- Bacon was perfect until the past decade, when some foodie marketer decided it should be trendy and our enthusiasm for it overtook all rational thought. And then manufacturers began to add bacon to beer and toothpaste and condoms and vodka, and suddenly there was a chocolate bacon cheesecake, which I actually paid cold hard cash for last month, and when I took one bite, I thought, okay, that's it, we're all going to hell. Bacon, poor bacon, is proof that if you love something you must set it free - that is, before you add it to chocolate cheesecake.
- [ to three British men who wore 33 pound belly-breast for three months to honor moms] First, a question. Am I the only person who thinks there is something Napoleonic about your quest? After all, Napoleon is the man who famously said, "There is but one step from the sublime to the ridiculous." So what if you're not invading Russia? You are invading the realm of women the world over.
- [on parenting] My son is in grave danger, but not from swing sets, running to the end of the block or taking the subway. No, my son is in danger of his over-protective mother really screwing him up for life...if I need more encouragement to cut the apron strings, there is a study that came out last month in the 'Journal of Marriage and Family' that shows that the amount of time mothers spend with their children between the ages and three an eleven has no impact on how the kids turn out academically, behaviorally or emotionally. So now I'm convinced: if i want Junior to shed his anxieties and eventually go to college, I need to stop watching his every move.
- "In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love." Every year at this time some dusty chamber of my brain unlocks, and out pops those lines from Tennyson. And then I laugh, because I'm neither young nor a man, and in spring my fancy turns to something else altogether: cleaning.
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