: [to her all female class students, just before showing the film on sex education, that Stella Johnson and Alice Finely spliced it with clips of Willa Mae Jones] If any of you think that sex is a laughing matter, wait until you get married!
- Flora Simpson Reilly: [during a Harper Valley P. T. A. meeting, immediately after Kirby Baker was framed and jailed] It is time, to fight fire, with fire.
- [as Alice Finley and Stella Johnson wait to trap Miss. Olive Glover, at Seattle Slew's horse stable and they smell the strong horse dung odor]
- Alice Finely: It ain't exactly Chanel Number 5 around here, you know?
- Stella Johnson: You said it!
- Dee Johnson: [questioning the Harper Valley P. T. A. postponing the beginning of the election] I refer to the minutes of September 8th, 1968, wherein this board was first elected.
- Stella Johnson: [before the PTA Board and attending parents] You wrote me a letter I'd like to reply to in public. You say I'm not fit to live in this fine American town... that I don't come up to your standards of whatever you consider decent. Well...
- [she throws her purse down on her seat and turns to face the audience]
- Stella Johnson: I am here to call a few kettles black!
- Stella Johnson: [to Mrs. Taylor, about her husband Bobby's lecherous advances] If I were you, Holly, I'd have taken this man in and had him neutered!
- Stella Johnson: [at the end of her exposure of the PTA Board] Aw, let's face it! this here's just a little Peyton Place and you're all a bunch of Harper Valley hypocrites!
- [she storms out, followed by her daughter]
- Dee Johnson: [voice-over, writing in her diary about her mother's exposure of the PTA Board] I'm sure it may leave us at the bottom of the town's popularity poll, but that'll teach 'em not to screw around with my mama!
- Reilly twin: [Dee has been talking to Carlyle] You'd better watch who you converse with, Carlyle... I hear it's catching.
- Stella Johnson: [Alice has just fixed her an "Alice Special"] That tastes like raw eggs and Kool-Ade!
- Alice Finely: It is! With a shot of bourbon.
- Herbie Maddox: [talking about Skeeter's disappearance] Skeeter is so predictable. Two beers, he goes home to his wife. Three beers, he goes home to his mother-in-law. Four beers, he goes -...
- Alice Finely: Herbie!
- Stella Johnson: Damn, damn, damn!
- Alice Finely: That bad, eh?
- [as Alice Finely read the letter, Stella Johnson lowered her head and quietly wept, of the threat of her daughter, Dee Johnson, possibly being expelled from the Harper Valley Junior High School]
- Alice Finely: [Alice and Stella have just dumped Seattle Slew's manure over Miss Olive Glover, just after getting Miss. Olive Glover's purse away from her in her automobile] Let's see her come out of this one, smelling like a rose!