- "Standards have gone to an all-time low and I'm here to represent them." - April 1, 1998 upon announcing his new Saturday night late show on CBS.
- I always resented the label of 'shock jock' that the press came up with for me. Because I never intentionally set out to shock anybody.
- Writing a book just might be the hardest thing I've ever done, besides trying to get laid in college.
- "This country has too many freedoms." (January 2002)
- I've always thought that a name says a lot about a person. So naturally, being named Howard, I always wanted to crawl into a hole.
- On the movie Forrest Gump (1994): I just wish for once Hollywood would make a realistic movie about retarded people, where a retarded guy leaves his house, people stare at him for a while and then lock him up.
- I like music that makes me want to kill myself.
- [on his sex life in high school] "Our rap was that if girls could only look beyond the fact that we didn't have great looks and see that we have great personalities, they would fall in love with us. The truth of the matter was we had really bad personalities in addition to our ugly faces. Even the losers called us losers. And we were."
- I have a tremendous compassion for people who are homosexuals. I feel that they are bullied and abused in our society... They just treat them so poorly. It must be a terrible thing to be exposed to that kind of hatred and be hated just because of your sexuality.
- [When asked about his political leanings] I've voted for some Republicans, too, but I feel like I'm more of a liberal.
- [on French people] There is something about the language that turns you into a pussy-assed jack off. Anybody who speaks French is a scum bag. It turns you into a coward. Just like in World War II, they would not stick up for us. Screw your culture and we're invading you all.
- [on Sam Smith] He's an ugly motherf*cker. He's fat. Is he gay? He looks gay to me, not that anybody looks gay, but he does seem effeminate.
- [on the Columbine High School shooting] There were some really good-looking girls running with their hands over their heads. Did those kids try to have sex with any of those good-looking girls? They didn't even do that? At least if you're going to kill yourself and kill the kids, why wouldn't you have some sex? If I was going to kill some people, I'd take them out with sex.
- [on Selena Quintanilla-Pérez] This music does absolutely nothing for me. Alvin and the Chipmunks have more soul. Spanish people have the worst taste in music. They have no depth.
- The closest I came to making love to a Black woman was I masturbated to a picture of Aunt Jemima on a pancake box. I did it right on her kerchief.
- [on Michael Jackson] First of all, he has thick white makeup on, like Bozo the motherf*cking clown. It's so thick you feel like you could take a hunk of it off and stucco a wall. And there, in the center, is this perfectly square nose, like a scarecrow wrapped in surgical tape. And his nose is wrapped like a mummy's except at the tip. At the end of his nose, the tape is unraveling, so it just sort of hangs. Now, this was weird. Michael has yet to say a word. The tape on his nose is now black because he's been rubbing his nose. The f*cker is melting!
- [on being ignored by Black sportspeople] Yeah, maybe they don't like me. I don't know. I'd like to think it's a White thing, not my personality. I hope it's racial. That's all.
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