- Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
- Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.
- No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.
- Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
- (Advice to parents)"Do not have your child's hair cut by a real hairdresser in a real hairdressing salon. He is, at this point, far too short to be exposed to contempt."
- Spilling your guts is exactly as charming as it sounds.
- My favorite animal is steak.
- Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
- In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
- All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
- Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
- On strategy: Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
- On work: It is not true that there is dignity in all work. Some jobs are definitely better than others.
- On imagination: Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people who could not possibly have met.
- Do you think gay marriage is progress? Are you kidding me? This was one of the good things about being gay. I am stunned that the two greatest desires apparently of people involved in the gay rights movement are gay marriage and gays on the military. Really? To me these are the the two most confining institutions on the planet: people used to pretend to be gay to get out of going into the army.
- When I arrived in New York in 1969, gay bars were illegal, in back rooms, but you could smoke in them. Now gay bars have plate-glass windows, they have valet parking, people sit in the windows, but you have to go outside to smoke.
- [on being interviewed] I love doing this. I love to talk but mostly what I love more than anything in the world is to answer questions. It is my hobby and it's not fun if I know the questions.
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