[on Milton Berle] You know, Milton recently switched from comedy to
drama. Unfortunately, it happened while he was still doing comedy.
[on Mae West] Do you realize that she went through her life without once
having a man say to her, "You remind me of my mother"?
[on Dean Martin] Dean would eat hay if you dipped it in gin.
[on Johnny Carson] He's an Episcopalian - that's an Off-Broadway
Catholic.
[on Ed McMahon] It's good we honor Ed, because I understand that next
week a group of Texas businessmen are going to buy him, tear him down,
and put up a Ramada Inn.
My voice never quite made it through puberty. It has been described as
sounding like a handful of gravel thrown in a Mix-Master.
I didn't get along too well with horses. At the beginning, not too
well; at the end, terrible. I always say that horses are hard in the
middle and dangerous at both ends.
Gene Autry used to ride off into the sunset. Now he owns it.
[repeated line] More fun than being on location with Mary Beth Hughes.
[on Gene Autry's beautiful wife] Gene married a 10. I married three 3s and a 1.