2023 movies ranked
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- DirectorJames GunnStarsChris PrattChukwudi IwujiBradley CooperStill reeling from the loss of Gamora, Peter Quill rallies his team to defend the universe and one of their own - a mission that could mean the end of the Guardians if not successful.80/100
Guardians of the galaxy 3 disappointed me
I both expected and wanted it to be bad.
If the last MCU film people were actually looking forward to was bad then it would be that much closer to finally killing the genre
and just because I really liked this movie doesn't mean I have any faith that superhero movies can still be saved.
There's just been too many stinkers back to back to back.
I feel so gay saying this but....this movie is really cute.
its a wholesome feel good movie at the end of the day and I left the theater happy.
Its insane going from watching Quantumania to watching this.
its as if Disney knows they're screwed so just this once they'll give the director freedom to tell the story how HE wants to tell it
BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE'S A TALENTED DIRECTOR AND ITS THEIR LAST IP PEOPLE STILL GIVE A SHIT ABOUT..
Seriously James Gunn is so good at directing that even Chris Pratt's performance is almost believable!
and yes of course since this IS a marvel movie at the end of the day most of the story is predictable and it has alot of unfunny out of place jokes but ill take what I can get damn it this movie is good!
for the first time in years it feels like genuine heart was put into a marvel movie and that the CREATOR was given actual CREAT-ive control.
so much control that there's even a gay joke in here...i know right? CRAZY
Anyway its great performances
great characters
great flashback scenes
great character design
and its awesome hallway fight makes
Guardians of the galaxy officially the only MCU trilogy to stay good the whole way.
not an opinion..its official - DirectorJoaquim Dos SantosKemp PowersJustin K. ThompsonStarsShameik MooreHailee SteinfeldBrian Tyree HenryMiles Morales catapults across the multiverse, where he encounters a team of Spider-People charged with protecting its very existence. When the heroes clash on how to handle a new threat, Miles must redefine what it means to be a hero.78/100
Spider-Man across the spider-verse is the longest animated movie in the history of America. which is kinda sad because its not even a complete story.
yes this is yet ANOTHER "back to back film production this year so the sequel that's releasing next year is most likely already made.
could they really not find an early scene of the next movie that would conclude the story better?
despite this i still really enjoyed it.
while the concept of the multiverse got really overdone by Hollywood this doesn't waste any time with the convoluted exposition and just lets you enjoy the pretty colors
While I still find the purposely choppy animation unnecessary and distracting I still really like the way the film looks and they somehow found a way to NOT fuck up the characters of a pre-covid movie in a post-covid sequel
its insane I know but its actually possible.
they really should have found a way to make the ending more conclusive though. - DirectorChad StahelskiStarsKeanu ReevesLaurence FishburneGeorge GeorgiouJohn Wick uncovers a path to defeating The High Table. But before he can earn his freedom, Wick must face off against a new enemy with powerful alliances across the globe and forces that turn old friends into foes.77/100
This Surely WAS a John Wick movie
it had everything you would expect and more
The Fight choreography is fantastic
the lighting and shots are flawless
the sound mixing is incredible
the actors sell their characters perfectly
(minus Keanu and Donnie) they still give great PSYSICAL performances though.
and most importantly its poorly written
Keanu conveniently doesn't kill the dog man despite the fact that he kills everyone that's after him BUT YOU DONT UNDERSTAND
He HAD to spare the dog man so that he could be saved by him later!
they also almost completely forget about the ending to john wick 3 which was frustrating
I mean he DID kill the elder but they replaced him immediately...so..is that all you wanted to do!?
I thought they were gonna completely destroy the high table
don't end the third movie like that if all he was insinuating was to kill a single person that is easily expendable!
Now I know this doesn't make sense when I say it outload but I mean it when I say the story sucking is just a minor nitpick.
it was a far bigger problem in the previous instalments due to them having a lot less action.
but I can safely say that about a good 2/3rds of the movie is purely fight scenes.
and top tier fightscenes at that
it feels like they try to up the ante every single time to the point where the stuff he endures is downright ridiculous to SURVIVE IN GENERAL let alone be walking normally in the next scene
John Wick's definitely not dead though don't even try
I mean a 5th John Wick is publicly in development for Christ's sake! - DirectorGareth EdwardsStarsJohn David WashingtonMadeleine Yuna VoylesGemma ChanAgainst the backdrop of a war between humans and robots with artificial intelligence, a former soldier finds the secret weapon, a robot in the form of a young child.70/100
The creator is a Sci-fi epic that just BARELY misses the mark. it has all the assets to make a movie great. it has good performances' decent character dynamics' and fantastic effects done with 1/3rd the budget of the typical MCU shlock. but its missing the thing all great epic's have. their trademark massive runtime. sure the film's still 130 minutes but the story still cant manage to have much time to breathe. that makes a lot of its impactfulness not live up to its full potential. We arrived late to the theater so my issues could just be because I had to do the multitasking of "absorbing new information" and "trying to fill in the gaps that missing the opening created" so take my criticisms with a grain of salt. ill probably watch it again when its free. - DirectorAaron HorvathMichael JelenicPierre LeducStarsChris PrattAnya Taylor-JoyCharlie DayA plumber named Mario travels through an underground labyrinth with his brother Luigi, trying to save a captured princess.70/100
The Super Mario Bros Movie was not what I was expecting at all.
its basically a kid friendly version of Mad Max Fury Road in how its just nonstop action and eye candy.
not to say its even close to as good.
there's not a single minute of screen time that does NOT have characters running away from something in spectacularly animated fashion with excellent sound mixing and beautiful imagery.....or at least it SEEMS that way due to nothing being in the slightest bit developed.
It doesn't even try.
And honestly I think that's why I like it alot more than I thought.
If it actually tried to be a "movie" then all of its glaring flaws would bother me alot more liiiike
its mediocre sense of humor
The longest scene of character development being 30 fucking seconds!
Peach being a complete Marry Sue and her making every other character practically useless due to how perfect she is.
Its soundtrack just being blatant fanservice EXECPT for the couple of random ass licensed 80s hits it threw in for no reason (especially "Holding out for a hero" bitch you dont need a hero!
the only reason you don't take out bowsers entire army by yourself is because you're afraid they'll hurt your toads!
my point is the movie doesn't give you time to be annoyed by it
which is honestly an interesting tactic if must must MUST make a movie that's not good.
they probably should have added an extra half an hour of NOT action so they could TRULY make it a classic
but yet again they'd most likely screw it up if they attempted to add an actual story - DirectorLee CroninStarsMirabai PeaseRichard CrouchleyAnna-Maree ThomasA twisted tale of two estranged sisters whose reunion is cut short by the rise of flesh-possessing demons, thrusting them into a primal battle for survival as they face the most nightmarish version of family imaginable.70/100
Evil Dead Rise is a fun' gory' albeit generic horror movie. It of course has the fakeouts, the jumpscare sound whenever the lamest thing happens, and the ITS NOT OVER ending. But when the third act comes around it just goes all out. No more bullshit. I'm not usually one for just wanting the violence but with Evil Dead the more I think of the lore the more stupid it is. Which is fine with the older ones since they were purposely silly but this one takes itself very seriously. I'm amazed just how great this film looks. and with a budget that's over 10 times cheaper than the average CGI shlock I'm wondering why people even use CGI anymore. I used to think practical effects were more expensive but clearly not. This might not mean much but I think this is the best horror movie of the decade so far. - DirectorBill BurrStarsBill BurrBobby CannavaleBokeem WoodbineThree best friends become fathers later in life and find themselves battling preschool principals, millennial CEOs, and anything created after 1987.69/100
Old dads is the directorial debut of that guy that's in a lot of YouTube shorts that randomly get recommended to me and I keep clicking on because I like his voice. And honestly he has a lot of potential. not only as a filmmaker but also as a leading man. he'll most likely only play grumpy old men but he plays the role very well. some of its jokes can be annoyingly unsubtle but its still a charming comedy overall. and hey! Elvis the alien said it was "out of touch" and "tired" so you KNOW its at the very least the best one of the year. - DirectorChristopher McQuarrieStarsTom CruiseHayley AtwellVing RhamesEthan Hunt and his IMF team must track down a dangerous weapon before it falls into the wrong hands.69/100
Mission impossible is the third film series this year to do the whole sequel part 1 crap. Is this becoming a trend? I sure as hell hope not. You're not a miniseries you're a movie. stop wasting everyone's time! So just like all other "sequel part 1 movies" its biggest flaw is that its incomplete. apparently everyone had a very tough time even getting this made which makes sense cause there's a lot of moments in the film that just feels....off. alot of the shots' music' and even dialogue at times seems weirdly unprofessional. The last one had one of the greatest fight scenes I've seen in any movie
(and I'm sure everyone that's scene it knows exactly what I'm talking about)
and I was very disappointed that nothing even came close to that here. The ads kept saying that Tom cruise outdid himself once again and he really didn't. Dude should really stop dying his hair. I'm also not a fan of the story at all. they just went full on sci-fi here which is just weird. at the end of the day its mission impossible and that alone guarantees quality but its definitely not one of the better ones. - DirectorMartin ScorseseStarsLeonardo DiCaprioRobert De NiroLily GladstoneWhen oil is discovered in 1920s Oklahoma under Osage Nation land, the Osage people are murdered one by one - until the FBI steps in to unravel the mystery.65/100
Killers of the flower moon is the longest non Extended cut movie I've ever seen running in at a foreskin blistering 206 minutes! but I was still up to it because this is Martin Scorsese. The Wolf of Wall Street and The Departed are ALSO quite lengthy films but thanks to Martin's excellence in pacing and style not a minute of them felt slow or boring. However that's not the case in this one. the film could easily have over an hour of detective scenes taken out and the ending would be just as impactful. What happens too the main characters is far more interesting than the slow boring question asking process that must happen before. However if they removed all unnecessary scenes then I'm pretty sure Steve Witting would no longer be in the movie which would suck cause this guy starred in a crappy FMV game that shaped my childhood and he deserves more roles! but yeah seeing him in a movie this big especially with a role that decent in size' really threw me off guard' cause he's had almost nothing to show for his career for nearly 40 years. We will get you that Oscar Steve and you will finally be a star! - DirectorAndy MuschiettiStarsEzra MillerMichael KeatonSasha CalleBarry Allen uses his super speed to change the past, but his attempt to save his family creates a world without super heroes, forcing him to race for his life in order to save the future.64/100
The Flash NO NOT THAT THE FLASH surprisingly wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. And yes I watched it in theaters I'm not gonna just NOT watch something because the star is a bad person in real life IM NOT A LIBERAL. its a lot like multiverse of madness in how its rules are very convoluted and make less and less sense the more you think about them. But unlike multiverse of madness this one has actual heart. So if you give up trying to follow the multiverse bullshit you're actually left with something. now what you're left with isn't great. the CGI is full on video game graphics and the ending in particular is really freakin stupid. But its a modern DC movie that has competent actors and actually takes itself seriously. and especially nowadays that's good enough for me. That ending is really really bad though. Barry acts like he learned a valuable lesson so then proceeds to do the exact thing he learned NOT to do. I guess he thought Its changing to much if he save his mom but not the same damn thing if he saves his dad. - DirectorSam FellStarsThandiwe NewtonZachary LeviBella RamseyHaving pulled off an escape from Tweedy's farm, Ginger has found a peaceful island sanctuary for the whole flock. But back on the mainland the whole of chicken-kind faces a new threat, and Ginger and her team decide to break in.64/100 Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget is a (who would have guessed) very unnecessary sequel but its entertaining and harmless. it does that thing that very late animated sequels do where a lot of the older character tag along but don't do anything. and if they do its always something that could have easily been written to another one. They really gotta get better writers over at Arrdman. the jokes are so overdone and basic that they're almost charming in some nostalgic way. its almost like they used a top 10 list of most used jokes in cartoons as a checklist. Supposedly Arrdman is only making one more film after this and they're running out of time to get their heads straight for a true swansong. their new stuff is still charming, I like the silly mouths, but the writing has definitely taken a hit.
- DirectorYuval AdlerStarsNicolas CageJoel KinnamanAlexis ZollicofferAfter being forced to drive a mysterious passenger at gunpoint, a man finds himself in a high-stakes game of cat and mouse where it becomes clear that not everything is as it seems.64/100
Sympathy for the Devil is an average thriller made up for with good performances. Nic Cage plays a freaking anime villian with his red hair and constant pseudointellectual dialogue but it works. they most likely wrote the character for Nic cage in mind hell half his modern movies do that already. its cheesy' its competent' it doesn't overstay its welcome - DirectorNiki CaroStarsJennifer LopezLucy PaezOmari HardwickWhile fleeing from dangerous assailants, an assassin comes out of hiding to protect the daughter she left earlier in life.63/100
I originally watched The Mother NO NOT THAT THE MOTHER thinking it would be funny bad after seeing its the first words of its Netflix description at the time
"military-trained assassin Jennifer Lopez" that's all I needed to hear to start sniggering. But surprisingly enough she gives a pretty good performance. I especially liked how they made her physical ability realistic and didn't make her a complete marry sue. sadly since this movie isn't good there's barely any hand to hand fight scenes. I've yet to see a non marry sue movie have a fight scene where the woman is clearly weaker than who she's fighting but smarter. and I was hoping there would be one here but that would take alot of thought on how she'd get the upper hand and as I said this movie isn't good. it is okay though - DirectorJohn WooStarsJoel KinnamanKid CudiHarold TorresA grieving father enacts his long-awaited revenge against a ruthless gang on Christmas Eve.63/100
Good to know all genres are covered for the no dialogue gimmick. Silent Night (no not that Silent night OR that Silent night OOR that Silent night OOOOOOOORRRR that silent night) is a generic action movie that attempts to have you look past its basicor than basic storyline with its artsy choices. but unlike NOWSY i think its gimmick doesn't ruin its potential as much. mainly because I'm certain the fight scenes would have music if it weren't for it. the movie's already cheesy but if it had no dialogue AND played music during its fightscenes that would just be unrealistically cheesy. But an action movie that lets you soak in the action without telling you how to feel with music is very rare to come by nowadays and the absence made the slightly above average fight choreography worthy of having me at the edge of my seat. I'm not sure if suffering through the first half is worth it but the film turned me around by the end. - DirectorJosh GreenbaumStarsWill FerrellJamie FoxxIsla FisherAn abandoned dog teams up with other strays to get revenge on his former owner.63/100
I have no defense for putting Strays this high. I admit 100% I am biased. its just an early 2000s talking dog movie with the gimmick of saying fuck every single sentence. I only unironically laughed twice but I still had a blast watching it. its a combination of me growing up with these types of movies and....no that's about it. don't trust my opinion. this could be the least funny movie of all time and I'd still enjoy it. I like dogs! - DirectorFrancis LawrenceStarsRachel ZeglerTom BlythViola DavisCoriolanus Snow mentors and develops feelings for the female District 12 tribute during the 10th Hunger Games.62/100 The Hunger Games The Ballad of Songbirds & snakes at the Sochi 2014 Olympic winter games is yet another prequel no one asked for of a series that was concluded forever ago. However this is one of the rare cases of a franchise revival that makes you forget it was ever gone. Despite Hollywood changing a hell of a lot in the last 8 years This remains uncorrupted and maintains the look and feel of the rest of the series. Its just a shame that they didn't choose a BETTER series. Yes it feels like a genuine hunger games film. but that also means it has the bad things the series has had consistently throughout its life. Like its r/im14andthisisdeep' dialogue
- DirectorPeter SohnStarsLeah LewisMamoudou AthieRonnie Del CarmenFollows Ember and Wade, in a city where fire-, water-, earth- and air-residents live together.62/100 I don't feel like factchecking this but I'm almost certain that every single original worker at Pixar is gone. or at least it feels that way. Most of their biggest hits followed similar concepts. They take something from everyday life and shows their perspective on our world. but who ever pitched the idea of elemental made the same mistake as the guy behind cars. they remember that Pixar takes simple things and humanizes them' but they didn't remember that what makes them work so well is that its still in our world. Pixar's downfall has gotten to the point where its not even surprising anymore so i start viewing their movies as regular ol children's movies instead of holding my expectations to a higher regard. and with that said Elemental is okay...also i friggin called it! Ever since I saw that blue femboy on the poster I knew that his voice actor would be terrible. and would you believe it I was right. Most of the actors were bad but he was by far the worst. Some character designs just scream bad voice acting I don't know why. For the love of god hollywood start hiring VOICE actors for your ANIMATED movies again!
- DirectorJames WanStarsJason MomoaPatrick WilsonYahya Abdul-Mateen IIBlack Manta seeks revenge on Aquaman for his father's death. Wielding the Black Trident's power, he becomes a formidable foe. To defend Atlantis, Aquaman forges an alliance with his imprisoned brother. They must protect the kingdom.62/100 Aquaman and the lost kingdom is the final film of the DCEU and despite my expectations it actually turned out to be one of the better ones this year. Story' character and dialogue-wise its a very by the books superhero flick but what saves it is its attempt at being a fantasy epic. As i said I'm a sucker for epics so all the different monsters' colorful landscapes' and sexualized fish make it alot less forgettable than it would be otherwise. the Marvel humor is slightly less constant which is nice but make no mistake this movie is not good' its just entertaining eye candy. Amber Heard has barely any lines despite being in alot of the movie. She just stands there like a bimbo! Its very clear they took out her lines in the last minute as a desperate attempt to not get the sheeple booing in the theater but keeping her character there on mute is just kinda awkward. but funny with the context.
- DirectorBenjamin RennerGuylo HomsyStarsKumail NanjianiTresi GazalElizabeth BanksA family of ducks try to convince their overprotective father to go on the vacation of a lifetime.So is Illumination just going to overcompensate their nonstories with great cinematography and audio now? I mean if that's all you can get right then go for it I guess. At least there's more to enjoy than the typical modern kids film that way. and it would definitely give them their own identity which they've lacked for so very long with each and every film looking like it was made by a different company. Migration is the first Illumination film that has the overall life essence of their previous one. make no mistake it doesn't have the same story as the Mario Movie but it has the same unnecessarily cinematic presentation. I wouldn't say its as good though because it also tries to have that wholesome heartwarming family roadtrip storyline so it fails in more aspects. Its also way to short.
- DirectorJames MangoldStarsHarrison FordPhoebe Waller-BridgeAntonio BanderasArchaeologist Indiana Jones races against time to retrieve a legendary artifact that can change the course of history.61/100
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny may have not been a letdown for most people but it was for me because I liked kingdom of the crystal skull. I'm not gonna beat around the bush and just say what everyone else already said. British lady sucks. and what bothers me most is that if they must must MUST have a female character that exists to outshine the main character. Why choose This woman!? she doesn't have a single ounce of muscle on her' She's not pretty' she sure as hell isn't funny' and she has no brand recognition. NO ONE EVEN KNOWS WHO SHE IS! There's plenty of built women in Hollywood that would be easily less ridiculous to see in action. Not to the extent of canonically having stronger punches than a 7 foot bodybuilder (yes that actually happens) but enough to put it on par with Hollywood's other Marry Sues. Her action scenes are so unconvincing that even 80 year old Harrison Ford's stunts are more impressive. and speaking of the devil - Harrison Ford is easily the best part of the movie (which I know sounds like a dumb thing to say but he's barely even a main character so it stands out) not only does the old bastard do alot of his stunts extremely well for his age. But he actually gives a good performance-well...the best he can for such a mediocre script. It really sucks that the last series he actually cared about has to end like this. But its not for his lack of trying. - DirectorAndré ØvredalStarsCorey HawkinsAisling FranciosiLiam CunninghamA crew sailing from Varna (Bulgaria) by the Black Sea to England find that they are carrying very dangerous cargo.61/100 The Last Voyage of the Demeter is described by the director as "alien on a boat" so if the creator himself is that unenthusiastic then that's proof enough that the movie isn't anything special. it had a bit going for it. its a good LOOKING movie (Dracula's design in particular is freakin awesome) and it even got me to care about a couple of the characters which is rare in horror movies. but it sadly gets dragged back down to upper middle class territory with its insistency on being a horror movie. by definition a horror movie is "a sequelbait movie with dozens of minutes dedicated to waiting for obnoxious jumpscare sounds. and this is no different.
- DirectorAntoine FuquaStarsDenzel WashingtonDakota FanningEugenio MastrandreaRobert McCall finds himself at home in Southern Italy but he discovers his friends are under the control of local crime bosses. As events turn deadly, McCall knows what he has to do: become his friends' protector by taking on the mafia.61/100
Funny story' me and my family were gonna watch Retribution but somehow my dad thought I wanted tickets to The Equalizer 3 even though none of us including him have ever seen the first 2. So I can really only judge this as a standalone film which I know isn't really fair but if I just watch the first 2 on streaming services I'd still have to watch this one again to see how it holds up and I NEVER EVEN WANTED TO SEE THIS! plus I'd say the possibility of me thinking its worse due to not watching it as a sequel is almost as high as the possibility of it being better. Its possible that it could ALSO go back on things the series already established so shut up people that dont exist! this is MY list! anyway as a standalone movie its really only average. sure it has good performances and a decent shot here and there but the action just dosent fit it. not only is there very little but when there IS he's a complete Gary Stu and he's never really in any danger. all the baddies tremble beneath the feet of this overweight out of shape man pushing 70! the only hit he ever takes is from a freaking child! - DirectorZack SnyderStarsSofia BoutellaDjimon HounsouEd SkreinWhen a peaceful settlement on the edge of a distant moon finds itself threatened by a tyrannical ruling force, a stranger living among its villagers becomes their best hope for survival.61/100 You know what pisses me off? when a movie gets its directors cut announced before the damn thing's even out! "yeah watch Rebel Moon - A Child of Fire I'm so proud of it but also its butchered and I'm gonna release the real version later but please watch it its so good I'm so proouud of it!" I probably should have just waited but I'm too much of a sucker for epic's and holy crap! If over half of your movie is the RPG party going from planet to planet picking up recruits (who OF COURSE are all humans) then you better make them developed. the upcoming 3 hour version might give it enough time to not make the characters the bare minimum but I wouldn't bet on it. I do KNOW that it will not fix the very Zack Snydery fight scenes though.
- DirectorSteven Caple Jr.StarsAnthony RamosDominique FishbackLuna Lauren VelezDuring the '90s, a new faction of Transformers - the Maximals - join the Autobots as allies in the battle for Earth.61/100
Transformers rise of the beasts is the 7th entry into Michael Bay's not so beloved franchise BUT WITH A TWIST!. The human characters are now black. So of course that's means it'll play black music every 10 minutes (hey don't be mad at me its Hollywood that associates black people with shitty rap) I'm not the offended type but ill pretend to be just because I hate rap and want movies to stop having it. During the climax of the film you hear some rapper go OH..GOD ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN.....OH..GOD ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN.....OH..GOD ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN. I also love how people hated Megan fox for being a bimbo that cant act when her replacement here is much worse. Anyway its still Giant robots punching other Giant robots with unaware corny dialogue so I enjoyed it. Supposedly it messes with its own series canon but who the hell cares? - DirectorLouis LeterrierStarsVin DieselMichelle RodriguezJason StathamDom Toretto and his family are targeted by the vengeful son of drug kingpin Hernan Reyes.61/100
Another fast and furious another anti-continuity name
not a single entry in the franchise has the pattern of name as the last its almost comical
the first one was called the fast and the furious right?
okay well instead of just calling the sequel "the fast and the furious 2" they called it 2 fast 2 furious
very clever guys
okay and now the third one takes a casual approach for sequel naming by calling it the name of the original and then a new title after to differentiate it
okay and now the forth one just reuses the originals name and gets rid of both of the the's
why!?
if your movie title has 2 THEs in it people will most likely just skip saying them anyway!
if my mom asks me if I want to watch fast and furious how do i know whether to say "no not really" or "no not really"!?
okay and now the 5th one finally added a number to the title. but they got rid of the words "the and the furious"
Fast five........wow.........
okay and now the 6ixth for the first and only time recycles a previous name
Fast and furious 6
which it still dosent have the THEs but its good enough
it makes sense
jesus christ!
okay so are they NOW gonna start naming them normally?
no cause as i said not a single one lines up with the last the next one is called FURIOUS 7
that's right Fast 5 wasn't furious it was just fast
this one however is very slow
it must be!
now get this...the next one finally returns the 2 THEs but not without adding its own twist.
the 8th one is called The FATE and the furious.
nothing about the movie has anything to do with fate by the way.
next up is Fast and Furious presents Hobbes & Shaw.
what?.......
are they pretending that's what the name of the company?
or are they trying to say that its not cannon while still trying to sell it as it is like
National lampoon or American pie
that would fit in to the name of the next one which brings back the number but its not a 10
despite it being the 10th one
its called F9.............yeah.......like the key with a magnifying glass.
and yes like i said the newest one has its own twist too...it uses a roman numeral.
those clever beasts what will they come up with next!?
the series has gotten so mindless and braindead that i found it more fun talking about the names then even trying to explain how stupid it is.
the series practically has dozens of main characters at this point so the movie has no idea what to do with any of them
they completely changed John Cenas character into a big silly goofball Because of course they did
every character played by a wwe man needs to be comic relief its a law.
the ending was really stupid
do they really expect anyone above the age of 10 to believe that even a single one the main characters are gonna die? or even care?
this was the first fast and furious movie ive seen in theaters and i can now understand why people find them so appealing
when the characters shut the hell up and start doing ridiculous CGI car battles its a freakin blast.
the surround sound in the theater is a hoot
the soundtrack still sucks all kind of ass though
but that's a given - DirectorRob SavageStarsSophie ThatcherChris MessinaVivien Lyra BlairStill reeling from the tragic death of their mother, a teenage girl and her younger sister find themselves plagued by a sadistic presence in their house and struggle to get their grieving father to pay attention before it's too late.61/100 The Boogeyman no not that The Boogeyman is the latest Steven King adaptation and due to Hollywood heavily losing interest in his work you know what that means.....THATS RIGHT this is yet even aNOTHER supernatural horror movie. it does the same thing every ghost movie since the dawn of ghost movies do. its a tad less boring than The Nun II and it has some cool creature design at least.
- DirectorJason ShwartzStarsJulio TorresPatti HarrisonChris ParnellAfter losing his job, wife, and son due to what he believes is evil Millennial culture, John vows to hunt down each and every Millennial.61/100
Millennial Hunter is a animated Tubi Original by the same director behind Pastacolypse! and judging by its name I assumed it would be a safe satire on old Christians hating us youngins. But while it does poke fun at old people it makes millennial jokes a lot more. but not too much more where it seems far right. still explains why the only streaming service that picked it up is the same that snatched Cool cat. It's sense of humor is a bit too one note at times and the small production value and short runtime doesn't give much of them any room to breathe. but with that said I wouldn't say its..UNfunny. It got me to laugh out loud once which is pretty rare for animated movies. Not a bad way to waste 70 minutes - DirectorBrian DuffieldStarsKaitlyn DeverElizabeth KaluevZack DuhameAn exiled anxiety-ridden homebody must battle an alien who's found its way into her home.60/100 No one will save you was heavily marketed with it having very few lines of dialogue which made me skeptical that it would be nothing more than a cheap gimmick so film journalists would talk about it and after seeing it I can pretty much confirm that its exactly that. I never would have thought a lack of talking could be annoying in a film but I didn't think of supernatural horror movies when I totally actually had that thought in the past. There's a scene where the main character is about to talk but immediately gets spit at. Then an officer comes to comfort her and he said "....a...........sigh" the reasons the characters don't talk isn't natural in the slightest. The film gets a lot better in the last 20 minutes but that doesn't make up for the sheer boringness of the first hour. its basically the same "slowly walking around a dark house waiting for the loud noise" you'd find in every other supernatural flick. Except now you don't get dialogue in-between those scenes due to its forced gimmick.
- DirectorJohn Francis DaleyJonathan GoldsteinStarsChris PineMichelle RodriguezRegé-Jean PageA charming thief and a band of unlikely adventurers embark on an epic quest to retrieve a lost relic, but things go dangerously awry when they run afoul of the wrong people.60/100
Guardians of the Dragons Infinity Squad
is Hollywoods latest attempt to change a non comic book property into a superhero movie.
And they did it at quite the bad time.
Sure It most likely started production when Marvel was on top of the world but movies can take a long time to make. And a hell of alot can happen in that time. Liiiiiike superhero movies being on their deathbed.
its so painfully obvious they were trying to be marvel.
they have the flawless marry sue
that at the very least is jacked this time
so its a little more believable that she can beat up a large group of people.
they have a forced unfunny joke in-between every single line of dialogue
they have the self aware dialogue poking fun at its own lore to keep it safe from criticism
they have the post credits scene that continues a gag just to remind you how funny the movie is.
They have a its Guardians of the galaxy esk "lets all get together to show that we're a team now" scene
And most importantly!
They have an Avengers Hulk Smash moment!
The plot
The plot progression
the characters
the character dynamics
the character development
are ALL bland as marvel
marvel being sin but everyone already knows that.
I'm not a huge lord of the rings fan
all the "because magic" moments makes it so I cant take the story very seriously
But why I like it is its world.
but you can never soak the world in because its been hidden with its baby pleasing pacing and unfunny jokes
also everyone in this film (hero or villian) are all humans.
The closest we get to a fantasy esk character is A HUMAN WHO CLAIMS TO BE ONLY HALF HUMAN and A SMAALLL HUMAN
if the only thing you have above what your copying is looking prettier then damn it I want more interesting looking characters!
I don't think this is doing well in the box office so thankfully i doubt it will become a franchise - DirectorChris McKayStarsNicholas HoultNicolas CageAwkwafinaRenfield, Dracula's tortured henchman, is forced to capture prey for his master and do his every bidding. But now, after centuries of servitude, Renfield is ready to see if there is a life outside his boss's shadow.60/100 Renfield was advertised as the first direct follow-up to the original Dracula (even though its public domain so I highly doubt it) Strange though cause I don't remember Marvel humor and big CGI fights in the original Dracula. no I haven't actually seen it but shut up! Hollywood really only seems to use Nic Cage to lazily cash in on the memes but strangely enough he was actually the best part of it. Renfield's DeadPool style commentary is very annoying but its still no near as bad as Awkwafina. This time around she doesn't play the quirky comic relief she usually does NONO! This time she attempts (and fails) to play an angry badass cop and I might just hate that even more.
- DirectorAngel Manuel SotoStarsXolo MaridueñaBruna MarquezineBecky GAn alien scarab chooses Jaime Reyes to be its symbiotic host, bestowing the recent college graduate with a suit of armor that's capable of extraordinary powers, forever changing his destiny as he becomes the superhero known as Blue Beetle.60/100 Blue Spider-man is Yet another attempt by dc to make their own Spider-Man. its crystal clear down from his childish snarky attitude' his suit's extra bug legs' his suit trying to kill people while he doesn't want to' even the robotic female voice his suit has is practically identical. why is it that all these DCEU films still have after credits that tease sequels? its already been confirmed the DCEU wont see another year! in fact since that's the case shouldn't these final movies take the risks that get movies to actually be interesting and remembered? they have nothing to lose! so why finish the series off with these safe forgettable pieces of shlock? anyway i liked George Lopez
- DirectorAlberto CorredorStarsFreya AllanJeremy IrvineRuby BarkerA young woman inherits a run-down pub and discovers a dark secret within its basement - Baghead - a shape-shifting creature that will let you speak to lost loved ones, but not without consequence.
- DirectorMichael ChavesStarsTaissa FarmigaJonas BloquetStorm Reid1956 - France. A priest is murdered. An evil is spreading. The sequel to the worldwide smash hit follows Sister Irene as she once again comes face-to-face with Valak, the demon nun.59/100 The Nun II is the 9th film in the conjuring universe and I am very tired. Not just of Conjuring movies but ghost movies in general. at this point these are nothing but multimillion dollar mind games. many lengthy scenes of a character looking around a dark room' each one having the jumpscare play at a different time. hopefully ONE of the loud noises will jump you if they keep doing it at random. Its so lazy and so much of the film is just that. thankfully (like alot of these movies) the third act gives up all the false tension nonsense and just goes full creature feature. its alot better when it does that but its still just a generic factory made product.
- DirectorScott WaughStarsJackie ChanJohn CenaChunrui MaTwo ex-special forces soldiers must escort a group of civilians along Baghdad's "Highway of Death" to the safety of the Green Zone.57/100 Hidden Strike is Jackie Chan's first American movie since 2017. And supposedly the reason he's stayed away from Hollywood for so long was because he was sick of receiving the same roles again and again. the role being the Badass Asian guy who co-stars a goofball that he has to learn to get along with. this started with him costarring Chris tucker three times' then Owen Wilson twice' and then finally Johnny Knoxville was the straw that broke the camels back and made him sick of it. but would you believe it he's back and now he plays a badass that has to team up with a goofball that he has to learn to get along with (this time John Cena) its poorly written and acted but as usual the action scenes are the highlight. this dude is in his 60s and he's STILL moving like a stuntman in his prime! however he's clearly a lot slower and more limited than he was in the 90s. My point still stands because 90s Jackie didn't act like a stuntman at all that guy was frickin supernatural.
- DirectorPierre MorelStarsJohn CenaAlison BrieJuan Pablo RabaAn ex-special forces operative takes a job to provide security for a journalist as she interviews a dictator, but when a military coup breaks out in the middle of the interview, they are forced to escape into the jungle.
- DirectorScott BeckBryan WoodsStarsAdam DriverAriana GreenblattChloe ColemanAn astronaut crash lands on a mysterious planet only to discover he's not alone.56/100 65 is the first big budget live action dinosaur movie that's not a sequel to Jurassic Park in over a decade...Saying that out loud it doesn't sound very special anymore. I was very confused about the premise. I thought for the longest time that the film had time travel due to everything being so futuristic in a prehistoric setting (that and the movie only says the time period AFTER they crash-land on the planet) but I guess not. Which fixes the plothole I thought the film had of his daughter sending him messages from the future. But what we get instead makes just as much sense so either way the movie is dumb. I liked the set design and the acting for the most part was good but that's not enough to save it from its awful script.
- DirectorJeremy GarelickStarsAdam SandlerJennifer AnistonMark StrongFull-time detectives Nick and Audrey are struggling to get their private eye agency off the ground. They find themselves at the center of international abduction when their friend Maharaja is kidnapped at his own lavish wedding.56/100
Murder Mystery 2 is an inoffensive action movie attempt by good ol Happy Maddison
And it might not be funny in the slightest
and edited like a YouTube video with a budget
but at least its short and never wastes anytime
so that alone makes it better than half the superhero movies this year
it was worse than the first though
That's really all i have to say
okay next - DirectorBen WheatleyStarsJason StathamJing WuShuya Sophia CaiA research team encounters multiple threats while exploring the depths of the ocean, including a malevolent mining operation.55/100
What the hell happened here!?. Watching Meg 2 is like watching the first Fast n furious' Skipping the other 9 that slowly get dumber and dumber' And then watching the new one. You would be baffled at just how ridiculous it all of a sudden was. the first Meg Wasn't intellectual by any stretch but at least it didn't have freaking super powered robo suits!. The entire movie is completely nonsensical but weirdly enough it gets just a tad bit fun in the third act. Its like a non self-aware Sharknado with a big budget. - DirectorGreta GerwigStarsMargot RobbieRyan GoslingIssa RaeBarbie and Ken are having the time of their lives in the colorful and seemingly perfect world of Barbie Land. However, when they get a chance to go to the real world, they soon discover the joys and perils of living among humans.55/100
- DirectorRobert MarianettiRobert SmigelDavid WachtenheimStarsAdam SandlerBill BurrCecily StrongA 74-year-old lizard named Leo and his turtle friend decide to escape from the terrarium of a Florida school classroom where they have been living for decades.55/100
Leo no not that Leo OR that Leo is Happy Maddison's first animated kids movie and......why? I'm not saying their unfit for it I mean who isn't? kids movies are very easy' but even so this one is very weird. it attempts to be a musical (without a single decent singer I might add) and some of them are only 20 seconds long' some of them are cutoff' and one of them even plays in the background and gets cut back to randomly' its very strange. it breaks the forth wall once and then never again' a guy sings Watch Me (Whip / Nae Nae) for an extended period of time' and no this is NOT a period piece the movie flat-out says its 2023. I don't know it MIGHT be a good movie for children but they might just point at the screen and say "okay boomer" cause its clearly written by people who are sick of society's shit. - DirectorJason ShwartzStarsLauren HoltDana SnyderLavell CrawfordAfter a gluten ban ruins his life, a celebrity chef seeks revenge on all mankind, and his daughter must make the ultimate sacrifice to save the world from impending doom.55/100 Pastacolypse is the first of the animated tubi originals and its written by one of the two creators of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. it must of been the less funny of the two. the one that loves potty humor but gets stopped by the other before he bombards the show with it. Okay Pastacolypse isn't TERRIBLE.....if I have to use a word that negative to defend it then that says alot about how not good it is. not worth watching unless you're like me and love hearing master shake's voice.
- DirectorDavid F. SandbergStarsZachary LeviAsher AngelJack Dylan GrazerThe film continues the story of teenage Billy Batson who, upon reciting the magic word "SHAZAM!", is transformed into his adult superhero alter ego, Shazam.55/100
is bitching at critics for not liking your shitty movie gonna be a thing now?
great! another reason to hate Seth Rogen
now that a somewhat recognizable talentless hack is crying at mean ol critics that means that its safe for other talentless hacks to follow in his footsteps.
no Shazam! Fury of the gods is not
"actually very good" but it IS cool to hate on THIS when it makes you cry.
actually pretty FUN I would say
its very bland
the acting is quite bad
the characters keep forgetting they have superspeed
and it of course has the painful line all PG-13 movies must have a painful variation of.
"taste the rainbow mother......"
at least have the awful child actor actually say it!
jesus christ
a woman that's thousands of years old has a romantic relationship with a teenager.
but its okay she IS a woman after all.
plus she doesn't LOOK like an old person
and the only reason why pedophilia is wrong! because the couple LOOK to different.
everyone knows that!
at least it wasnt boring but that doesn't mean it was "fun"
I'm glad it bombed
get over yourself Daveybaby - DirectorNia DaCostaStarsBrie LarsonTeyonah ParrisIman VellaniCarol Danvers gets her powers entangled with those of Kamala Khan and Monica Rambeau, forcing them to work together to save the universe.54/100
The Marvels gave me the least amount of feeling I've ever felt leaving a theater. its as if I didn't watch anything at all. sure half of the characters were introduced in disney+ side series most people don't have access to' there's no character arcs or resolutions to speak of' the sci-fi mumbo jumbo is even more thoughtless and inconsistent than usual' and the plot is as unfocused as my cheap ass webcam BUT WHO CARES!? Screw you for bringing mom to the theater DAD i wanted to watch Napoleon!. This was the first MCU film ive ever had no intend on ever watching but Ill still put it above Ant-man because at least I expected that one to be okay. I wasn't disappointed or even baffled here. and actually a couple of the fightscenes were fine. - DirectorPeyton ReedStarsPaul RuddEvangeline LillyMichael DouglasScott Lang and Hope Van Dyne are dragged into the Quantum Realm, along with Hope's parents and Scott's daughter Cassie. Together they must find a way to escape, but what secrets is Hope's mother hiding? And who is the mysterious Kang?54/100
the MCU has a total of 32 movies and yet they still found a way to kick off its newest phase with the worst of them all
I'm 50% convinced that the plot was written by an AI
The whole thing is very poorly structured
Characters only exist so they can be in the trailer and do absolutely nothing in the actual movie
The CGI looks like CGI
The acting is CW levels of not giving a shit
The dialogue is CW levels of not giving a shit
And the audio balancing is downright unfinished
which is fine by me cause the very little of the music I could hear sounded terrible anyway
the only thing i enjoyed about it was laughing at every scene M.O.D.O.K was in but then i realized that THE MOVIE is aware about how funny he looks so NEVERMIND THEN thanks for ruining it with the trademark Hollywood self aware quirk!
- DirectorRandy ZiskStarsTony ShalhoubTraylor HowardJason Gray-StanfordIt follows Monk, a brilliant detective with obsessive-compulsive disorder. He returns to solve one last case involving his stepdaughter Molly, a journalist preparing for her wedding.54/100 Another series off the checklist. Hollywood will not be satisfied until we see an elderly version of every single character to ever exist. Mr. Monk's last case (even though he already had a last case) is the latest example of nothing being allowed to die peacefully. they pulled a whole Disney Han Solo with how Monk is back to being the same exact character he started out as, yep all the stuff that concluded the show perfectly fine in the finale is no more' yep he's a mental nutcase again but unlike Star Wars they actually provide a reason. Covid.......yeah I think I would have preferred them completely ignoring the shows ending altogether..at its best it just feels like an episode of the show which really shows how forced and pointless it is and at its worst its just (in Dr. Nefariou voice) lame.
- DirectorElizabeth BanksStarsKeri RussellAlden EhrenreichO'Shea Jackson Jr.An oddball group of cops, criminals, tourists and teens converge on a Georgia forest where a huge black bear goes on a murderous rampage after unintentionally ingesting cocaine.54/100
Cocaine Bear found a way to once again push just how far Hollywood can change a story and still claim its true.
here's what actually happened
a plan smuggling cocaine crashed.
a bear walked up to it
ate 3 grams of it
and died!
that's not very movie worthy but they must make one because SETH ROGEN LAUGH drugs funny
the bear CGI is a little better than I expected and there was a pretty cool vehicle chase
but that's really all it has going for it
half of the actors are terrible
the editing looks like it was done by an adcomm student
and they never fucking shoot the bear!
they have every opportunity in the world
but they never do it
well Ray Liotta does but he's supposed to be the bad guy
even though almost ALL the characters are bad
they ARE drug dealers afterall!
but its all okay
they learn the power of friendship or someshit and they will not be punished - DirectorAlejandro MonteverdeStarsJim CaviezelMira SorvinoBill CampThe incredible true story of a former government agent turned vigilante who embarks on a dangerous mission to rescue hundreds of children from traffickers.53/100 The Sound of freedom is the most important movie of the 21st century so far. It tells the 100% real story of Tim Ballard who single handedly saved a hundred sex slavesNah just kidding. This film's advertising preaches how it has nothing to do with and is in fact ANTI Hollywood but I don't know man you're doing the same damn thing Hollywood does with all of its biographies. You stretch the truth to make it easier to adapt' You add some of the laziest emotional music to overpower the bland performances' and you excessively beat off the person its based on. But its even worse here because the aftercredits message has the audacity to say the film ISNT about Tim Ballard and his oh so heroic acts that were not fabricated at all but its about "those kids" Those kids were the only good parts of this snoozefest and yet they got almost no screen time!. Don't wanna take the spotlight away from Tim 'machoman' Ballard. I want to say this movie at least has its heart in the right place but it quite literally tells you to buy tickets for the people who weren't going to see it. I'd also love to believe its claims but if even their OWN website admits to just how much the movie is fake........yeah. Oh and spoiler alert The Sound of Freedom is "We Will Rock You"......you dont even need to watch the movie now.
- DirectorBrett DonowhoStarsNicolas CageRyan Kiera ArmstrongClint HowardAn old gunslinger and his daughter must face the consequences of his past, when the son of a man he murdered years ago arrives to take his revenge.53/100
The old way is a boring bland western that stars Nic Cage for some reason. It has the Travis Jones syndrome (and yes this is what it'll be called by everyone for now on) where the old man's wife is killed and THEY MESSED WITH THE WRONG GUY. A guy who everyone knows the name of because he's THAT badass. typically slower paced movies make up for the lack of action with good characters and story. but this one doesn't. - DirectorHerbert James WintersternStarsSkeet UlrichAnne HecheDaniel DiemerA teenage boy runs away to follow in the footsteps of his father, legendary storm chaser Bill Brody.52/100 Supercell is a coming of age drama that's advertised as a disaster film. there's not much I can do to describe the film without just using a bunch of movie review buzzwords that I've already used time and time again so ill just say this. it has that lame Cristian movie feel.
- DirectorNimród AntalStarsLiam NeesonNoma DumezweniLilly AspellA bank executive receives a bomb threat while driving his children to school that his car will explode if they stop and get out.51/100
- DirectorStephen HerekStarsRob LoweJohnny BerchtoldKimberly Williams-PaisleyBased on the true story of a father and son who repair their fractured relationship during a forced hike of the Appalachian trail to find their beloved lost dog.51/100
Dog Gone NO NOT THAT DOG GONE is a bland, safe, and predictable movie of a boy who cant act losing his dog and going on a journey with his dad that used to be able to act but doesn't give a shit
the whole movie just feels really phony
the dog needs its medicine in 20 days or else it will die
of course they find him the very last day
and it as the audacity to call itself a biography
every single person they meet also just so happens to have a dark dog related backstory that makes them help
I would say the soundtrack is manipulative but it sucks so much ass that there's no way anyone would actually feel anything listening to it.
if you must see a dog movie watch last year's "dog" it aint great but its a lot better than this - DirectorRobert RodriguezStarsBen AffleckAlice BragaJD PardoA detective investigates a mystery involving his missing daughter and a secret government program.50/100
Did you know that Robert Rodriguez hasnt had a hit movie since spy kids 4?
and His latest theatrical release "hypnotic" NO NOT THAT HYPNOTIC didn't even make back 20% of its budget
poor bastard
actually screw him this movie sucks
it starts as just an average find my missing daughter action flick
but then it introduces mind control super powers
okay I'm still following
then it reveals that nothing you just watched was real
okay that's stupid but ill still try to follow
it then reveals that the character realizing that all of that was fake in itself was fake
and then the plottwist at the end was that the person who reacted to the person reacting to everything not being real ALL OF THAT......was not real.
Jesus Robert stick with the silly kids movies - DirectorRobert RodriguezStarsConnor EstersonEverly CarganillaZachary LeviThe children of the world's greatest secret agents unwittingly help a powerful game developer unleash a computer virus that gives him control of all technology, leading them to become spies themselves to save their parents and the world.49/100 Spy kids is back Bitches! and its as stupid as ever with its all new delusional hippy message. But who the hell cares? you're not here for good writing' You're here for its epic greenscreen backgrounds which are finally back after their sad absence in All the time in the world. I enjoyed this more than a lot of the stuff I put above it but..come on...i cant be TOO biased.
- DirectorBrock HeasleyStarsKristoffer PolahaNeal McDonoughElizabeth TabishAfter meeting a mysterious stranger, a man must escape a dystopian world to return to his wife.49/100 The Shift no not that the Shift OR THAT the shift is a Christian movie that conveniently never mentions it in its advertising because they want people to actually watch it. its a pseudo artsy multiversal twist on the book of job while at the same time acknowledging that very book. so if us as an audience can see the obvious connections how can the literal Sci-fi Job not know what's gonna happen when he's already read and preached that book!? its like christianception! or just a poorly thought out idea that wouldn't be a gamble to release in theaters because LIKE THE OATH it also relies on the audience to be both its reoccurring ticket sales and its advertising budget. Okay here's how it works. They want the few people who would be fascinated by its totally not overdone concept of a multiverse movie and buy a ticket (not knowing that its a religious movie) but being so touched by its message that he will go to its "pay and forward program" they advertise in the credits and buy as many tickets as he can afford so other people that weren't initially enthralled by yet another multiverse movie in 2023 would be like "oh what the hell" because its free and then they too are converted to Christianity and the cycle repeats as it stays in theaters until the end of time due to its nonstop flow of revenue........sigh
- DirectorEmma TammiStarsJosh HutchersonPiper RubioElizabeth LailA troubled security guard begins working at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. During his first night on the job, he realizes that the night shift won't be so easy to get through. Pretty soon he will unveil what actually happened at Freddy's.48/100
Five cliché's at corporate is the latest attempt to piggyback off Sonic the hedgehog's success at getting children in theaters. And it goes without saying that the movie is lame as hell but I didn't expect it to be quite so boring. The huge fanbase of babies and MAN babies have very short attention spans so I don't know why the hell they thought it was a good idea to make it so damn slow. When I first heard about FNAF getting an film adaptation I was hoping it would be a convoluted clusterfuck attempt to adapt the storyline of the games. it would be very bad but at least it would be more entertaining than the barebones crap they ended up doing. its pretty much just another Willy's wonderland, not quite as awful as it but still embarrassing. People don't want to admit this but MattPatt practically wrote the FNAF storyline himself and Scott just played along with all of his bullshit in the later games. And there's finally evidence for my claim because he has a cameo in the movie. he's not credited as writer though that's awfully shitty of them. - DirectorPhil TraillStarsKel MitchellPete DavidsonKenan ThompsonAfter his latest invention fails, Dex is welcomed back by Ed to his old job at Good Burger, which is once again put in jeopardy when Dex devises a plan to get back on his feet.48/100
Good Burger 2 is everything I expected it to be. that being a lazy retelling of the original with a couple of the nouns in the plot summary replaced with more modern taglines. all of the plot points' twists' and jokes are lousy imitations of what once was. Even the characters (despite having aged 27 years) haven't changed at all. Which is fine for Ed he's always been a silly buffoon but now Dexter's also an idiot due to him no longer being a kid and still acting like one. I guess the dynamic is still technically there on paper but its just so awkward having the latter be a grown ass man. The original had a cameo of Shaq and this one seems to think that was one of the things that defined it because the cameos here are beyond excessive. at one point the creators flatout purchase videos off of cameo and try to pull it off as a daydreaming sequence. and if that's not pathetic enough they put the names of each celebrity on their respective cameos. What do they expect kids to be impressed that the out of touch writers at Paramount figured out how to use a website? its kind of charming in a Nickolodean sitcom kind of way but no near as much as the original. - DirectorIan GoodwinStarsLogan BernardJon CastroIan GoodwinA sock puppet horror/comedy sure to put you in Stitches.48/100
- DirectorJason ShwartzStarsCree SummerKristin DodsonPunkie JohnsonDetermined to rehab his public image, a boxer joins the Big Bruh / Lil Sis program and meets his match.48/100
Big Bruh is a Tubi Original (Yes apparently Tubi has originals now) and it is very confusing. it tries the whole (insult everything) approach to comedy but cranks it up to the point where it constantly contradicts itself. and not just the satire! the characters themselves are all terrible pieces of shit that constantly contradict their role. I have no idea what its trying to say! and after all this insanity it somehow thinks it can have a conclusive happy ending. was this written by a bunch of people that hate each other!? - DirectorMatthew GoodhueStarsLisa AmbalavanarSydney CravenAndrew HortonEmily Young, a senior, wants to be elected as her sorority's president. She adopts a cute sloth, thinking it can become the new mascot and help her win, until a string of fatalities implicate the sloth as the main suspect in the murders.39/100
ahohohohoh SLOTHerhouse!? oh my god bro like for reals!? thats SOOOO FUNNNYYY. first there was killer tomatoes' then a killer tire' then a killer Turkey and now a KILLER SLOTH!? THEY CANT EVEN SURVIVE TAKING A SHIT LETALONE BE THE PREDATOR!!!! OH MY GOOOOD I love women. - DirectorJesse AtlasStarsAndy AlloNomzamo MbathaBruce WillisA man dies as part of an experimental military program. A former black-ops soldier takes his place to find who killed him.35/100 Assassin NO NOT THAT ASSASSIN is officially the last Bruce Willis Film. Or I should probably say Assassin is the last film in which he appears. its as clear as day that they held back on him as much as possible here' giving him only a handful of lines and very short' simple ones at that. the film tries its hardest to make him Not look like a glorified cameo by giving him reaction shots in scenes he doesn't even talk in and whatnot. Pretty clever now that i think about it. They're using his dementian strengths to the film's benefit. sitting on their handicapped asses staring at things is what they do best and it really boosts his performance turning it into the swansong that it truly is. Anyway the movie is a convoluted Sci-Fi mess that keeps finding new ways to break its own rules every scene. I'm not exaggerating! its like its written by a child!. The acting is slightly better than I expected it to be at least. besides Bruce Willis of course' the poor bastard talks like Joe Biden.
- DirectorPeter LepeniotisStarsLexie MitchellBrooke A. SmithChevy ChaseWhen Amy and Mike uncover a centuries-old curse after watching an exclusive film reel, they must quickly track down an infamous filmmaker and navigate a town of hungry zombies before it's too late to break the curse.33/100 Zombie town no not that Zombie town is a family horror film from the same man behind the Nut Job! and yes I do mean FAMILY horror as its clearly aimed towards younger kids. There's not a single death' its profanity only gets as bad as damn' the only drop of blood is contained within a movie inside the movie' and when the 2 main characters confess their love for each other they freaking hug!. The PG-13 rating threw me off guard but even as a children's movie its godawful. Dan Aykroyd plays a surprisingly big role despite recently starring in a blockbuster hit. when I saw his name on the poster I expected him to only show up in a glorified cameo like Chevy chase. Now that guy hasn't been in anything noteworthy for almost a decade so his cash grab blow n go makes more sense but Dan really didn't need to. and despite still clearly not giving a crap his performance is still better than pretty much everyone else. Everyone talks like they're in a freaking Dharmann video (kinda just a fancy way of saying they're talentless but shut up it sounds funnier this way) But nothing can compare to the abysmal screenplay with plot holes and thoughtless dialogue galore. most of the main characters are just downright evil' with the black kid trying to stop the world from being saved because he's bullied in the bathroom and Dan Aykroyd trapping civilians souls for money. Both of these characters aren't treated like villians by the way! The writing is even worse than Steven Universe because they dont even say they're sorry! If this is accurate to the book then lets just say I can see why Hollywood made a movie ABOUT R.L. Stine's books and not OF them. I kind of hope I find a copy of this at Dollar Tree so I can make a Dollar Tree Movies episode on it because there's a lot to talk about (and yes i am going to make more!)
- DirectorDarin ScottStarsDarin ScottBilly ZaneEugene Brave Rock400 A.D., in a forgotten time of Ancient America, a lone Hebraic fugitive must preserve the history of his fallen nation while being hunted by a ruthless tyrant. But rescuing the King's abused mistress could awaken a warrior's past.30
The Oath no not that the Oath is a Mormon movie that conveniently never mentions it in its advertising because they want people to actually watch it. but long before you figure out what it really is you'll already regret watching it because religious beliefs aside its terribly made on all fronts. even though Hollywood has its fare share of stinkers I still assumed that there was at least some kind of quality control on what's allowed to actually play in theaters but this made me realize that as long as Jesus is on their side anything is possible. Everything that happens can be explained in a few short sentences and yet its still a feature length film. A feature length film that's based on a short mind you so that probably had acceptable pacing! and just in case you were curious on how much the creators cared about this project, the end credits lets you know that All the characters in the film are purely fictitious. great job guys....it also asks you to buy tickets for other people because Sound of freedom did it and now every movie made by right leaning companies must too. - DirectorCalobiStarsAnnCalobiClivecastlePaige Foster, discovers a mysterious intruder inside her artwork where she travels. Her beatboxing puppy sidekick helps search within her imaginative realms drawings that enable Foster to become anything desired.17/100