The Passionate Plumber (1932)
Buster Keaton: Elmer E. Tuttle
Photos
Quotes
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Tony Lagorce : [meeting for a duel with Elmer] Anything! Swords. Pistols. I don't care. I'll kill him anyway.
McCracken : What's the difference? Swords, pi...
Elmer : Satisfy both sides. Let him have a sword and I'll use a pistol.
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Nina Estrados : And what are you in this place?
Elmer : Who, me?
Nina Estrados : Yes, you!
Elmer : I'm just a jugolo.
Nina Estrados : What?
Elmer : I'm a fella that goes around makin' women want other men.
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Elmer : [posing as a doctor] There's something wrong with my telescope.
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Elmer : Do you know anything about firearms?
McCracken : Sure. I was shot three times in the Argonne.
Elmer : Well, look, I gotta invention. Its my own invention, you see. Its a spot shot pistol. You squeeze the handle and it throws a spot out so you can see where you're shootin' at night.
McCracken : Gee, that's miraculous. Miraculous!
Elmer : I'm gonna demonstrate it if I can to General Bouschay and maybe the French Army will adopt it.
McCracken : Marvelous! Say, it'll be the makin's of ya. It'll be the greatest invention since Einstein discovered them relatives.
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Patricia : Now you listen to me, you wrecked my car and you're going to pay for it. Do you understand that?
Elmer : Oh, I understand that, but, I don't understand how? Maybe I give you back a little at a time - say, two francs a week.
Patricia : That would take exactly fourteen hundred and forty-three years and I don't care to wait that long.
Elmer : Well, some weeks I can give you three francs.
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Elmer : Say, if your pipes ever freeze or you need your shower fixed, I'll do it for nothin'. Isn't there something I can do for ya?
Patricia : Yes, there is! You look like a man who can be depended upon. If you made a promise, you'd go through with it, wouldn't you? Well, now this is what I want you to do for me. I want you to stand between me and Tony Lagorce. I want you to act as my lover.
Elmer : Oh, I couldn't charge for that!
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Elmer : I'll help ya. But, I don't know exactly what you want me to do?
Patricia : I'll tell you exactly what I want you to do. I want you to stand between me and Tony Lagorce. If I try to go to him, hold me back. Use force, if necessary.
Elmer : Oh, I couldn't do that. I might hurt you.
Patricia : Oh, but you must!
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Tony Lagorce : So, we know the truth! At last!
Patricia : No. No, Tony, I can explain everything, darling...
Tony Lagorce : And You! You made a fool of me for the last time with your lies and your running away.
Patricia : Tony, please!
Tony Lagorce : And all the time you've been in love with this insect! This cockroach! This turtle!
Elmer : Tuttle!
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Aunt Charlotte : Oh, Doctor, tell me the worst.
Elmer : It's worse than I expected.
Aunt Charlotte : What did you expect?
Elmer : The worst.
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Patricia : When I look at you I don't wonder why Tony tried to get rid of you.
Patricia , Nina Estrados : He'd belong to me if you would divorce him. If I would divorce him?
Patricia , Nina Estrados , Elmer : Yes, if you would divorce him!
Patricia : He told me he was married to you.
Nina Estrados : And he told me he was married to you.
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Tony Lagorce : I'm afraid I have misjudged you, Scuttle.
Elmer : Tuttle.
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Elmer : Say, are you married to this Nina Estrados?
Tony Lagorce : Oh, of course not.
Elmer : Then you don't love her?
Tony Lagorce : Who, Nina Estrados? She's just a crazy rattle-crazed Spaniard. The kind of a woman a man finds, fondles, and forgets.
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Elmer : Gee, I wish I could handle women like you do.
Tony Lagorce : Oh, it's an art - if you will take the word of one who has had many, without becoming tied to any.
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Elmer : Do you like fireworks?
Tony Lagorce : Do I like what?
Elmer : Fireworks.
Tony Lagorce : Fireworks - yes, yes, of course, I like fireworks, very much.
Elmer : Well, that's good; cause, we're gonna start with a human Roman candle.
[opens the door and out walks...]
Tony Lagorce : Nina!
Elmer : In the flesh.
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Tony Lagorce : [Tony is strangling Elmer] Tell me! Tell me about the contract! Tell me!
Elmer E. Tuttle : I can't.
Patricia Jardine : You can and you must!
Elmer E. Tuttle : I can't. He's got his thumb in my windpipe.